Shrimp Pizza and Spumoni

Kelly tries to ignore the noise in her head.

Tap… Tap… Tap…

Terry, her husband, notices her frowning.

“Something wrong, babe?” he asks, handing Preston, their three-year-old son, a chocolate Tootsie Pop.

“I want one too!” their five-year-old son, Steven whines.

“It’s just a headache,” Kelly replies, fumbling through her pocketbook. “I only have grape or orange left, Steven.”

“But I want chocolate!”

Tap… Tap… Tap…

Kelly takes a deep breath. Closing her eyes for a moment, she tries to concentrate on the carefree circus music in the background.

“I’ll make a deal with you,” she says to Steven. “When we get off the saucer ride, we’ll get lunch.”

The Starbuck brothers jump for joy.

“They’re a handful, but you gotta love ‘em.” Terry says.

“Yeah, what would life be without our boys?” Kelly replies, rubbing her forehead.

She turns, looking across the grounds at the FutureWorld! ride.

Tap… Tap… Tap…

Benton “Buddy” Bridger, his wife, Colette, and twin seven-year-olds, Quentin and Garth, stand in front of the entrance to the FutureWorld! ride.

Buddy suddenly begins to feel a wave of pressure rising in his forehead.

Tap… Tap… Tap…

Buddy is captivated by the robot on display. It has a svelte, humanoid body with pointed ears, friendly blue eyes, and an inviting smile.

“That’s a lame lookin’ robot,” Quentin says.

“Yeah, maybe the ride is lame too,” Garth adds.

“No, boys. Something tells me it’s the ride of a lifetime.”

Tap… Tap… Tap…

Buddy slowly opens his eyes, hoping he’s still at the circus with his family.

A metallic creature with friendly blue eyes has broken into his sleep chamber and is leaning over him.

“Please… Don’t kill me! I’m just a security guard!”

The robot holds up both its hands to show it means no harm.

“I am Ishmael. I am here to assist you.”

The fog over Buddy’s memory begins to clear.

“Right. We’re on a mission to bring a hundred colonists to the planet Calista. Why am I the only one awake? Has something gone wrong?”

“The ship was hit by a small meteorite. It knocked us off course. Unfortunately, the meteorite also damaged the suspended animation core. Everyone except you and a botanist is dead. Follow me, and we can talk with her.”

Stunned, Buddy follows Ishmael past dozens of cracked, open sleep pods.

A petite blonde woman is sitting up at the end of a row, coughing and wiping her eyes.

“Do you want to tell her, or should I?” Buddy asks Ishmael.

Buddy watches the woman’s eyes widen as Ishmael explains their situation.

“You’re sure everyone else is dead?” she asks.

“The skeletons kinda give it away,” Buddy replies.

“But I don’t know how to fly this thing.”

“We can leave that to Ishmael, right Izzy?”

“Yes, sir. We will get you some new clothes and go to the control room. We have a long trip home to plan.”

Buddy, Kelly, and Ishmael stand around a three-dimensional map of the universe they have stumbled into.

“How far off course are we?” Buddy asks.

“One hundred thirty-five lightyears,” Ishmael answers. “It’s twice that amount to return to earth.”

“…I’ll never see my husband or my children again….” Kelly realizes.

“You might if we can fix the suspended animation system,” Buddy says hopefully. “Until then, with everyone else dead, there’s plenty of food and water for us.”

“There are four planets in this solar system,” Ishmael says pointing to them. “All but one have an oxygen atmosphere and can support humanoid life.”

“As in, maybe there’s help out there,” Buddy says.

“The first planet has a mean temperature of minus two hundred degrees with hundred-mile-an-hour winds,” Ishmael states.

“Let’s pass on that first one for now,” Kelly says.

“The second planet is comprised of sand, not unlike your Arabian desert,” Ishmael reports. “There are frequent sandstorms, and the air is thin, so you will have to wear masks.”

Ishmael lands the ship in a barren area surrounded by jagged cliffs.

A harsh wind buffets the ship.

The outside monitors are obscured by sand, making it difficult to see more than a quarter mile away.

“There’s no response to our distress signal,” Kelly notes.

“But there are life signs,” Ishmael says.

“Then it’s time for a field trip,” Buddy concludes.

