Seggs Head

“Dad, where are you?” asked Natalie hoping she had everyone’s undivided attention immediately.

“Hey Sweetie, I’m in the study. I’m on a call, I’ll come through for dinner soon.” said Keith knowing this won’t be well received by his daughter or long suffering wife.

“No worries, I have sooo much to tell you. So where was I, Mum?”

“You were telling me about the greatest lesson you’ve ever had.” said Becky hoping her daughter stops talking at some point.

“Oh yeah! It was amazing! So you know we’ve started learning about y’know boy and girl rude stuff?”

“Sex Education? And it’s not rude it’s natural, it’s science!” assured Becky.

“Yeah, that’s it! Although we call it Seggs Head when we want to discuss it without the teachers finding out.” whispered Natalie.

“Does that work as it sounds pretty close to the actual words?” asked Becky.

“Yeah, but we’ve only had two lessons so Mr Taylor might bust our asses in the end.”

“We really need to limit your Tik Tok before your language goes full gangster.”

“Oh Mum, you’re so old! Get with it!”

“Nat, lose the sass and tell me about your lesson please!”

“Riiight! So we started learning about girl parts and their names. The teachers asked all of us, boys and girls what they were called and we kept giggling. Daniel called the vulva a Volvo and Patrick thought the fallopian tubes were called floppy tubes.”

“Hahaha!”

“Hehe! I know!! It was so cringe, I was literally crying until my sides hurt.”

“They did correct the boys though, right?”

“Oh yeah and then hehe we watched this video. Oh buckle up, Mum.”

“What’s this?”, a deeper voice interrupted their jollity. 

“Just in time, Dad! I’m telling Mum about my Sex Ed lesson”

“Oh, is that the phone?” he said, before he could think of another excuse.

“No! Keith, sit down and listen about your daughter’s day.”

“Beck’s, I’m kidding! I can’t wait to hear this. Off you go, Nat.” Keith could feel his wife’s eyes burning into the side of his face.

“Yeah so like we talked about girl y’know parts and then they started this video. It had a girl my age in her bedroom trying on a bra for the first time. She was struggling to put it over her head as her older sister walks in and asks her what she’s doing. She holds up her bra. The older sister nods and says “Well, y’know what we need to do? We need to have a bra party!””

“Bra Party? What on Earth is that?” asked Mum.

“Sounds like fun!” said Dad with a cheeky look on his face.

“Oh Daddy! Well Mum, its so much fun. Basically, it involves jumping up and down in the air in your underwear whilst spinning your bra over your head!!”

“For how long?” asked Becky genuinely making some mental notes for later.

“Oh it gets better, Mum. Because after the two sisters are jumping up and down in their pants spinning their bra screaming “WOOHOOO!!!” in walks their baby sister. They stop jumping and stare at her for like five seconds, then the sisters stare at each other, smile and…”

“They all jump in the air swinging  their bras even the baby?” 

“Yes Mum! Except the baby sister is on the bed bouncing up and down screaming “WHOOP!” in her ickle baby voice. It was sooo cute!” Natalie’s went squeaky as she remembered how cute the baby sister was.

“I can’t wait to hear the boy’s version of this!” Keith was finding this whole discussion very funny.

“I don’t think there is one, Dad!”

“Yeah honey a video with boys swinging their pants would be odd!” said Becky rolling her eyes at her husband’s constant daft comments.

“True, so did the video have a message or was it just to boogie in your bra?” asked Keith.

“I’m not finished, the best is yet to come!” 

“God! Was it a movie? Coming soon to IMAX – Bra Party!! Get ready to swing ