Under the Yum Yum Tree

THIS STORY CONTAINS PROFANITY AND REFERENCES TO VIOLENCE, DRUG USE, AND PORNOGRAPHY.

It was a rainbow-brightened day as Kitty the Cat was strolling through the forest of Sparkle on her way for a surprise visit to her old friend Mr. Hoot. The lovable owl was always happy to serve tea in his little home at the top of the Yum Yum Tree. She walked along the trail, thinking about how grateful she was for the Yum Yum Tree, for it provided all of the inhabitants of the Sparkle Forest with whatever they desired. All you had to do was request it at the base of the tree, and from the benevolent roots it would spring forth. However, that was not Kitty's goal today, for she was stocked up on milk, mice-flavored muffins, and catnip. She was wearing a pink callico-print dress and she sang a happy tune she had been taught by Ms. Unicorn a few days before. It went as follows:

"Here in the Sparkle Forest, we're happy as we can be!

Everything we want or need is under the Yum Yum Tree!

Come and join us round and round!

Forget the penny have a pound!

All of us on hallowed ground, here in the Sparkle Forest!"

Kitty enjoyed the song so much, she sang it a second time, but this time at the final words a deep voice joined her in perfect harmony. It was Sydney the Snake, one of her best buddies in the forest (for indeed everyone was a friend or someone you hadn't met yet!).

"S-s-such a nice s-s-song," hissed Sydney. "S-s-so good to see you, Kitty!"

"You as well," replied Kitty. "That was a beautiful harmony just now. I always forget what a lovely singing voice you have. And you look very handsome in your green beret."

"Thanks-s-s. I have been performing for s-s-seven months-s-s in Mr. Murgatroyd's-s-s choir. You should join us-s-s, we could use another alto."

"I just might do that. I have been looking to expand my hobbies," said Kitty. "Sydney, I am on my way to the Yum Yum Tree to visit Mr. Hoot for a surprise tea party! Would you like to come along?"

"Why, Ms. Kitty, I would love to accompany you! Nobody brews tea quite like Mr. Hoot!"

The two friends marched and slithered happily along the trail, passing by the Gumdrop Waterfall and the Shimmering Sands that led to the docks of Dilly Dally that bordered the nearby ocean of Zanzibar. The Island of Isolation was in that vast ocean, but Kitty didn't know anyone who had ever gone there. She brought it up to Sydney on their walk, but he didn't know anyone either, though he did offer to introduce her to Roger Raccoon who piloted the ferry to the Island of Isolation, as well as the Calm Coast, the Nests of Nirvana, and the Clever Cliffs where puns uttered were echoed and multiplied so they could be heard and enjoyed in a thousand-mile radius!

"I've always wanted to go the Clever Cliffs!" purred Kitty.

"Are you good with pun-s-s?" asked Sydney as they passed an apple tree. The fruit was so shiny it looked like red gems glistening in the sun.

"Oh yes," replied Kitty. "The only reason I haven't taken an ocean voyage is because I can't fathom one. It's totally out of my depth."

"My that is-s-s clever! I've been to the Clever Cliffs-s-s a number of times-s-s, but I can never think of any puns-s-s once I get there."

"Next time we shall go together then," announced Kitty, gazing up at the apples glittering seductively on the tree.

"Would you like an apple?" asked Sydney.

"No, thank you," replied Kitty, "I'm trying to cut back. The skin of an apple makes me feel rotten to the core."

"You truly are a gifted puns-s-ster!" Sydney said, laughing heartily. "Look, here we are at Mr. Hoot's treehouse!"

The Yum Yum Tree stood before them providing glorious shade from the rainbow- bright sun beaming over the forest. Sydney slithered up while Kitty took the ladder and the pair met on the perch at Mr. Hoot's front door. The ornate door was carved with squares and intersecting lines, reminding Kitty of a maze that ended on the large wing-shaped knocker.