Ishmael leads the pair across the wasteland. Sand tears at their suits as they squint through their protective helmets.

Ishmael slows his pace.

“…Life signs ahead…”

Buddy squints. “I don’t see anybody.”

The sand in front of them rises like a massive wave. A glowing, red snake-like creature rises from the sand, looming over them, its hungry maw with hundreds of teeth dripping saliva on their suits.

“A sand dragon!” Buddy exclaims.

Ishmael fires his built-in laser at the creature. The blast momentarily stuns the creature, and it recoils, allowing them to retreat to the safety of a nearby cluster of rocks.

The creature roars, snapping at them.

“He can’t get at us,” Kelly surmises, “But we’re still trapped.”

“I have calculated a possible plan of escape. The odds, as you humans would say, are fifty-fifty.”

“I’m not a betting man, Izzy, but I’ll take a chance on whatever plan you’ve got,” Buddy replies.

“The sand contains elements of concrete.”

“So, you’re planning to build us a sidewalk back to the ship?” Kelly asks.

“In a manner of speaking. When I say go, run. GO!”

Ishmael lets loose a spray of water, saturating the sand in front of them. The sand immediately begins to harden, imprisoning the creature.

His pulse still beating like a drum solo, Buddy guides the ship toward the third planet.

“I’m picking up hundreds of life signs,” Kelly says gleefully. “And structures, like straw houses and huts! Maybe they have some metal or wire we can use to repair the ship.”

By the time they land their ship and disembark, the trio is surrounded by a wide assortment of humanoids wearing bright wool clothing with tassels, fringes, feathers, and embroidered designs. Some are half woman, half bird, others have the faces of owls and the bodies of elks, and others appear human with snakes for hair.

Looking at the spears and shields they carry, Ishmael observes, “They appear to have advanced as far as Earth’s Middle Ages.”  

A horned sheep with four red eyes approaches them, followed by a group of ant-like guards wearing breastplates and carrying decorative flags.

He turns on a small box that translates his words into English.

 “Welcome to Conteston, the planet of games. I am Ob Barker. We are elated to have the great gods from the sky as our exalted guests.”

The crowd cheers, horns blow, and celebratory music plays as Ob Barker leads them to an extravagant stone castle. The inside of the castle features lavishly decorated rooms, coffered ceilings, thick woven rugs, and elaborate furniture.

The trio is brought before a manticore with bat-like wings sitting on a jeweled throne.

Kelly jabs Buddy in his side, pointing to a painting above the monarch’s head.

Buddy studies the painting. “Hey, that’s us! But how did they know we’d land here?”

“I have a feeling we’re going to find out,” Kelly replies.

“Welcome, great gods of the sky. I am King Cullin,” the monarch says. “We have been waiting for your return for many eons since my father’s father’s father’s father ruled. Please, come sit by me.”

Buddy and Kelly sit on two thrones adjacent to the monarch.

“And what manner of miracles is this being?” King Cullin asks, pointing a wing at Ishmael.

“I am an artificial life form designed to aid and protect.”

“By the gods, it speaks! Does it fly like your space vessel? Can it fight? Make my breakfast?”

“I can do all of those things.”

“Magnificent! Then we shall play Over the Wall for it! Come!”

King Cullin leads the trio to a building resembling a baseball stadium. The citizens of Conteston are filing into their seats, clapping, and yelling King Cullin’s name.

“Did they play baseball in Medieval times?” Buddy asks.

A lizardman with four arms stands on the pitcher’s mound, a supply of baseballs in a large wicker basket next to him. King Cullin introduces him.

“This is Squire Nolan Gibson. He is our all-time Over the Wall champion. I warn you, his pitches dance like the wind…The rules of Over the Wall are simple. Hit the ball over the stone wall. We get ten swings apiece. If I win, I will get your speaking metal contraption. If you win, you may have whatever you need to repair your space vehicle. You may begin, great god Buddy.”

Buddy selects a bat so long and thick it could pass for a tree trunk.

“I played soccer in high school and backgammon in college,” he whispers to Kelly.

“Time to man up, Buddy.”

Nolan Gibson throws his first pitch. Buddy swings mightily, but misses. Before he can swing again, Gibson has thrown his second pitch. The crowd grumbles disapprovingly as Buddy misses all but three of Gibson’s pitches. He manages to foul one off. The two hits he gets barely make it to the outfield.

