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Language Warning: Lots of curse/swear words.
Fuck! I am stuck within the loop. A Ferris wheel of blame for not expressing the truth. A foot on thorns while biting the forbidden fruit. Oblivious to the pain like a kid with cartoons.
Broke and ashamed, assuming I could work my way out of it. Doesn't do shit, and the stress is getting me sick. When a dream fades, the thoughts flourish. You hate yourself in ways you never expected.
Managing money as if I know how. Investing in the future became impossible now. Playing catch up with debt collectors on my ass. Two steps forward just to move five steps back.
A recession worse than 1929. Fucking depressed from being so far behind. I got a wife to support and kids to provide. A soul fetching for acceptance while patience has died.
Running low on fuel to stretch $40 for the week. Starve for a couple of days, denying poverty. Being so naïve to reality. Had to beg God, but you can't pray for money.
"Jane, my love, I gotta talk to you. I've been struggling to pay for shit I can't refuse. Mortgage is next week, and I know you're tight. But need the assistance to smite the contrite."
"Really, you're asking me now? I can't afford groceries. My wallet doesn't allow. I've noticed your distant because you don't fucking speak. I am your wife, and you just ignore me."
"No, I don't. I just don't want you to worry..."
"Bullshit! You pay for things assuming you can handle it."
"Well yeah, for the most part, I had enough to pay. Food to buy and life to maintain."
"Wake the fuck up! You got a daughter, you know. She is growing faster than chives on a good day's glow. Pull out from your stocks, but oh, that's right. You lost it all and claim with time, things will reunite. You don't have enough for this roof. Now what? Assumed you knew the secret and fucked us. Didn't ya."
"I get it fuck. Chill, can you? Clouds of judgment does come with their issues. Take a second to watch life from my view. Regret follows me around like a tattoo."
"Oh, sorry, big man, as if I don't suffer too. I clean houses, mother fucker, something you don't do. Use what I gain for our child. Clothes and toys. Their emotions come first, a life you can't avoid. Working as a mechanic I know it's tough. Understand you are stressed when things are rough. Sold a bunch of what we had to pass by. We fight ourselves to live transparent lives. Don't start your shit playing possum."
"Damn it, Jane close your mouth for once. I get it. You got shit on your plate. Complain about the rain, but you are indoors anyways. Thank you for the clothes and toys. Cleaning houses for the money we stretch to enjoy. But I got this boulder of stress that's above my head. Scared about the future. Afraid to spend. I put my soul into trying to satisfy you right. Speak in ways my hand can't write. A check of love my thoughts can't sign. Ignore the mistakes while you count mine."
"Okay bitch go look for a place to work then. You figure shit out like those days we paid rent. Watch me pack my shit and surprise you like a present. By walking the fuck out of your life like a boring event. Take our child and raise her right. To survive a cold world, you have to manually ignite. You know it all, don't you? Had jobs before, the idea isn't new. Should have managed your shit a little better. Focus on bills instead of whatever. Now you lost looking at me for pleasure. Use me as leverage with my bank as a method to measure."
"Imma sleep in the living room fuck you. Go keep talking and stack my problems as an excuse. Blame me for everything despite the mental abuse. I am done with the fighting and being rude. Can't even sleep well. Rotate the neck. Take my time with it, like singing the alphabet. Couch for today doesn't seem like it can do any harm"
"The couch gets comfy with sheets from Raymond."
"Noted I know where there at."
Getting hit in the head with a blanket I wasn't informed to catch. Livid and annoyed I turned just to watch her laugh. "Fucking life of mine" then proceeded to tramp away like a cat.
Laying the sheets nice and flat. To then fall into a settee without destroying my back. Annoyed at the time, so I wasn't thinking about the Impact. Patience was lost and kindness was sapped.
Fuck! Know what? My eyes don't close. Covered in yellow like an egg roll. An ocean filled with dismal. My heart is open while the devil attacks my lobes.
I got to try shit out and make a profit. Do night shifts and real in some tips. Become a taxi driver or a chauffeur. I can't. Telling my wife would deprive her.
Drowning myself in shallow water. Inhale the pain with a hard cider. I tried to keep my life within a binder. Which didn't work since the company transferred.
Invested my savings and became a mechanic. For the most part success was equipped. Years pass and still following the script. Yet didn't realize the bears shot down my battleship.
The couch started to feel confined. My wife was indignant as her patience demised. Love is evil and always in disguise. But with time the feeling becomes a series you can't rewind.
Time punched me in the face. It became slow and out of pace. It looked into my eyes and demanded me to wait. Still wondering why since there hasn't been an update.
My daughter is 13, and I hope she understands. I am trying my best, but the proof isn't in my hands. Thought about buying property and letting the wealth expand. The markets crashed, and I was scammed.
The system sucks man but I'll find a way. Shoot karma where it hurts and let the blood remain. Should have known but that's life. We dive into situations assuming the outcome is right.
Love you both I know it's hard to show. I work until my boss can promote. I fucked up that I know. But the intention wasn't wrong. The timing provoked. The love is genuine when the soul can devote. The current situation made it seem like a joke.
I took a pull to let the mind drift. Cry my eyes out until the idea doesn't exist. Wait and ponder before my body can notice. Falling asleep so that tomorrow I can begin to fix shit.
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I like the story...but this is on your bio. "Dream to be a writer...That's all I have left." Right on the mark...that's just how I feel. I hope we both get there.
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Yes I am putting my soul into trying to be a writer. With being in a troubling economy and inflation not helping us what else do we have to lose. I hope we both get there and thrive in success. Best of luck to us.😊
Thank you for liking my story and taking the time to write back.
