"Would You Like Ketchup With That?"

“I’ll eat my hat!” This is the catchphrase of a rather disagreeable gentleman who lives in Dripping Springs, Texas. His name is Derk Riley. Regardless of the conversation, you can be assured that Riley will argue that your point is wrong. And no matter how hard you try to prove it is true, the argument will always end in Riley saying, “I’ll eat my hat!” You can quote professionals, present news articles, or even have the person you’re referring to standing right there, and Riley will fold his arms, huff, and say, “If that’s the truth, I’ll eat my hat! People around the little town of Dripping Springs will go to any lengths to avoid talking to Riley. There have been times when Ralph, the barber, would put up his closed sign when he saw Riley coming down the street. Riley is such a denialist that if the devil appeared out of the clear blue sky, Riley would undoubtedly tell him, “If you’re Satan, “I’ll eat my hat!”

One day his next door neighbor, Mr. Dickens, better known as “Old Nick,” makes the mistake of saying to Riley, “Nice day, isn’t it.”

“What’s so nice about it?’ Riley snarls back.

Taking off his cowboy hat and scratching his head, Old Nick chuckles. “Well, for one thing, I‘m still alive and kicking.”

Riley sneers as he says under his breath, “Yeah, well, from the looks of it, that won’t be for much longer.”

Old Nick ignores the insult and continues. “Are ya sayin’ it is’t? I mean, just look at it. The sun’s shining, a nice breeze is blowing, and all the birds are singing.”

Rilley narrows his eyes, like Clint Eastwood about to draw. “It’s hot, dusty, and the damn birds are crapping all over my patio furniture.” Sticking out his chin, Rilley waits for a response.

Old Nick’s face turns as red as the handkerchief sticking out of his back pocket.

“Riley! You are the most cantankerous, stubborn, mule-headed argumentative man I’ve ever met. I’ve met many people and mostly like them all, but you push the envelope, I’ll tell ya that!”

Riley tugs on his collar. “So, you don’t like me then?”

Old Nick’s eyes widen. “I didn’t say that!”

“You most certainly did. Just now!”

“No, I didn’t. All I said was that you are the most cantank—”

Riley’s eyes spark. “I know what you said! After that, you said you’d met many people and liked them all. But not me because I push the envelope. What does that even supposed to mean? I push the envelope? Does it mean I aggravate you, frustrate you, piss you off? Because if any of these things are true, then I’m not someone you would like. In fact, I’d be someone you would most definitely dislike, wouldn’t you say?”

As usual, once Riley starts one of his attacks, the poor victim is left flabbergasted and on the defense.

”N-N-No, it’s just an expression, that’s all. Well, like -The tail wagging the dog, or-Its not brain surgery.”

Riley crosses his arms, which is a bad sign. He glares, “That is exactly what I hate about people. You never come right out and tell the truth. Instead, you feel you have to disguise it in innuendos. Innuendos that muddy up the truth and confuse the facts rendering the statement unreliable at best. Then to compound matters even more, you bring all sorts of proof into the conversation to persuade me of my error in understanding your false statement. If, in the beginning, you had simply said in plain English your opinion or view, then there would be no question of the validity of it, would there?”

Old Nick looks hard at Riley. “Now, you listen to me. If we all spoke in plain English what we meant to say without any added flourishing of words, it would be like a salad made only of lettuce. I dare say not very tasty! In fact, it would be so boring that we would soon lose interest in what the other person is saying!”

Riley pushes his glasses up his nose and blinks. “I tend to disagree, Mr.Dickens. It is refreshing, clear, and concise verbal intercourse and most enjoyable. There would be no misunderstandings of superficial wordings to distort the true meaning of any facts you are trying to convey. Precise, clear, and understandable, that’s what I say!”

Old Nick sticks his tongue into his cheek and nods. “You know, Riley, I used to think you were a denialist, but through clear, precise, and understandable wording, I’ve concluded that you are just an asshole.”

 Riley reddens, “WHAT!  See here, Mr.Dickens, there is no need for vulgarity!”

“Why not?” Old Nick smiles. It’s pretty clear, understandable, and precise. It’s not some snappy idiom to muddy things up.”

“On the contrary, Mr.Dickens, I find it highly offensive and demand an apology!”

“I suppose you’re right, and I was a bit harsh. I apologize, Mr. Riley. Please forgive me.  Now, getting back on topic, you always use the idiom, “I’ll eat my hat,” whenever you want to end an argument. The thing is that I don’t recall having ever seen you wear a hat. Do you even own one?”

Riley rolls his eyes and sighs, “Of course I do.” 

“Really? Because I don’t ever remember seeing you wear one. Not going to church or working around the yard, and I’ve lived next door to you for almost fifteen years. Never have I seen you wearing one.”

 “ That’s because I never need to wear this particular hat. I bought it while working in Europe, in Switzerland, to be exact. It’s a felt Alpine hat with a little feather in the brim.

”Old Nick rubs his whiskery chin rasping between his forefinger and thumb while thinking. “Now, this hat, this Alpine hat, is it eatable?”

Riley scrunches up his face. “What in the blue blazes are you talking about?”

Old Nick takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “I’m talking about your insistence that people do not use the proper means of expressing the truth. Instead, it should be conducted in clear, precise, and understandable terms using plain and simple English. Therefore if you end each and every debate with the term “I’ll eat my hat,” then shouldn’t I assume that is what I expect you to do?”

Riley shuffles his feet and glances away, mumbling, “It’s just a figure of speech.”

Old Nick enthusiastically presses on. He’s enjoying himself. “But earlier, you specifically said that the use of idioms and the like do nothing but muddy the meaning of what is being said, making one unable to determine the truth. Then, you have been stating a falsehood and not the truth every time you’ve said that idiom with no true intention of eating said hat. Am I correct according to your own words, Mr. Riley?”

Poor Riley appears completely deflated as he whispers, “ According to the parameters I have set as to the proper way to conduct a conversation, I would say that you are correct, Mr. Dickens.”

Old Nick gleefully claps his hands together. “Excellent, Riley! Now my only question is, would you like ketchup with that?”