King Cullin looks at Buddy in disbelief.

“Are you pretending to be gods?”

“I’m out of practice, and Squire Gibson throws like a paddlewheel. If you want to try me at five-card stud…”

“Is it a game played with steeds? Perhaps. But first I will prove myself the equal of the gods by besting you at Over the Wall.”

King Cullin picks up a smaller bat, hitting every other one of Gibson’s pitches over the wall.

The crowd cheers and deliriously chants the King’s name.

Kelly picks up a bat. “My turn.”

King Cullin scoffs. “Females do not play Over the Wall, not even female gods. It is for men only.”

“Oh, really? We’ll see about that.”

Ishmael pulls her aside.

“The Squire threw Buddy curves and sweepers, nothing over the plate. You have to time his delivery as King Cullin did.”

Smiling deviously, Gibson throws Kelly a curveball. She lets it go past and hits his second pitch over the wall. She continues to let the first pitch pass in order to hit the second.

When Gibson reaches eight pitches, King Cullin stands, shouting, “Ha! You have two pitches left. The best you can do is a tie!”

Kelly digs in as Gibson winds up. She swings, hitting the ball straight up in the air. Gibson throws another pitch, which Kelly hits for the tying Over the Wall ball.

The first pitch drops from the sky. Kelly swings at it, hitting it over the fence to win the game.

King Cullin roars with approval. “You have proven you are indeed gods!”

“How did you hit two balls at once?” Buddy asks.

“My Dad was Eddie Rainer. He ran the King and his Court Softball team. He taught me how to hit a softball blindfolded.”

Pushing his plate away, Buddy sits back in his chair, trying to suppress a belch.

“More?” King Cullin asks.

“No, thank you. That was the best shrimp pizza and spumoni I’ve ever had.”

“I was hoping to fatten you up and slow you down for our next game.”

“What do you have in mind?” Buddy asks.

“A simple mind game called ‘Guess the Phrase.’ Two letters are missing. You have three guesses to figure out the phrase.”

Squire Gibson writes the phrase up on a chalkboard.

WE WILL _ _ LL YOU

“I bet it relates to our dinner.,” Kelly says spritely. “We will fill you.”

King Cullin roars with laughter. “Sorry. That’s one guess.”  

“It is late… Perhaps it is time we went to bed,” Ishmael cautions.

“What are you talking about, Ishmael? You don’t sleep,” Buddy scolds.

“I’ll guess a letter,” Kelly says. “An ‘I’.”

“That is correct, Goddess Kelly,” King Cullin roars, his tail swishing back and forth.

“It’s usually a vowel,” Kelly whispers to Buddy.

“We will bill you?” Buddy guesses. “Are you charging us for parking our rocket ship?”

A company of ant guards moves toward Buddy and Kelly.

“IT’S WE WILL KILL YOU!” Ishmael shouts.

Firing his laser, Ishmael sets a tapestry next to Squire Gibson on fire.

“Probably a good time for us gods to leave,” Buddy says, and Ishmael leads them out of the dining hall.

As the trio runs through the castle, Buddy is distracted by a large room with statues.

“What is all of this?”

“Maybe they’re Terra cotta statues, you know like the Chinese made in ancient times,” Kelly replies.

“They are the reason I wanted us to leave,” Ishmael says. “These are not statues, not in the proper sense.”

“What do you mean?” Kelly asks.

“These are the Conteston’s collection of gods. They take their visitors and cover them in chocolate… While they are still alive. Then they eat them to commemorate the King’s birthday. Now, shall we continue to try and escape?”

The trio ducks behind a group of hedges near their ship.

Four ant soldiers guard the ship. “Can you zap them, Ishmael?”

“They are too far apart.”

“I got this,” Kelly says.

Before Buddy can pull her back, Kelly is standing in front of the soldiers.

“I am the Goddess Kelly Starbuck! Who wants a piece of me!”

The four ants gather together, laughing and shrieking as they approach Kelly.

Ishmael’s laser blast knocks the ant men off their feet, knocking them out.

“All aboard!” Buddy shouts.

“We have one chance left,” Buddy says as they approach the planet Shopatron.

“I’m picking up three life signs, one humanoid, two synthetic.”

“Check. Put the planet viewing screen,” Buddy says enthusiastically.

