Asian American Fiction Sad

The train ran by the ocean and the sky was blue but littered by untainted white clouds. It was summer in the middle of june. The sun streaked and glittered the ocean;  It is a sight that is so comforting. The wind came through the window of which I had opened hours ago. The air  smelled like salt as it blew the hair away from my face but not enough to set my hat riding the wind. I rested my elbow on the sil and leaned my head over my arm.

I needed to get away. Living in the city was exhausting and It felt like millions of lives moving forward all at once in fast motion and I was running out of air to breathe. I dropped everything and jumped on the next train out of the city. And before I knew it I was looking at an ocean view. 

There were seagulls flying above. I do not understand birds however, watching them I knew that they are happy because they are free and gliding against the wind headed to the unknown. I closed my eyes  for a moment and imagined that I was one like them. With a sigh escaping my lips,  I silently thought to myself ‘Is it me or does everyone think of the little things too? Does everyone wish that they were born in another way? Maybe I would want to be a crow. I’d be able to soar free and find treasures I will value. And perhaps one day if I find love, I would have someone to share it with.’ 

I breathe in and out. The bell of the train rang twice and it made me feel like it was slowing down time despite how fast the train went by. It was a comfort which I have seldom experienced since I left my hometown, where I used to ride the bike to go anywhere in town whether it be going to school or buying from the nearest convenience store or the market. Everything was simple and gentle. No one is in a hurry and no one is left alone. Everyone was at present. There was time to be silly with friends, nights when we stayed up late and problems that  appear to be so dramatic when looking back at  it. We got through it together because our lives weren’t just our own. We used to have our own world and our own rules. It was light and secured. It was easy to take a few steps back and fix what has been broken. Undo the mistake and regress. 

The bell of the train rang again. It stopped on a station with a perfect view of the ocean. I looked at the watch on my wrist. 'I still have lots of time on my hands.' I grabbed my bag that I had laid beside me and cautiously stood up and walked as I  maintained my balance. With little hesitation, I boarded off the train. My shoes touched the pavement and I have never felt magnetic in such a place. I stood there until the train left and watched the end of it until it cannot be further seen. The sound of the ocean waves I can finally take in. It sounded like whispers of sweet nothing I have been cluelessly starving to hear. It felt warm, cold and nice all at once.  It felt like a dream. 

Similar to a phase of shock, I nervously adjusted the straps of my bag on my shoulder and prepared myself to move. I carefully took a few steps toward the railings of the fences dividing the station and the ocean. My finger delicately brushed the rails, testing to see if the place was a hallucination. Seemingly that it didn't disappear, my anxiousness did. I held onto the railings of the fence and observed everything my eyes could sight. I inhaled the air and closed my eyes to feel the breeze again. The wind played with the hem of my skirt and the strands of  my hair. The wind felt like I was being embraced by the arms of a beloved,  As if the wind was inviting me to dance. I closed my eyes again and swaid with the wind, with a smile on my face, until it was satisfied. 

When I opened my eyes again it met the ocean and I wondered how it was perfectly blue. The warm sun tickled my skin that has become surprisingly cold. The ocean took my breath away but I have never felt more alive, like a feather finally reaching its destination after being led into so many directions. I took my shoes off and carried it with one hand, I walked  barefooted with my eye focused on the blue horizon with my other hand still attached on the rails of the fences.

My mind has become silent and empty. I wanted to scream and cry out of happiness. Like a deaf newborn baby experiencing a hearing aid for the first time. I was at peace yet was confused. I was calm and yet I feel like I would explode with this unfamiliar feeling. It was both comforting and uncomfortable. Unbeknownst to my own, my feet that were once walking on pavement, was now walking on sand. It has led me to a beach and before I knew it, the cold ocean water conquered my feet. The ocean whispered and swept the strands of hair away from my face once again. The sun still glitters the ocean water. The blue sky was still littered with white clouds.  Everything was still the same; It was perfect. There was no way anyone could convince me that this is not a dream. Life changes and it gets harder every time.  You have to move fast or you’d be left alone. Reality sets in, and then fear and anxiousness crept back in. At some point we wake up from a dream no matter how much we want to stay. I took a step back, Only till the ocean couldn't touch my skin anymore. ‘I had to go back soon’. My chest began to feel heavy but the scene was too captivating. I wanted to stay even though I should leave. But do I really need to?  When you find a place where you feel at home, you feel like you belong, Do you really have to leave? 

Seconds felt like Minutes, and minutes turned to hours. It was silent with only the sound of the wind and waves. Tears escaped my eyes and then I began to sobbed, then I cried out loudly, and my sobs turned heavy.  The wind then began to blow hard. There was a glint of light that caught my eye where the blue sky met the ocean. My eyes were filled with tears so I squinted them and wiped them dry for a better sight.  A Crow flew by and it flawlessly surfed the blue sky;  It flew in circles and curves. Then there was the glint of light again. The crow saw it too.  It flew nearer to me and around me as if it was communicating with me, before it went to where the light was. Distracted and my mouth agape, no longer crying.  I watch the crow wing its way to where the sky meets the sea. 

I took another step backward and layed my shoes carefully down the white sand. I took off my hat and bag and laid it along my shoes. I Inhaled and sighed, preparing myself. Gently I took steps toward the ocean. Then my skin reunited with the cold water. With no intention to stop moving forward, the hem of my skirt was soaked with water as I immerse myself further in the ocean, and In a blink of an eye the water was now at level of my waist where I decided to pause for a minute. I swore I heard the wind whisper “stay”.  I took the band that I tied my hair with and dropped it on the ocean carelessly before proceeding to where I saw the glint of light. I felt excitement rush through my body and an unknown smile was lingering on my face. For instance, my body submerged in the sea. 

Everything was blue and calming. My hair and clothes flowed elegantly against the water. I looked up toward where the sky was supposed to be but was only with the light piercing through the water. I reached my hand towards it but I was sinking down. I observed the glowing light on my skin until I was slowly out of its reach. Until I was fully submerged under water. It became colder and darker with  each time passing by, and soon it was only the illuminating moonlight guiding me. I was alone in the midst of nowhere and yet I was calm even if I was running out of air. My breathing was on hold but it was pleasant. In a few seconds, drowsiness crept in and my eyes began to heavily flutter and then I succumbed to slumber.

I opened my eyes, with my mind still hazed.  I was welcomed by the big dark sky littered with glowing freckles. confused and lacking in sense of reaction, my eyes traced and memorized each of the twinkling lights, without realizing that I was now afloat on water and no longer submerged under. I noticed that the stars were shining harder but I thought that it was just my eyesight playing tricks on me. I brushed the thoughts aside  and  raised my hand as high as I could in attempts to reach for the stars. 

Droplets from my hand fell on to my face, as I connected the flickering lights. However on spur of the moment, the stars modified to  bigger and brighter.  Then I figured that they were coming closer. One touched the surface of the ocean and then water illuminated shortly. Two more dropped onto the ocean and then came down  more of them with each passing second as if it was raining with stars. I have no desire to move, I just stayed and watched the stars fall and dive into the ocean until the sleepiness takes over me once again.

March 04, 2021 19:52

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