Kitty knocked at the front door as Sydney would have had to use his head or tail to do so. There was a rustling sound, then a scratching noise, then the voice of Mr. Hoot,

"Who-o-o is it?"

"It's Kitty the Cat and Sydney the Snake. We came to surprise you for a tea party!"

"Oh, how nice.... Wait just one moment," Mr. Hoot responded. There followed a series of loud bangs, crashes, and doors opening and slamming, as well as a jangle as though someone was dropping fifty thousand keys on the floor.

"Everything okay?" Sydney asked.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, just a bit of a mess! Ouch!" cried Hoot. "Ooh that smarts."

"What 'smarts'? asked Kitty, looking quizzically at Sydney.

"Nothing! Nothing at all! Almost ready!" There were three loud slams, and then Mr. Hoot opened the door. "Who-o-o! So good to see you both, and such a surprise!"

A bead of sweat dripped down Mr. Hoot's forehead and was caught by his red bow tie, and he seemed to be out of breath.

"We aren't interrupting anything are we?" asked Kitty.

"No!" shouted Mr. Hoot. "What would you be interrupting? I wasn't up to anything!"

"No one s-s-said you were," said Sydney. "Is this-s-s a bad time for tea?"

"Bad time?" cried Mr. Hoot. "No, never a better time than the present, isn't that what they say? Please come in and I'll just get the tea!"

Mr. Hoot waddled swiftly past the table and chairs and up to the potbellied stove. The late morning sun glinted off his dazzling spice rack (it was rumored that Mr. Hoot had over five hundred different spices!), and he began to rattle about preparing the tea. Kitty admired the three large cabinets made of a fine cedar that filled the room with a majestic scent mixed with an undercurrent of mulberry (from the tea no doubt!). Mr. Hoot gestured for them to sit at the oaken table that managed to be grand and cozy at the same time. The room was lit by candelabras and a roaring fire in the stone hearth, giving the room a cheery glow.

Mr. Hoot returned with a tray of tea, but when he passed by the first of the three large cabinets, he stumbled, spilling the tea all over the floor. The first cabinet swung open, and an avalanche of weapons fell out: daggers, swords, maces, morning stars, polearms, halberds, and spears.

"What are those?" Kitty asked, her eyes wide with surprise.

"Weapons-s-s," hissed Sydney.

"That's for my personal protection!" shouted Mr. Hoot, slipping into the second cabinet due to the tea all over the floor. Plastic bags of white powder popped off the shelves, covering the owl up to his ankles.

"What's that!" cried Kitty.

"Baking powder!" screamed Mr. Hoot, trying to grab the bags and force them back into the cabinet.

"But they all say 'cocaine' on them," said Kitty.

"It's a very special baking powder!" snapped Mr. Hoot.

"I'll bet," replied Sydney.

Mr. Hoot tried to shove the bags back into the cabinet, but his talons snagged the plastic and several bags burst open. They covered him in white powder, making him look like a ghost owl. Mr. Hoot's eyes widened, and his pupils became the size of saucers. As he leaned for support on the third cabinet, its doors opened and out fell DVD's, magazines, and novels.

"What are all those?!" yelled Kitty.

"That's-s-s porn," whispered Sydney.

"Reference material!" screamed Mr. Hoot. The items were all over the floor, and the materials had titles like: Treehouse Tryst, Fowl Fouls, Breast, Wing, and Thigh Part 4, Flappers, Avian Humpers, For the Birds Part 3, The Nesting, Migration Initiation, Flock Me Part 5, Porno Perch, What the Partridge Saw, Soaring to Desire, Wing Man, and Beak to Butt.

"Wherever did you get all these things, Mr. Hoot?" Kitty gasped.

Mr. Hoot replied, "You'd be surprised at what the Yum Yum Tree can cough up, sister."

The owl looked at the incriminating evidence all over the floor. Then he lifted his head, smiled at his guests, and said, "Well fuck me flying! Anyone feel like a nice game of strip poker?"