Fireballs Suck

Wow I can shoot fireballs out of my hands. Isn’t that so cool! Oh wait. It fucking isn’t. When would that ever be useful in daily life? My select friends and family who know about it think it's the cat’s pajamas though. So I got something going for me. 

Let me clarify some things. It is a literal ball of flame that appears out of nowhere in my palm and shoots forward. When it makes contact with something, it straight up explodes. Like a missile. I practically get thrown back every time. And the worst part is, I can barely control the damned thing. My worst fear is that I’ll be in class and I’ll end up roasting my classmates including myself. Oh, and my second worst fear is that the government finds out about it and kidnaps me and does experiments on me. 

Man, you should’ve been there the first time it happened. I’m in my backyard cleaning up my dog’s shit so I can mow the lawn. All of a sudden, a burning sensation in my hand begins which lasts for up to a minute. I’m writhing on the ground in pain and boom. The fireball shoots out and hits the trunk of a nearby tree. It got absolutely obliterated like a lightning bolt hit it. Except there was a bit more fire this time. That’s what we told the fire department when they came to douse the flames. I’m not sure if they believed that on a perfectly clear and sunny day, that a lightning bolt struck a tree and set it ablaze. Eh, it doesn’t matter. No one would have believed the truth. 

You might be wondering, “Yo, narrator, why don’t you become a superhero and fight crime or something.” 

God, I don’t believe I’ve ever heard something so stupid. I am not dressing up in spandex and annihilating some poor bastard who decided to rob the nearest 7-Eleven. I live in rural farm country. All the crimes near me are cow tippers and drunkards. Oh move into the city you say? Cities suck. Plan and simple. They smell, the people suck, no trees, and frankly, I don’t really feel like tearing people a new fiery asshole. I’d be like Taco Bell, but more deadly. 

Hmm, so how do I plan on living the rest of my life with this power? Well there are lots of possibilities for a long and fulfilling life. But what’s holding me back is the gosh darn government and their experiments. Imagine for a second I don’t get kidnapped and we lived in a perfect world. I would go public with it and immediately, I think,  a thousand women would be vying for my attention. I’d be the hottest bachelor around. Literally. Second, I would go on some talk shows and maybe some podcasts talking about it. My Instagram would blow up with millions of followers. I would occasionally post a video of me blowing shit up and having a good time. I don’t know how to make money through Instagram but I’m pretty sure I’d be making lots now that I have millions of followers. If I don’t then I would write a book about this power of mine. I’ll be a number one best seller in no time and then I’d go on more talk shows to talk about my book. So now that money and women are handled for the rest of my life then what would I do? God I have no idea. I’m currently going to college for business but that is useless with all of this. Maybe I’ll go to Africa and raise lions or something. There’s some bravado in that, and lions live a long time so it would take up a good portion of the rest of my life. 

Now what is most likely going to happen? Well the government would take me to some secret lab and lock me in some fire retardant cell. They would stick a syringe in me and knock me out where they would then run tests on me. Heaven forbid they find the secret to this power as they would then make an entire army with fireball powers. Oh god I would have doomed the whole planet! Or they would hire me as a private contractor and send me out to exotic locations. It is here where I would be taking out the military's most wanted enemies. Now that I am thinking about it, I like the sound of that. Even though I just mentioned earlier that I don’t like blowing people up. This is different. Mostly because of the exotic locations. 

If I went public today with this, would the government really kidnap me? With some extra thought, I really don’t think so. Imagine the uproar that would ensue about my sudden disappearance. That would make headlines. I would be a martyr for a revolution. Everyone would rise up demanding justice. Damn that would be awesome. Honestly, I am not seeing a downside to going public anymore. Fuck it, tomorrow I am making a video and will post it to all my social media and to YouTube in order to get the word out. Here comes the money baby!

Alright folks so it is currently tomorrow night. I have posted the video and let me tell you, things have backfired. Lots of people seem to think the videos are edited and fake. Personally, I don’t blame them. If I saw a dude shooting a fireball out of his hands I’d call bullshit too. But even worse, those that believe it are freaking the fuck out. They think I’m the devil or something. I thought this would be cause for celebration but it is only cause for mean comments and devil accusations. Well shit. My family is pretty pissed. They were like “What the hell were you thinking pulling a stunt like this?”. I thought my thought process was pretty sound when it came to the whole money making business; I don’t know, you tell me. But it would appear I have calculated wrong. Now the only thing left to do is wait for the government to come hire me as their number one bounty hunter. Hopefully they will give me a cool outfit and not spandex of all things! If I calculated wrong again and the government kidnaps me, just know I had good intentions and that you should, like, revolt or something. I don’t know, break me out of their lab and free me from wrongful imprisonment. I think that’s a crime. 

More bad news. I am currently in hell at the moment getting tortured. I believe I was shot in the head by a sniper as I was walking out of a Walmart. Damn government assassinated me. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to accept that Jesus was my savior and he died for our sins yadda yadda yadda. So now I’m here, chained up a mile high onto this spire. Lots of fire and shit. The way my hands are angled, I am just shooting fireballs into the air so that doesn’t really help me. I guess this is it for now. Remember to start a revolution and stuff. Till next time.