No Dreams

Lauren

“Good Morning, Miss Mediana, where would you like to start today?”

              “By leaving this place and never returning.” I answer, the shrinks never like it when I answer this way, especially at first. She’s new, new to me, and new to this facility, unlike me. This trip is the seventh stay since I was six, tomorrow I turn sixteen, and only two more years before my parents no longer have a say in my care, as long as this one doesn’t go along with their most recent plot to numb me into perfection, and deem me unfit to care for myself, which is what my loving parents are going for now.

              Dr Molloy laughs whole heartedly at my reply, which throws me off, “Don’t we all wish that, to never come back to your own problems.”

              “I don’t have a problem,”

              “You don’t then why are in this care facility.” I am in a psychiatric hospital for minors, but it’s not like they are gonna call it that to the patients.

              “My parents.” She looks at me thoughtfully.

              “Lauren, you seem like an intelligent girl. I would like to help you if I could. Since this is your first visit with me, why don’t you start with your first visit to a psychologist and what it was for.”

              I’ve started from the beginning so many times, “Don’t you have my file, can’t you read it.”

              “I have read it, but I want to hear your story, in your words, these just give me small quotes, the doctors at the time found, either profound or helpful.” She smiles all the way too her eyes, “Just indulge me.”

              Dr. Molloy, seems different than the other doctors around here, all of them had forsaken me because I was ‘unmanageable’, as in I refused to take the meds that manage my condition, because I have no condition.

              Sighing I begin. “Fine, I was six when this all started. My mother was explaining a nightmare to my father. Which confused me I had never had a nightmare.”

              “You hadn’t, have you had one today.”

              “No, anyways. I asked her why she had a bad dream and how. She explained to me that it was ok to have bad dreams because our dreams are always different and they always go away, and at times we do not remember what dreams ever were when we wake. I remember shaking my head so confused, while telling her. ‘but mama, my dreams are always the same, and I can always remember them.’ Her and my father laughed until I got visibly upset. Saying “Mama, Dada, its not funny, the other me is real, she is not just a dream.’

              My mother asked me about the other me. I explained Melissa to her. To Lauren Melissa is the dream and to Melissa Lauren is the dream. It is hard to explain, and my parents thought I was kidding at first. But as I grew there were periods of time I would sleep for days not willing or able to get up and then there were days that I would refuse to sleep, also when asked the details I gave about Melissa’s life were too specific for a child to make up. By time I was seven my mother had had it with my sleep patterns and started taking me to see a specialist, who then sent me to a doctor here. And here we are ten years later.”

              “Can you tell me more about your dream world.”

              “It isn’t a dream world its our world, I’m just a different sixteen-year old girl, different name, different look, different family, different life.”

              “Is she aware of you, of Lauren.”

              “Of course, I am, I’m always aware of both of me. I was smarter in that life though, after my mother and father started sending me to doctors for what I said about Melissa, I never mentioned Lauren to Melissa’s parents.”

              “Has anyone here ever met Melissa?”

              “No, how would that be possible?”

              “She could come visit while you’re sleeping, if you really are two different people.” I couldn’t tell if she was serious or not.

              “I’m not quite sixteen yet, Melissa lives a twenty-eight-hour drive away, and to fly it would take three connecting flights. How am I as a sixteen-year old supposed to explain to my parents that I want to go see a girl I’ve never met that will for certain never wake the entire time I’m there and also awake.”

              “I see your point. Where does Melissa live.”

              “That is not information I am willing to share.”

              “Why is that, couldn’t us talking to Melissa, observing her, wouldn’t that help you?”

              “Lauren, yes. Melissa, no. Why would I want both of my lives in shambles?”

              “Is your life truly in shamble here?”

              “I am committed to a mental hospital, by my own parents, all because I stopped taking medicine that when I do take it makes me violently ill and makes me stay wired and awake. My parents don’t let me sleep longer than six hours a night. My mother says its for fear I’ll sink into the fake world and be lost to her forever.”

              “Do you find that a valid fear, do you think you’ll sink into your dreams and never come back.”

              “No, I ‘dream’ every night, even when just napping, the second I’m asleep Melissa is waking up and vise versa. She is me and I am she, but we are not the same. She’s been ill the last few years, ever since my mother started monitoring my sleep, Melissa has been unwell because she is not allowed to be awake, it is not fair, she deserves to live a life too and her family is terrified for us because we keep falling ill. “

              “Have you tried explaining how you feel to your parents, that you don’t want to be on medication anymore, that you would like to sleep when and how you’d like to, and see how well you function.”

