Damian sat with his legs dangling over the edge of the rocking deck of the ship, holding onto the lower rung of the metal railing and gazing at the horizon. The waning sunset was a blaze of glorious color, the drifting clouds purple against the red western sky, with the swells of the Atlantic ocean sapphire-blue beneath. The old adage red sky at night, sailorβs delight bobbed to the surface of his thoughts.
As stars materialized in the darkling eastern sky, Damian headed below deck, occasionally steadying himself with the rails lining the narrow hallways and stairs of the Jacques-Yves Cousteau. If the weather stayed clear, both of his parents would be busy tomorrow. He'd left them doing their preparation checks to watch the sunset before going to bed.
When he reached his deck, something was wrong. The hallway beyond the stairs was dark; the overhead lights werenβt even flickering. Strange. Too bad he didnβt have a flashlight with him.
Running a hand along the wall, Damian counted doors until he reached the cabin he was sharing with his mom. He left the door open as he went in, but it didn't help. The light from the stairwell didnβt reach this far, and the walls were devoid of windows.
Envisioning his path to the drawers under the lower bunk, he fumbled forward, intending to find his headlampβuntil the ship pitched, and his shin slammed into something. Damian staggered a few steps, then doubled over in pain, groaning and hissing through his teeth, blind in the dark.
Something clammy wrapped around his bare ankle.
βYAAAGH!β He jumped, collided with something hard, and fell to the floor. Footsteps approached in the hallway, and a light flashed in his face.
βYou okay?β The light pointed down, and he could see who was holding it. Nicholas Bradshaw, Dadβs friend. An octopus scientistβwhat was the word Dad used? Teuthologist. His brown beard looked like a pirate captainβs. βWhat happened?β
Rubbing his head, the teenager said, βSomething grabbed my ankle.β
Nicholas knelt beside the bunks, his flashlight playing across the drawers. One was open, and something red was hanging out of it. The red thing squirmed in the light.
βThere you are!β he exclaimed, pulling the drawer farther open. βHere's the monster under your bed!β he said, glancing at Damian with a grin.
Damian peered over the burly manβs shoulder. At first, he couldnβt comprehend what he was seeing. A writhing, slithering mass of thick, red tendrils spotted with white flowed around the inside of the drawer. Then a bulbous head that looked as big as his own reared up. An octopus. He shuddered and took a step back. βWhat a monster!β
βKrakenβs a big guy, but heβs hardly a monster. Heβs not even full-grown yet.β Nicholas began gathering the octopus into a bundle, scooping its tentacles together even as they spilled out like water. Frustrated after several fruitless attempts to corral it with one hand, he looked up at Damian and held out the flashlight. βWould you mind helping me?β
Damian took it, and watched as his dadβs friend lifted the octopus into the air, higher and higher. The snaking appendages with their constellation-like pattern of white spots seemed never-ending. It had to be at least a yard long.
βFollow me,β Nicholas grunted, still trying to cradle all of the arms as he went out the door.
Damian complied, pointing the flashlight around and ahead of the teuthologist and his charge. Walking along the hall, he noticed a wet trail on the floor.
Finally, Nicholas turned aside through an open door, into a room with a large fish tank on a low table. There were no fish swimming in it.
βCould you take the lid off? Andββ the man clutched at the octopusβKrakenβas it oozed out of his arms. βSorry, heβs a handful. Will you help me put him back into the tank?β
Damian lifted the lid and set it on a table. He put the flashlight down, balancing it on its thick handle so it pointed at the ceiling. He didnβt want to touch the octopus, but it probably wasnβt good for it to be out like this if it lived in the water. He came close, hesitantly stretching his hands out. Would he hurt it?
βIβll hold his mantle, you support his legs, okay? Donβt squeeze them.β
Damian tried not to flinch as the undulating arms came in contact with his skin. They felt strange. Soft but strong as they wrapped around his own arms, the suckers tickling slightly.
βIn we go!β Nicholas heaved the floppy head up and over the edge of the aquarium, Damian just a little slower on his end. The octopus sank slowly to the bottom, arms outspread. It was a dark, saturated shade of red, with white spots swirling across its body like living stars. As Damian watched, the red changed, turning paler, with more orange in it, like the sky before heβd come below. Kraken was less startling now, and didnβt seem so monstrous. Onlyβ¦different. Not the same as him.
βPhew! Thanks for your help.β Nicholas replaced the lid. βYouβre Damian, right? Robertoβs kid?β
βYeah.β Flipping a light switch up and down, Damian asked, βWhy do you think the powerβs out?β
Nicholas grinned. βKraken did it.β
βWhat?! How?β
βSee that tube there, coming out the bottom of his head? Thatβs his siphon. He squirts water out of it to swim, but he can also squirt it into the air. Look.β Nicholas grabbed the flashlight and pointed it up at the light fixtures, then down at the floor. Damian could see the puddle beneath.
