You'll Get Used to It

“Is that a dragon?” It seemed strange to see such a sight standing before me, but when smoke sprayed down the street, I knew what I saw was in fact the winged beast from fantasy stories.

“Oh that...” Paul glanced once at the towering threat then turned back to me. “Yeah, that’s Steve. Don’t mind him, he’s been here longer than my father. Now, if you want to see a real attraction, check out the pub down the block. They serve the greasiest, most delicious fries, and the only price is a potential heart attack.”

“I’m sorry, but there’s a dragon living in the neighborhood.” I gestured to the trail of flames funneling through one of the houses. “I didn’t even know they existed, and now, you want me to live next to one?”

“You’ll get used to it.” Paul adjusted his green tie before motioning for me to follow him. For a real-estate agent, he sure moved fast from one place to the next, and I had to jog to keep up with him. “Now, what makes this town so special is that you get neighborhood credit from maintaining a beautiful exterior which can be used to purchase food and items at the local convenience store. You said you have three kids; well, if you put them to work in your front yard, you can start making money off them legally instead of hacking into their bank accounts like I do.”

“I read your pamphlet.” Glancing back down at the paper he’d handed me when I’d first shown interest in the house, I realized I could see Steve in the background of one of the photos, and I wonder how I’d missed him. “My main concern with this place is primarily the spacing... and now that I see the dragon, the safety.”

“Well, the homeowner’s association is pretty lenient with what you do with back half of your house. Many residents have added pool, decks, and porches to give their kids extra space to play.” Paul flashed me a smile that both seemed sincere and shallow. “As for safety, there is a neighborhood watch, and the police station is only ten minutes away. Compared to the last two neighborhoods you’ve looked at, this one has the lowest crime rate.”

“And what about the dragon?” I looked back at the beast, perched in the middle of an intersection. “Does it eat people?”

“Sometimes, but only if they provoke it. Honestly, most residents haven’t reported any problems with it, but if you want to add extra precautions to your insurance, I can get you a great deal.”

“I’m simply concerned that it might crash into our house and crush us all to death.”

“First of all,” Paul rapped his knuckles against his clipboard, “the houses in this neighborhood are study as a rock. Not even a tornado could take them down much less a dragon. Second of all... we’ve only had a few instances of Steve smashing through buildings. Third and most important, most people are too thin for a dragon’s liking. Steeve may go after cattle, but around here, he mostly just snorts and snores and sleeps.”

“And when he’s awake, what happens then?” I asked.

“Depends on how much meat the person closest to him has.” Paul pointed to bones beneath the dragon. “In this case, he’s already eaten for the day, but you’ll get used to looking for the signs. Honestly, I don’t know why you’re making such a fuss about this dragon.”

“Well, howdy Paul!” A couple out for a stroll waved at us. “You trying to sell Old Johnson’s house?”

“Well, you know how I hate to see good accommodations go to waste.” Paul swung a slender arm around my shoulder. “This gentleman here says he might be interested but is a little put off by the dragon.”

“Dragon...?” The couple exchanged confused glances before turning back to us. “Oh, you mean Steve. Yes, he can be quite the sight, but after a few months you’ve seen all there is to see about him.”

“But he’s a dragon!” I exclaimed. “How are you not scared? How can you not run for your lives? And why is his name Steve?”

“Well, when we were giving directions to our houses, it was easier if the dragon had a name, and it was either Steve or Mohammed.”

“I guess, Steve is the better option.” I glanced again at the dragon, noticing how it swiped at cars, but instead of being caught in Steve's claws, the drivers simply accelerated past the scales. “Has he ever troubled you?”

“Well, once he blocked off the road, but outside of making us late for work, no.” They shrugged. “A few people have brought forward petitions to replace the dragon with a dinosaur, but most who live here dislike change. Besides, if we did replace Steve, we’d have to have a neighborhood meeting to decide on a new name and transportation. Honestly, it’s not worth the hassle, but if you’ve got a week of free time, it doesn’t matter to us if Steve stays.”

“You see, welcoming neighbors who’ll let you change the neighborhood to your liking. Now, that is a hard find.” Paul nudged me with his elbow. “Anyway, we should get going, there’s one last thing I need to show you... the wine cellar.”

“My wife loves wine.” I grinned. “We actually have this little game where I...”

“That’s amazing!” Paul patted me on the back in a manner that felt encouraging but also made me shut up. “Now, for the price, we usually sell these for a little over a million, but if you can get one of the neighbors to vouch for you at the upcoming meeting, we can lower the price to nine-hundred. It’s a policy we call...”

“Birds of a feather flock together. No, I actually know a person here who told me about it, Trent Merriweather.”

“Ah, Mr. Merriweather, a delightful fella.”

“Yes, although he did not mention the dragon, Steve.”