Above the planet, spelled out in flashing neon light, is a sign that reads BARNUM T. FIRESTORM’s NEW, USED, & SURPLUS PARTS.

“Score!” Buddy shouts steering the ship to a soft landing on a field.

Kelly points in the direction of a large grey building. Festive ribbons hang over the windows and doors. Signs on the roof flash BIG SALE! MAKE US AN OFFER! and BEST PRICES IN THE UNIVERSE! in various languages.

“A warehouse? Here?”

“Yes, here!” a voice replies.

A creature resembling a big, cuddly bear wearing a derby approaches them. On either side of him are two robots. The first, a basic male work drone, resembles a refrigerator with arms. The second resembles a humanoid woman with short silver hair wearing a metallic bustier.

“I’m Barnum T. Firestorm, owner of the biggest warehouse in the universe. These two snappy synths are G.E. and Harmoni.”

“I’m Buddy Bridger. This is Kelly Starbuck, and our service synth Ishmael.”

Ishmael lets out an audible “BOING!” as he scans Harmoni.

Firestorm goes into barker mode. “We’ve got laser guns, engines, time transfer machines, and oil for your synthetic friend.”

“Have you got a way to get us home?” Kelly asks sadly.

“Where are you from?”

“Have you heard of Earth?” Buddy asks.

“A troublesome planet. A little backward. You still make war with each other. You’re lifetimes away from home. Why would you want to go back there?”

“We have families there,” Kelly says.

“Ah, I see,” Firestorm says sympathetically.

“Our suspended animation core malfunctioned,” Buddy states.

“I’ve got dozens of those that could fit your ship. I’ll warn you, they’re expensive. Five hundred azuzas.”

“We deal in money.”

Firestorm shakes his furry head. “Money is useless in this universe.”

He looks over at Ishmael.

“Hmm. Are you a K-13XX model?”

Ishmael stiffens with pride. “Yes. I have been modified. I have a laser suite, navigation capability, and I am a gourmet chef.”

“Excellent. I tell you what, I’ll offer you a trade. Ishmael for a way home.”

“We can’t trade Izzy. He’s one of us,” Buddy protests.

“I’ll stay!” Ishmael blurts out.

“It’s a noble gesture, Ishmael. Are you sure about this?” Kelly asks.

Ishmael smiles at Harmoni, who coyly smiles back.

“BOING! I mean, yes, I am certain.”

“It’s a deal, then,” Buddy says. “So, what kind of computer or time machine have you got?”

Firestorm takes a remote out of his built-in pockets, pressing a button.

A gigantic object rises behind the warehouse.

Kelly gives Buddy a skeptical glance, saying, “That’s just a giant slingshot.”

“No, that’s a trans universal time accelerator. It’ll knock a hundred and fifty years off your trip home, I guarantee it!”

“Is it safe?”

“I said, I guarantee it! The only side effects may be memory loss. Now let’s have some shrimp pizza and spumoni.”

“You eat that too?” Buddy asks. “The inhabitants of Conteston eat the same thing.”

“King Cullin and his cannibal subjects are screwy as our collection of nuts and bolts in aisle six, but they have good taste. Shrimp pizza and spumoni are considered a gift from the gods in this quadrant. So, let’s have some. Then I’ll send you home.”

“What do you know, a bear who likes Italian food,” Buddy comments.

“Bears like all food,” Kelly replies.

Ishmael reaches for Harmoni’s hand.

“BOING!”

Buddy snickers. “Are we witnessing robot love at first sight?”

“I guess anything’s possible in this universe.”

Kelly walks toward a man standing next to the FutureWorld! ride.

“Where you goin’, hon?” Terry yells after her.

“Take the boys for their saucer ride, I’ll be over here when you get out.”

“Are you going to stare at that robot thing all day?” Colette asks Buddy. “The boys are getting restless.”

“Take them inside. I’ll wait here.”

Colette huffs as she guides the twins inside.

A blonde woman with a ready smile moves next to him.

“I know this sounds funny, but there’s something special about this bucket of bolts,” Buddy says.

Kelly smiles. “You feel it too, eh?”

“You know what I really feel?” Buddy asks, “I feel hungry. How about you and your family join us for some food?”

“Pizza and spumoni,” they say simultaneously.