Can't Elope (...or Can We?)

“You never listen to me.”

“I listen to you.”

“No, see. You’re tinkering what that device again.”

“I have work to do.” 

“Please.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Finally looking at me and not your computer screen?” 

“What do you want to say?” 

“I want to tell you — Oh, great — now your phone’s ringing.”

“I won’t answer.” 

“Okay, listen — I don’t think our relationship is working out.”

“Why not?”

“Because you never listen!”

“I’m listening now.”

“Yeah — after 3 months, you can stop what you’re doing to look at me. It’s about time.”

“Crikey! What do you want?!”

“I said it. I want to break up. I’m done — done with this relationship!"

“Please — I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?!”

“I love you, Emma.”

“What the he— you what? You do?”

“Yes, I do. I’ll prove it to you.”

“What’s this — a ring?!” 

“Yup. Will you marry me?” 

“I don’t know whether to laugh to cry. I never suspected this.”

“Well?” 

“Of course I’ll marry you, Mark!” 

“Don’t cry, Emma.”

“I can’t help it. I love you, I love you, I love you. I’ve waited so long for this.”

“Waited so long for me to propose? A little while ago, you were ready to break up with me, Em!”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry."

“Why not? I feel bad. I feel like a jerk. I was ready to call it off with the man I love, and here he is popping the big question to me. I really don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I know you have your faults, but so do I, and we can work through it — we can! We can get counseling! But now — now I can plan my wedding, I can tell everyone you proposed, I can invite all my friends and family, I can choose a bridesmaid!"

“Plan a wedding? I was hoping we could actually elope!”

“Elope?! We can't elope!"

“Yes, remember I might be 18 in another month, but you’re still only 17. I don’t want my family to know, and your parents might freak if they knew, Emma.”

“But I want to plan a wedding! I want my entire family to be there! We can’t just run away. We can't elope!"

“Why not? I don’t think your father would approve of us getting married. He'd never give me your hand. Besides, your family has made it quite clear they don’t like me.”

“Great. Can we ever agree on anything?”

“I’m sorry I feel this way, but I love you, Emma, and don’t want anyone to destroy what we have by having your father turn us down. I really can’t express how much I love you and how much I want this. I’m sorry. Please forgive me, Em.”

“When I look into those big brown eyes of yours, Mark, I can’t resist. Yes, I forgive you. Yes, we can elope. When and where?”

“Tomorrow night. Meet me at Portland airport. We will fly to Vegas. I already have the tickets. We can stay with my cousins down there until we turn 18. Then, we can marry. What do you think?”

“I think my dad’s calling, and I better get home. It’s getting late. I’ll meet you tomorrow at the airport. One question: what about school?”

“There’s a solution: we can both drop out and get our GEDs. It’s easy.”

“But my dad will kill me, and you're going to graduate this year!"

“Your dad will kill me if he knew what we were planning, and you know how much I hate school, Emma."

“Right, right. Okay, baby, I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow night. What time?”

“9:00. Be there.”

“Okay, I will. You know I will. I love you so much. I’m so glad we worked out our problems. I will never fight with you again!”

“Well, there will be times, but I hope we can always work through it.”

“Oh, me, too! I just love you and want to be with you for the rest of my life!”

“Okay, you better go. Call me when you get home.” 

“I will, I will! I’m so sorry I was mad.”

“Don’t worry about it, babe. I love you.”

“One more thing.”

“What, babe?”

“I forgot my family has a dinner planned with my aunt and uncle tomorrow until 9 pm. How do I get away?”

“Your dinner lasts until 9 pm?”

“My family is big on socializing. They may not even leave until midnight or even 1 am. My dad’s brother and his wife love to stay and chat, and we are all expected to be there as a family. I’m expected to ‘hang out’ and chat with my cousins while my parents drink and go to bed by 9 pm so they can drink more with my aunt and uncle.”

“Oh.”

“Oh? That’s all you have to say?”

“Hmm, why don’t you tell them you’re not feeling good and climb out your window?”

“You want me to climb out a second-floor window?” 

“Listen to me: you know that tree nearby your window? Sneak out onto the ledge, shimmy your way onto the tree branch, climb down the tree, and run to your car. Okay? Got it?”

“Oh, baby, you’re a genius — and a rebel. I love you so much, Mark!”

“I love you, too, Emma, and quite frankly, I don’t know how such a good girl like you ended up with a bad boy like me, but I’m so glad you did. Don’t forget to kiss me before you leave. You know, I’m already gonna have wet dreams tonight. Oooh, I cannot wait until you are my wife!”

“Oh, shit. Dad again. I better get going.”

“Yes, my virgin love. I love you. Get home to your daddy and come home to your real daddy tomorrow night. I promise I will give you the life you wish for. Bye, Emma. 

Don’t cry. I’ll be with you tomorrow night and for the rest of your life. I promise you. Good-bye — only for tonight. We have the rest of our lives and eternity together. I will always be there. Go home, and I will see you tomorrow night. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Mark — forever and ever with all of my heart and soul. I will go home, see my family for the last time, and sneak out to meet you tomorrow. I love you so much! I can't believe one day you will be mine forever and ever!"

"Love you, too, babe. Daddy's waiting for you... Soon."