Low-key Shun

No one ever seeks to be alone. You know, that isn’t true, don’t know why I have to overexaggerate everything. Hyperbole would be the force by which would run my superpower, if I had super powers. I am not certain what I would want my super power to be. My go-to is to be invisible. Which, pretty much refutes my first sentence. So, forget that first sentence. If you could strike it from the record, like a court stenographer with a machete, or a particularly angry album purchaser…with a machete. Apparently, everyone has machetes. There must have been a sale. But that is good. We now know that the force behind my superpower is, Hyper Bully, and my weapon of choice would be a machete. Probably an invisible one like Wonder Woman’s stealth plane. That would probably also be my weakness, I could only attack people with my machete after I have infused them with the power of Hyper Bully, and they have a strong negative reaction. Then they are able to be wounded by my invisible machete. jeez, I sound like a cyber bully. Maybe, Hyper Bully, is evil. Now that is something. Certainly adding some Jameson to my tea. Am I a baddie?

Let’s start this whole thing again, so…oh, wait. Before I get started with the whole, It was the best of rains, it was the worst of rains, and tell of the great flood that connected two warring cities, before that, on the topic of machetes, the town where I have built my lair had a machete attack last year. It was less of an attack and more of a machete waving. Maybe the machete was going on a long trip to the land of Small Knives. Maybe it was Gulliver and needed to seek the armored Horse people, and it was just waving goodbye to all the other machetes. Whether it was the machete who guided the person or the man who guided the machete wasn’t clear in the newspaper article, but a man broke into a car, grabbed the machete and waved it around. Imagine the waving scenes from Love Boat. Now imagine everyone with machetes. That was how it must have looked. He did it at a park where there is a boat just sitting there on dry land. It is a big boat. So maybe to properly wave, it requires a big knife. He was caught. No one was hurt. People were rightfully freaked out, but all worked out, and no one got hurt. The real story here is that in my town, where I have my lair, there are cars parked at public parks, with easy to access machetes. That is where I live. That is my home. It might surprise you but I had a hard time making friends.

I tried one of those speed dating events once. Well, several times. But for the sake of my reputation as a baddie, I should probably just stick to saying once. A lot of people look down on those events. You can’t really get to know someone in a short period of time. It is really all about those fast judgements and designed for people who make one decision and move on. As if all the dating possibilities are a criminal line-up from an 80’s TV show. Nope, nope, nope, nope, Yes officer, he or she or They are the one for me, I will pay their bail and buy them dinner, they can reimburse me later after we have moved in together. Hyper Bully, away!

So, I gave speed dating a try. I did all the things you are supposed to do. Dressed to impress. Put on some cologne, not too much. Just a little dab’ll do ya. I left the machete in the car. I carried with me my good luck charm and went to the bar, hoping to meet someone I would fancy. And who would fancy me. I said, I was looking for only friendship, but you know, secretly, I was looking for love. I just didn’t want to come across too strong. After all, I was in my workaday costume, my overexaggerations are when I am on the clock saving (destroying?) the town. 

I won’t bore any one with too many details. Besides, that is the name of a rival superhero in town. Dee Tails. She uses her many tails both as a mode of transportation and as weapons. She swings jagged tails around like nunchucks. She is deadly fast and really intimidating. I want to meet her but every time I do, I just disappear. I am just not on her level. But yeah, no, I walked through the door at the bar, signed up, got my name tag, grabbed a drink or two and sat at my first table, waiting for the gong. Yeah. We switched people after the gonging of a gong. I’d say it was a bit extra, but that would be a bit hypocritical coming from Hyper Bully. And Hippa Critical is also a super hero who makes sure everyone is super secure with their medical records. He is a very specific super hero. Really not much more than a particularly literal physician. That would actually be a great name for a villain. I’ll remember that one in case I get into recruiting. 

It wasn’t the best night, I should probably say that. I tried to be prepared with my likes and dislikes. It may not surprise you, but I talk a big game but have a difficult time delivering. Hyper Bully to the rescue!!! And then I just kind of show up and look at my feet, kick some stones and wonder what I am doing. I really need a protocol sheet, and a script. What I need is someone to walk me through the process. It is so hard starting out on your own and I don’t know what I am doing. 

Speed dating in a smallish town may not be advisable. I think there were about ten different change overs and most of them were just embarrassing. Aside from all of my attempts to remain invisible, most of them knew me. Hey, you are the guy from the store, or, Weren’t you on the news, or Oh my god, you are the one waving the machete. With every one, except for one, the women didn’t stay very long. Just a look and a couple of questions and a hurried move to the bar to get more drinks and wait for the gong. Like the Gong Show. Except instead of me getting the hook, they were getting off the hook. Except for one. There was one woman who sat down. She wasn’t the last person and she wasn’t the first. I think she was the fourth person. If she were the last, I might have tried harder to make a move in terms of a real date contact. If she were the first, I probably would have been so nervous, I wouldn’t have even remembered how to speak. 

And I want to stress. It wasn’t that it was a good encounter. She just came over after the gong and sat down. She stared at me, while I introduced myself and started on my little unscripted rant. I like walks in the rain, sand carvings in the rain, flood lines, tsunami safe zones, the usual chit chat on a first date, and she just stared. Didn’t speak, didn’t react. Just stared. Eventually, after a good long few seconds of silence, she turned her head to the side. I would have been just outside her peripheral vision and she slowly, very slowly, moved her chair so she was facing not quite fully sideways from me. It was both terribly hurtful and also very intriguing. And it was the closest thing I had to a genuine connection all night. At least it wasn’t done in anger, or fear, and didn’t require any usage of pepper spray. She just sat there, sort of ignoring me for the rest of the time. At first, I tried to talk to her, but I realized it was pretty pointless and just kind of looked around. I did get a chance to observe her. Everything about her movements were perfect. She was immaculately dressed and her make up was ideal. Even the way her chair was slanted, it all gave this perfect effect of right proper ignoring me, while letting me know, she was ignoring me. Not a single detail was left out. Naturally, I was both in love and heartbroken at the same time. After the gong, she slinked off, without looking at me. I tried to tail her with my eyes and see if there was any way she would notice me or want to continue this further, but then the next person came along and she was the pepper spray person. So, my eyes were pretty teary for the next few rounds. Then the ignorer was gone. 

I know they asked me the question for this thing about what is my ideal date and as weird as it sounds, that may be the closest thing I can think of to an ideal date. Just enough eye contact and kinda sorta ignoring me, but doing it specifically for me. To me. I felt quite special. Aside from the pepper spraying, it was the closest thing to a feeling I got out of the whole night. And the hangover the next day. But some of that may have been some kind of pepper spray induced headache. That stuff works. 

I see I am just about out of space. I hope this is what works for a good profile statement. I am really looking for any woman as a friend, companion, lover, bail buddy, partner in super villainy (heroy?) actions. Whatever. I am pretty flexible. Even if you don’t like what you see please write to me. Even though, I value being invisible, I do really want to be noticed. 

Happy Dating!