              “Have I tried to explain this to them. Of course, I have. Do they listen, only to the doctors, who all seem to think, me being on an obscene amount of medication is the best answer because I am insane, or have an overactive imagination, as some of them have said.”

              “I think you are a bright young woman, who perhaps has a few issues but none that seem to need extreme treatment, and even though you seem to be suffering through some kind of long term psychosis it has not affected your ability to communicate and remain calm. It amazes me the drugs this facility and its doctors have put you on at your age, and the fact that you have absolutely never become violent, we will be stopping them immediately. All of them.” She looks into my file, “Even the caffeine pill, why, that’s how they are keeping you awake. Are you aware that three of your six pills a day are pure caffeine?”

               I’m livid, “No, I was told all of my medicine is basically mood stabilizers.”

              “So you don’t even know what you are taking.” I shake my head and she continues. “Ok, so like I said now that you are under my care, I’ll be taking you off everything.” I know there is doubt in my eyes but hope too.

              “My mother will try to sneak something to me, she always does.”

              Dr. Molloy, pauses, noticeably contemplating something, “I would like to suggest to your parents that you stay here under my supervision for the next lets start with three weeks. Listen as you are a minor, it’s a very touchy subject but I think you are being mistreated by your parents and other doctors at this facility and not truly being heard or helped. I am not going to tell them I’m taking you off the meds, because I think they would protest far too much. I am however going to inform the staff and other doctors that only myself and my direct staff will be administering your medication, under the pretense that I want to be sure you are taking them as directed. What me and you are really going to do for those three weeks is, we’re are going to detox your body. Get you back to normal healthy and let you sleep as much as you want. Then we will see how crazy you become off of the antipsychotics.”

              “Thank you.” is all I can manage, no one has ever truly listened to me before, they all just hear my mother, and look at my chart then prescribe some new miracle drug.

              “I would like to go into more detail about how this all works, you and Melissa, but for now I have a meeting with your parents to discuss your treatment plan.” She winks at me.

              I walk to the door of her office opening it to the waiting room, where my mother sits on her laptop working as usual, my father smiles up at me, “Hey, Sweetie, how’d it go?.” He is such a passive man, mother walks all over him, but he loves us both wholeheartedly and does all he can for us, as best he can anyways, mothers never satisfied, he tried to stop this once I’ll never forget the look on his face when mother threatened to leave him when he suggest that I should not be on so many drugs at ten.

              “As usually, Daddy, she wants to speak to you and Mother.” I step out of the office allowing them to enter, my mother hands me her laptop to hold, looking at me disappointedly, too bad I was used to it.

              Thirty minutes later my parents and Dr. Molloy walk towards me in the waiting room. “It looks as though you’ve earned your longest stint here yet, young lady, and with uninterrupted treatment, you won’t even get to see your father and me. I hope your happy.” My mother says as if I am causing this.

              The next three weeks went by far to fast. I slept twelve hours a day and got to be both of me evenly after the first week and all the meds were out of my system, it was wonderful. Dr. Molloy and I worked out a treatment plan that while I was still underage would keep me awake as Lauren more to appease my parents, but she put in my treatment plan that I am to get at the very least eight hours of sleep a night if not closer to ten. Dr. Molloy found that as long as I slept well I was able to do all of my school work and other projects she added on to my to do list as well,  so as she put it this other life is not affecting this one negatively and it should not be of concern. She firmly believes that as long as I am lucid and sane there are no issues with Melissa being there in my ‘dreams’.

              The day comes when I get go home, Dr. Molloy explains my new treatment plan to my parents. My father seems delighted, “I’m so glad to hear that this minimalistic approach is working so well.”

              “I don’t believe it.” My mother says bitterly.

              “Well, we will just have to see.” My father says. “Let’s go home.” He wraps an arm around my mother’s shoulders and then the other around mine. “My girls.”

              I was so happy on the way home thinking things were going to change and I could even go back to school and make friends again now that my life is getting back to normal. I should have known that wouldn’t last. The first time I slept longer than eight hours my mother threw a fit. I told her to calm down and that I’m allowed ten hours, doctors’ orders and that her keeping me awake is unhealthy and abuse. She didn’t like that, but I didn’t care.