“Well, did he also exclude that the garbage trucks on Wednesday wake up anyone who wants to sleep past noon?” Paul raised an eyebrow. “It’s natural to want to neglect the less desirable parts of your surroundings, but I assure you that you will come to love this place as much as Trey does.”

“Trent...”

“Right.” We walked up to a wonderful white picket fence, and using a key, Paul unlocked the gate. Venturing inside the backyard, I saw the wonderful green spread populated with tiny dots of yellow and red. “Are you a fan of gardening? Call me crazy but the flowers here bloom brighter than anywhere else.”

“So, I see.” I smiled, and we arrived at two wooden doors imbedded into the side of the house. “After you.”

“Thank you.” He pulled open the doors and swaggered down the steps. I followed but not after glancing over to Steve who had settled down next to the community pool.

“Are there any other complaints I should know about?” I hopped down the damp stairs and into the dim cellar. There I saw shelves upon shelves of space to store our wine, but near the back, I spotted a few oddly shaped balls. Creeping towards them, I realized their outsides were not made of rubber but scales. “Are these eggs?”

“Just one of many perks.” Paul perked up at the mention of them. “Every month or so, Steve lays a batch, and the neighborhood association distributes them out to the residents. We keep them down here to preserve them, but they make a mean omelet.”

“My kids don’t like omelets.”

“More into scrambled eggs?” Paul asked. “I can vibe with that.”

“Actually, they like sunny side up.”

“Oh.” Paul’s smile quickly soured. “You didn’t tell me you were raising masochists.”

“Not a fan?”

“Let's just say I had a traumatic experience a few years ago.” Paul shook his head. “And let's just say a little more that I have an unfortunate allergy to sunny side up eggs. All the others type are good, though.”

“I think my cousin had that condition. Didn’t know it was so common.”

“Well, in fact it’s very common,” Paul took a defensive stance, but I didn’t press him.

“Did the last residents say why they moved?”

“Eaten.” Paul corrected. “They were eaten.”

“By the dragon?”

“Only their cat, Fluffy. The family died when they went on a safari and ventured out to pet some lions.”

“I tried that once but turned out it was just a mirage,” I confessed.

“Well, better luck next time.”

“Thanks.” I tapped on the wood, checking for any sign of termites. “Is there anything else I need to know?”

“Yes, the community is considering putting a gate around the neighborhood, and if that goes through, the house could double in value in the coming year.”

“So, the resell value should be much higher.” We climbed out of the cellar and sauntered around to the front of the house. To our left a couple was pushing a stroller, to the right, a set of dark clouds crept towards us, to our backs Steve was cleaning its claws, and in front of us, my future home sat. Well, it wasn’t mine yet, but I had a gut feeling I could get Paul to drop the price a little lower. “I don’t know. It still seems a little high, and my wife was really set on a house with a larger kitchen.”

“Well, maybe this is the feminist in me talking, but there’s more to a woman’s life that the kitchen.” Paul raised an eyebrow. “I’ll give you the paperwork, and if there’s a problem, you have my number. Call me anytime you like... I might not answer, but I’ll eagerly await a voicemail.”

“Can’t I text you? Calling gives me anxiety.”

“Truly, a tedious task.” Paul nodded, understandingly. “Hope to hear from you soon.”

“It’s a really nice house. I marveled again at the three-story structure. While there were certainly complaints with the design, lack of garage space, and a few rough patches with the neighborhood, I could easily see my family staying here. “Thank you for the tour.”

“Anytime... you...” He smiled, clearly forgetting my name, and as a massive, scaly shadow lurched off the ground and flew over the house, I realized my biggest problem with the residency was its realtor. However, even his disingenuous hair and greasy words could not hide what a steal this house was for me, and stepping into my car, I drove away.

Glancing at my rearview mirror, I spotted the dark clouds in hot pursuit and prayed they would not catch me. Unfortunately, in my haste to hurry home, I forgot I had to pick up my youngest, Jeremy, from camp. While a part of me wanted to use this chance to teach him how to survive a neglectful father, the rest of me knew I would not survive a vengeful wife and turned around to pick him up.

“How was the house?” He asked when I pulled the car to a stop.

“You’ll see it for yourself if we move in there. Do you really want me to spoil the surprise?” I asked.

“Uh, if it’s a bad surprise then yeah,” Jeremy argued.

“Well played sir,” I sighed and spun the wheel. Lightning cackled overhead, and rain rippled along the road. When we reached the apartment building where we lived, we found my other son and daughter waiting for us.

“Adventurous day?” I asked my daughter who was on the same couch as when I left.

“It was; I moved all the way from over there.” She pointed to the adjacent couch cushion which still had her butt-print on it. “Are we finally moving?"

“We’ll be moving; it's unclear if you can.” Jeremy joked.

“If you were just a little bit closer, you’d regret that.” She narrowed her eyes.