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Hi Daniel,
I reviewed a couple of your stories in the past. I reset my account and some of my data got deleted. I wanted to say hi, and read another one of your stories.
I loved this! I've loved all your stories, but this is my favorite of the ones I've read of yours so far. The first one I read was great, but a little confusing. This one, on the other on hand is poetic, yet crystal clear.
I find it so beautiful that you took some very realistic, very (sadly) ugly types of interactions that happen between married couples when finances get tight, and turned them into a story that was poetic, yet emotionally raw and (sadly) relatable to many people. It just goes to show that the ugliest and most normal parts of life can be transformed into art when put in the correct hands. Beautiful writing comes often from a place of pain, and I can feel the pain in this in a way that touches my heart. I love how in this story, and the other stories of yours I've read, you express pain, yet end on a note of hope.
I loved so many of the lines you wrote, but the following is one of my favorites:
Speak in ways my hand can't write. A check of love my heart can't sign.
Ignore your mistakes while you count mine.
This is so deep and relatable. Sometimes in relationships, we do loving things for our partners only to be misunderstood, taken for granted, and hurt. I love how the narrator continues to love his wife anyway, expressing his love eloquently at the end.
Great story! I was deeply moved by it.
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Wow a lot to unpack here. Can't thank you enough for the kind words. Thank you continuing to come back and read my stories. Hello as well. I am fortunate to have you as a fan and provide such beautiful feedback. Deep down I needed the kind words. Thank you. This I story I know would hurt to those who can relate. I am currently in the situation of financial collapse and unable to support/provide due to too much debt. Coming home to sometimes having to deal with an argument of how to handle the next bill.
Thank you for enjoying the rawness. I was trying to crate this poem to be as realistic as possible which many married couples can relate to. Sucks to admit I bet but definitely something we all experience at some point in life. Took time to write since I had the idea before the prompt came about. Just finished the story a couple days ago and had to post it. I was a little afraid people would not like it but this comment gives me the drive to keep writing the truth. I am pleased that my story has touched your heart.
I always try to include hope in all stories involving pain but to be honest those words are more for me than the reader. It's more like a little therapy session. Reminding myself that yeah things happen in life that we regret or become depressed over but at some point it will be worth it. Effort will pay off as time passes.
Yes in relationships we tend to throw our souls into work and trying to provide only to be seen in such a negative way that is completely either misunderstood or under appreciated. I wanted to show how regardless of the things she say or do deep down he loves his wife. Which also comes to show he is good hearted. That he is married for the love itself and not just for sex or the title as people do nowadays. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Took a lot of pain from within to write. Most is actually from personal experience but the result is beautiful. Happy I have this out for others to enjoy and let sink in. Can also do a deep dive because some sentences have another meaning behind them. Like puzzles to put together. I love puzzles so I include them in my work from time to time.
Side note: This story is actually being written in three parts. First in prospective of the father, the second as the wife and the third from the child. All from the same moment. with the stories linking to each other with the last story explain what happened as the daughter grows older. Working progress. Wanted to see the reaction of this story before continuing it.
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I love the concept of doing a series and writing from the perspectives of all three family members. When I open my heart and mind in order to write from different perspectives, it helps me to develop empathy and understanding for others who might approach life differently than I do. Perhaps doing so could also be a therapeutic tool for you. It takes courage to write from the heart and share our personal, painful experiences - even when we do so through the lense of fiction. But in doing so, we not only find ways to heal, we potentially connect with and help others who might be going through similar things. I've dealt with depression and low self esteem, and writing about it has helped me a lot.
I am praying for you and your family as you (along with numerous others whom your stories could touch,) navigate financial struggles. I admire your positive attitide and the way you're approaching the situation with optimism and hope. I look forward to reading the next installments in your series.
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Transparent Lives I felt was a perfect title for the series. It would be a nice touch to have parts from perspectives from others within the family. Since the three stories will be around the same time frame it would show how every person and their experiences in life explains the actions shown in pt1. Father's was shown and his story was told and now it's time for the Mother's story to be shown. Her being a house maid. Clearing for others and having to take care of their daughter stressing about everything in-between while the father works his soul out trying to keep up with life.
I completely agree with you that writing from others perspective helps develop empathy. I wanted to be a song/rapper artist at one point and was thinking of my name being EPOV for Everyone's point of view which I thought was cool. Takes time to get recognition of course. Been trying a lot of open mic events to show my shorter poems to the public. Gain some attention. Writing helps me with depression. Venting pain on paper lets me forget the pain actually hurts. I am happy that it bring joy to others and leaves some at awe or in shock of the way words get put together.
Thank you for praying for our financial issues to evaporate which I hope as well. I will also pray for your depression to be compressed and no longer present. I am depressed and have been for a while so I understand that it is something that doesn't really leave just foreshadow existence. Nevertheless Thank you for writing back. I appreciate you staying in the loop and coming back for more stories and looking forward to the other parts to Transparent Lives. Helps give me the drive that all the effort I put into these stories are worth doing.
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Transparent Lives sounds like the perfect title for this series. It really speaks to the honesty and emotional rawness of your writing. I agree that your writing style lends itself well to rap/song writing. There's definitely a need for rap songs with uplifting messages to them, which your stories ultimately have, even if they deal with tough topics. Best of luck in your endeavors. I will be on the lookout for the next story in your series.
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Hello Hannah... I just posted part two of this story from the mother's prospective. Let me know what you think of that story. I am curious of your thoughts on it.
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