              One morning I wake up, walk into our oversized kitchen to find my mother there, she didn’t notice me walk in so when I see what she’s doing I quickly back out and continue to watch. She’s got a bottle of caffeine pills next to her and she’s grinding them up and mixing them in orange juice. When she finishes, she puts the bottle under the sink and heads towards the hallway I’m standing in. I run to my room, get back into bed, and pull the blankets over my head moments before she walks in.

              “Morning sleepy head, I brought you some orange juice.”

              “Thank you, Mother.” I take it, I drink it. “I’m tired still mother, I think I’d like to continue sleeping.” I expected her to complain but she doesn’t probably assuming I’ll be awake soon because of the caffeine.

              “Yes, my love, go ahead and sleep you only slept eight hours last night, I’ll wake you in a couple of hours, I had just hoped you’d get up and run errands with me.” she smiles and leave the room.

              I now know what I have to do, I have to choose, and I have chosen. Lauren goes back to sleep, only to stay that way forever.

Melissa

              Today is my eighteenth birthday, I have had the best, most relaxing two years of my life, and I know exactly what I’m doing tomorrow, after I celebrate with my family. It’s time to go see Lauren. My savings is going to pay for the plane ticket there and back. I have to see her; we need to let go. The day Laurens mother showed us that she would never give up on having the perfect daughter and would never truly accept Lauren as we are, we left and never came back. I didn’t know that was an option, until I decided to do it. Lauren lays in a comma, the doctors believing she had some sort of reaction to the meds her mother had given her in the orange juice, not just caffeine apparently. She never wakes and when I sleep I simply hear what’s going on around her now instead of experiencing her waking life. It is very nice actually it’s like I’m actually sleeping and not just running on empty like I had my whole life. The last two years have been great. As Melissa I have gotten better, returned to school, slept, even make honor roll junior and senior year, I can live and love for once.

              When I arrive at the care facility every inch of me wants to run away, afraid they will try to keep me again, but then I remember they don’t know me, they won’t recognize me as Melissa from Laurens delusions, I’ll just be a visitor. Staring into Laurens private room, her small body connected to so many machines. It was surreal staring at someone you once were.

              “May I help you,” a voice broke through my thoughts, it was Dr. Molloy.

              “Oh, sorry, I was just hoping to visit a friend,”

              “I’m sorry only family is allowed on this floor.”

              I look at her hoping she’s intuitive enough to follow what I’m about to say, “I’m Melissa, I am Laurens family, I’m sorry if I didn’t explain well enough.”

              “Melissa? How are you related to Lauren, I was under the impression she only had her parents?”

              “Oh, we may as well be the same person, me and Lauren.”

              “How old are you?” Dr. Molloy asks.

              “Turned eighteen…”

              “Yesterday.” She knew because Lauren and I share a birthday, it’s our only common marker, our birthday.

              “Is this a joke, has one of my students set you up to this, I know I get emotional about this case but her mother should be in jail.”

              “Please don’t do that, we know what she did was wrong, but she loved Lauren in her own way.”

              “This is a joke right.” She says again shaking her head vigorously, looking me in the eyes.

              “No joke, Doc, I just needed to say goodbye to her.”

              “Goodbye?”

              “Yeah, I think both of us are ready to let her go. We weren’t happy here and while I miss Laurens dad, we don’t miss much else, what’s the point in staying sometimes asleep here when I can always be here instead.” I point at Lauren on the bed and then to my own body.

              “Ok.” Is all Dr. Molloy says and walks away adding, “I always did, somehow, believe you. I had hoped you’d found your way to being just Melissa, she seemed to be so much happier than Lauren, I hope you have a tremendous life.”

              I smile walking into Laurens room. Taking her hand in mine I can feel the energy surge through us and I know it is just me now. I feel Lauren with me like always but different, now one instead of two. The machines slowly begin to beep as Lauren fades. I quickly jot a note for her parents, in our handwriting they’ll know its from her.

Mom and Dad,

Sorry, I put you through so many hard times, these last eighteen years.

Mother you were wrong in what you did, I forgive you.

Daddy, I’m proud you finally moved on from mother, now let me go too, I am ok. I’ll be seeing you.

Love Lauren.

              Laurens father always told her I’ll be seeing you when he left from visiting her, and the last time he visited, yesterday he’d brought his new girlfriend to meet Lauren. He’d left his wife when their little girl went into a comma.

              Now knowing that this part of my life is done, I leave the hospital ready to live a life complete and not broken anymore, for the first time in my eighteen years of life. I am now just Melissa, no longer the dream that was Lauren.