“Are we moving though?” My other son asked. “I posted a status update that implied we were, so we have to go somewhere.”

“We’ll I’d hate to inconvenience your online life for the sake of your real one.” I rolled my eyes. “Is mom here?”

“I heard her crying in the kitchen earlier.” My daughter told me. “I tried to comfort her, but that was a whole room away.”

“Oh dear.” Leaving my kids behind in the living room, I ran into the kitchen and found my wife bare feet and hunched over on one of the dining room chairs. “Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not okay.” She lifted her foot revealing the tiniest of red marks on her pinky toe. “I stubbed my foot on a corner, and it really, really hurt.”

“You poor thing.” I ran to the closet to retrieve her footbath, and after she was relieved, I sat down across from her. In addition to bringing home the bread... and other groceries, I prided myself on being very attune to my wife’s needs. “How was work?”

“I successfully negotiated a five percent raise. So, our options for housing should go up.”

“Fantastic. The one I just toured seems to fit all our needs.”

“Was this the one Mr. Merriweather recommended.” My wife’s face scrunched up. “Forgive me for being skeptical, but I feel he only told us about the listing was so he could go through our trash.”

“Well, he’s going to go through our trash no matter where we move,” I reasoned. “At least, this way we don’t inconvenience him with a long drive.”

“That’s so thoughtful of you.” She smiled, and I told her about the rest of the house. By the end, she seemed rather entertained by the house but agreed to my plan. That night, we messaged Paul that we wanted to take the kids through the house before we made our final decision, and the following week, we returned to the neighborhood.

There, Paul met us in a suit that seemed to blend into his dark hair, and when he smiled, I thought I saw fangs in the corners of his mouth. Entering through the front door, he gave the kids the tours of their would-be rooms and then led us through the cramped kitchen and into the spacious living room. “I hope this has been satisfying, but if not, no worries. I got another couple planning to see this house tomorrow, although... I do fear they might be squatters.”

“No, need. We do want this house.” My wife eyed the kids. “We’re going to talk about price for a bit. If you’re bored, check out the backyard...”

They were gone before she finished her sentence, and the only remnant of our kids was the echo of the back door swinging shut. Thankfully, that also meant they wouldn’t interfere with us as we cornered the real estate agent.

“We do want this house, but I’m not going to lie to you.” I patted Paul on the shoulder before preparing my next lie. “My wife did not get the raise she was counting on, and our price range has dropped slightly. Unless we want to be working until we’re seventy-five, we can’t afford this.”

“Well, retirement is overrated.” He shrugged.

“What I think my husband is trying to say is that we would be able to take this if the price was just a bit lower. Now, I know you’ve lowered it as much as any man can, and we are asking for a miracle. However, we really want this house.” My wife batted her eyes. “If we could buy it for eight hundred, it would mean the world to us.”

“I’m sorry but I can’t lower it anymore. It’s company policy.”

“So, you can’t lower this price below nine hundred?” She turned to me and sighed. “I’m sorry, Honey. You were right. You did get him to go as low as he could.”

“I told you: no one can sweet talk a realtor like me.” I smiled.

“Wait, wait, what?” Paul’s grinned turned to a growl. “You didn’t sweet talk me. I’m sweet talking you.”

“I mean, we started well above a million, and now, we’re down to the minimum.” I shrugged. “But sure, you sweet talked me.”

“No, no, no, I put the price higher so you would think that we’d reached the minimum when were still well away...” Paul stopped suddenly, realizing the trap too late, and we pounced on him.

“So, you can go lower than nine hundred,” My wife chuckled.

“A decent bit, but the eight hundred did seem genuine since he didn’t try to massage it,” I added. “I’d say we could make an offer around eight hundred and fifty.”

“No, we’ll do eight thirty.” She suggested. “And that’s our final offer.”

“I can’t do eight thirty.” Paul scowled. “Eight fifty is my final price.

“Eight forty.”

“Eight forty-five.” He countered.

“Is that good enough for you?” I turned to my wife, and she kissed me.

“Perfect.”

“We’ll take it.” Victory flooded the house, but as Paul retrieved the papers from his briefcase, a scream erupted from the backyard.

Panic pierced through me, and I dashed for the door. Flinging it open, I raced outside to find my kids unharmed, but their experiences looked as though they’d had their insides ripped out of them.

“What happened?”

“We were just playing, but then...” Jeremy pointed to the sky, and I saw a mighty shadow swimming through the sea of clouds.

“Oh, shoot, amongst all this price dealings I forgot about Steve.” I cringed.

“Who is Steve?” My wife watched as the winged beast descended from the sky and landed in the nearby intersection. “And that’s... that’s... a dragon.”

“Yes, yes, it is.” I nodded. “I know it’s dangerous, but don’t worry... you’ll get used to it.”