Poetic Blindness: Looking Over The Rose Colored Glasses

Have you ever sat and watched the book of you as it repeated, page by page and chapter by chapter; then realized the names and faces changed but the characters were always the same. I’ve done this for many lifetimes. I watched, looking over the rose colored glasses and there he was. Malik had charisma, his broad shoulders and firm body had both men and women looking at him, and his voice had a warmth that left a baritone saxophone jealous. He certainly was a looker, he dressed smooth outside of his day to day uniform as a Sergeant and although he had toxic tendencies about his character, they were often overlooked because he was the ultimate man of men and the silk panties that slipped off the women he was wooing.  

I can remember having long intimate conversations with him. I was newly divorced and he was separated. He would call during his breaks and I entertained the idea because he was making time for me. I love that he called throughout the day and was showing interest in me. I was so intrigued that all the bad he did melted away with the way he grabbed at my voluminous, curvy hips and thighs. My breasts perked to attention, every time he touched me. He knew exactly what he was doing when he would pretend to accidentally lower his palm onto the dip of my lower back. It was part of his seduction, part of his way of getting himself out of hot water for something he did that upset me. He’d say, “Dumitria, just listen to me baby.” I’d look up at him like he was the mama bird ready to feed her baby. The way the words melted off his lips like honey made me weak in the knees and his kisses were like heat seeking missiles, veering through the passages of my blood stream, straight into my heart. He enchanting my body with the way he loved me; offering me what I wanted and extra of what I needed; but I hadn’t realize then that he was lacking.

I didn’t put a stop to his selfish behavior. He wanted me when he wanted me and when he was bored and moved on, he simply moved on. Granted, he always broke up with me so he was never accused of cheating on me. But it left me lacking and off balance. It made me wonder what I was doing wrong and how I could change to be a better partner. When I’d give up on the possibility of him coming back, I’d  branch out and find a new relationship that was full of possibility and he’d find his way back into my life and we’d start again. I feel like that was his way and I allowed it because I always felt that I hadn’t done him wrong in any way and he’d be back. He always came back because I had what he needed and I am the only me there is. Then he asked to move in with me. I started thinking, but he’s not divorced, he’s just separated and I have already given more than I would have wanted so I need to take some of that back. Allow him to play the field, get back on his feet, grow and then come back. We had a discussion that went South, he asked if we could be roommates. You know, him trying to be cute. I had previously told him that my marriage was falling apart because he acted like we were roommates and not married but he didn’t see it that way. He was trying for us to be together and  I saw myself at work while he was entertaining anyone he wanted to entertain in my sanctuary. In my mind roommate meant, come and go as you please and bring whomever you want to bring into the establishment. He hadn’t told me I was going to be his woman. He just said roommates, laying no more claim to that set me off and I told him that I didn’t need a roommate. He went back to the marriage and it eventually led to the actual divorce. He played and had relationships with other women, living with them and giving them love and attention he never gave wholeheartedly to me but I continued to love him from afar.

The page turned into a new chapter, it’s now 11 years later and I get a message on Messenger. We do the whole back and forth and I’m loving the attention. I agreed that meeting up at some time would be great. We could catch up and see each other face-to-face. A few weeks go by and Malik invited me on a coffee date and as we sat he made mention of how life was going for him, how he never stopped thinking about us then said, “I don’t want to be responsible to anybody, I know I was selfish before. It was all ego. I don’t want to disappoint you. I compare other women to you and they’re never you. I just want to be able to go and do whatever I want without having to account to anyone. I can take you to coffee and have a million conversations with you but I still want us to sleep together!” My heart leaped with joy and before I gave in, my words began, “Malik, just listen to me baby.” This time, I grabbed his hands into a prayer in front of his eyes and the smile behind mine gave me confidence to say, “you just got out of a relationship, you haven’t had time to heal and I’m too strong to allow you to take me down with you. When you level up, give me a call; and if I’m single and available maybe we can ride the wave together. As for today, I deserve so much more.” This time he said, “I agree. You are not wrong.” I went to sleep with no worries in my world. I felt I had broken an ancestral cycle and in the morning I woke to a text that read, “Went to sleep with you on my mind. I apologize I didn’t have enough attention to give in my life for you right now. I do understand”.  I thought about not responding, but I’m a lady. So, I simply wrote, “apology accepted”.