βHeβs done it before,β Nicholas continued, βbut I thought Iβd outsmarted him with the tank lid this time. I guess I didnβt.β He put the top back on the aquarium. βAre you helping your parents with the ROVs?β
βNo. Iβm not eighteen yet, so some other people donβt want me on the back deck. They think Iβll just be in the way during the deployments and retrievals.β He watched Kraken stream out of sight under a rock in the tank.
"Would you be interested in helping me take care of Kraken? More people engaging with him will keep him from getting bored, and then he'll hopefully stop looking for his own fun."
"Sure. I wouldn't mind."
From the way Damian was staring, mesmerized, at Kraken, Nicholas had an inkling that the Callistoctopus macropus would be getting a lot more attention in the near future.
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Hey friend. I enjoyed reading this through. I thought it was nice, and Kraken was a great addition. All the imagery on the octopus was vivid and it sounds like you know your stuff.
There were two details that I really liked - I thought they added a lot to the story
-'An octopus scientistβwhat was the word Dad used? Teuthologist.'
-'The snaking appendages with their constellation-like pattern of white spots seemed never-ending.'
those stood out for me
Some feedback, while I think prose wise this is a nice story, a definite highlight in terms of your writing style and imagery, I was waiting for more. Something...bigger to happen? It's all so straightforward and to the point as it is, dialed down to 3 beats. I agree with Graham's comment. Something to up the adventure would be nice - I like the characters you built, and you should put them in some sort of tough situation to see how it builds.
All the best π
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Iβm glad you enjoyed the octopus imagery. I did do research, though I didnβt put nearly as much as I learned into the story. I would like to include more facts in a future installment.
I wanted to use the word βteuthologistβ somewhere in the story, and explain what it meant, but didnβt want it to be awkward. I am very thankful for the way that sentence turned out.
I did realize after this was approved that there was no conflict and no resolution. I did originally have an element of conflict, but whilst killing my darlings I unwittingly edited the conflict out. I do want to write more about these characters and their expedition.
Thank you very much for your feedback. I always look forward to your comments.
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I love that the octopus was named Kraken! I used to work with octopus, actually. They are so clever (our escaped its tank several times)
The story was really sweet and fun, but I almost wish you would have taken a fantasy direction with it! Still, quite enjoyable :) good job!
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Wow, Hannah! Thatβs amazing! Where did you work with an octopus?
I love to read old myths and legends, and I thought it would add to the theme of the story to name the octopus Kraken.
One myth that Iβve heard is from the indigenous peoples of the Northwest. It says that the blackfish (orcas) have cities under the sea, and have human forms. People who drown go to live with them. I could build off of this idea for a more fantastic future story.
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I worked at a Science Museum for a few years :) we had an octopus who escaped into the back of the aquarium and was just moving along down the hallway when we found him. He had pushed the lid off his tank, we had to start putting weights on top
Oh that is a beautiful thought! I think you should definitely pursue a story with that legend in mind!
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βmaterialized in the darkling eastern sky,β darkening?
βAn octopus scientist,β for a second I was picturing an octopus in a lab coat.
Interesting. I was waiting for something else to happen here. It feels like the start of a story, an adventure with the scientist, or a disaster with the ship. Feels like you need to write the sequel to give us something that was hinted at with the energy at the start.
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"Darkling" is a word with a meaning similar to "darkening". J. R. R. Tolkien used it in The Lord of the Rings, though that's not the only place I've read it.
I laughed when you said you pictured an octopus in a lab coat. It made me think of Dave from the animated Penguins of Madagascar movie.
I did have a conflict element when I started writing this story, but as I edited and killed my darlings, I thought it didn't contribute. I didn't think of the fact that without that element, the story could have no resolution.
I do have ideas for continuing this story, though I hadn't thought of a disaster. With your and Hannah Simmons' suggestions, my imagination is churningβ¦
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate them.
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I look forward to the results of your churning imagination.
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I just saw that the story got approved. You don't have to respond to this right away, but I would still appreciate feedback for future reference.
Hi, Graham. I donβt want to bother you, but if you have time, I have a question.
In the opening lines of my new story, βBeat You with a Shovel,β I am unsure what to write. Here is the current passage:
[No matter where we are, Uncle Julio always ends up the center of attention. Heβs not trying to be the center of attention, yet it happens all the same.]
I am unsure of using the phrase [the center of attention] twice in a row like this. I am contemplating changing it to
{No matter where we are, Uncle Julio always ends up the center of attention. Heβs not trying to, but it happens all the same.}
I could add {be} after [to]
({To be} or not {to be}? That is the question. Haha)
Which of these versions do you think reads better? Do you have a different wording that you think would read better?
Thank you in advance for any feedback.
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I think the second version works better. You could use limelight to refer to being the center of attention.
No matter where we are, Uncle Julio always ends up stealing the limelight. Heβs not trying to be the center of attention, yet it happens all the same
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Thank you very much for the quick feedback, Graham. I very much appreciate it. The story was approved before I could make any changes, but I will be editing my personal copy. Again, thank you. I never thought of using the word limelight!
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Critiques and suggestions are appreciated.
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