Euphorica-ES Is Right for You!

Author's Note: This story contains themes of self-harm, depression, physical violence and references to the Boston Red Sox baseball team.

If you suffer from low to moderate (or even extreme) levels of general dissatisfaction with your life, or maybe just a deep and blinding sense of malaise from working under soul-sucking fluorescent lighting in a tight, bland, cubicle sequestered in the heart of an inbred corporate landscape for the majority of your waking hours...stay tuned for this important announcement.

New Euphorica-ES may be right for you!

[TV commercial shows zombie-like administrative functionaries in darkly filtered black-and-white lighting as they stumble out of a dreary office building at the end of a long workday, and upon entering the sunshine the full spectrum of color is suddenly restored in ridiculously over-bright tones that will intentionally hurt the TV viewer’s eyes (and potentially cause seizures in some cases) as the low-level automatons suddenly start to smile and stare up at the sky for no particular reason, their eyes rolling back into their heads, presumably cooked beyond repair by the brilliant UV radiance of the sun.]

In clinical trials, people who are tortured with crippling regrets over the various unfortunate events they have suffered and the poor decisions they have made during the course of their lives have sometimes found that daily usage of Euphorica-ES was able to provide some level of non-specific relief and marginally decreased the urge to bring a loaded handgun into their workplace, in case that self-aggrandizing jackass Jared from Human Resources decides to call for some stupid mandatory team-building exercises at lunchtime again just because it’s Friday and he’s always bucking for a promotion.

[On-screen image shows a young man wearing a Boston Red Sox jersey along with a false and obsequious smile, clapping and laughing in slow motion, as an older and clearly unhealthy, graying man in rumpled and over-worn clothing seated in the background slowly removes his cheap necktie, forms it into a noose and then climbs up onto the desk in his tiny cubicle to tie the non-business end around a rusty old water pipe running just beneath the low off-white ceiling above.]

But with new Euphorica-ES you will quickly lose any and all lingering desire for personal happiness or fulfilment. More importantly, you will permanently forget all of your hopes, dreams and goals and simply accept your bleak slave-like existence, enabling you to numbly and mindlessly float through your joyless life without ever stopping to consider difficult questions about where it all went wrong and how you are helpless to change anything at all. Let's face it. Even your cat despises you.

[A small army of chemically-lobotomized corporate drones carrying identical gray paper coffee cups enter a windowless gray concrete building of Soviet-era brutalist design beneath a gray morning sky, vapidly smiling up at the countless security cameras mounted everywhere. One stumbles and falls, clutching her chest, apparently in the throes of cardiac arrest. Her body buckles and convulses on the pavement as the others continue to walk by, still smiling, perfectly unfazed by her plight.]

If you sometimes feel like life is stressful and you are not idyllically delighted with every single aspect of your entire existence at all times, ask your doctor if Euphorica-ES is right for you. With as little as twelve daily dosages combined with heavy alcohol intake and a complete and total lack of psychiatric treatment, Euphorica-ES has sometimes proven to be somewhat successful in treating everyday thoughts of general ennui and blocking out disturbing questions about the nature of your own mortality and why no one ever truly has, and no one ever truly will, love or respect you.

[The camera lens pulls in on a woman with dead black button-stitched doll eyes and an opaque smile as she mindlessly stares off into the middle distance while a beautiful young child - presumably her daughter - dances joyfully before her on a grassy sunlit field before fading away. The subject is clearly oblivious to all external stimuli, feeling only the rising swell of the Euphorica-ES chemical rhapsody running down her spinal column. Her smile broadens. Her lips are candy apple red and her teeth are stunningly perfect, with the exception of one jagged black vein running horizontally through a thin crack in her left lateral incisor.]

Euphorica-ES; your daily solution to the fact that Everything Sucks! Call your doctor today and demand your prescription. If you are refused please contact our legal department at the number on-screen now and we will assist you in aggressively threatening a malpractice lawsuit that will lead to the certain bankruptcy of your doctor's business and the loss of his or her medical licensing in all 50 states, and probably in other US territories such as Puerto Rico and Guam and places like that as well. Operators are standing by for your call 24 hours a day!

Please Note: Although the new (and legally patented) Euphorica “Everything Sucks” ™ formula has not yet received formal FDA approval, the cadre of lawyers and lobbyists in Washington D.C. who are rigorously negotiating on behalf of all of us here at EffYüü-Pharma Global are very confident that a reasonable and mutually acceptable 'number' will be agreed upon soon and the standard rubber-stamp approval process for this kind of highly questionable new drug will commence post haste. Your local pharmacy should have it in stock by Friday. Order now! Supplies are limited.

[Voice of the off-screen narrator suddenly triples in speed as large blocks of 6-point legal text written in Latin scrawl across the screen far too fast for the human eye to possibly read a single word.]

Please Note: In clinical trials Euphorica-ES has been proven to invariably result in all of the following side-effects:

Lycanthropy

Addiction to scratch-off tickets

Capgras Syndrome (the belief that your family has been replaced by impostors)

Serial arson sprees

Polydactylism

A strong preference for the middle seat when flying coach

Prosopagnosia (i.e. “face blindness”, the inability to distinguish facial characteristics)

Genital warts, lesions, rashes and occasional insect infestations

Publication of varying types of insane manifestos on Reddit

Cotard’s Syndrome (the belief that your internal organs are rotting away)

Restless Leg Syndrome (yeah, it's actually a real thing)

Spontaneous combustion

And, of course..."Thoughts of Suicide"

Okay, in our own defense on this last one, I think we all know that every pharmaceutical commercial says that their drug leads to thoughts of suicide. At what point are we just going to state the obvious and distinguish correlation from causality here? We all think about suicide all the time, am I right? It's only natural, because "Everything Sucks" ™.

Besides, you have to sign a legally notarized and firmly-binding waiver preventing your family members from ever coming after us with a wrongful death lawsuit in the event of your untimely demise before you can get a prescription anyway. (We’re evil, not stupid.)

So tell your doctor today that Euphorica-ES is right for you!

THE END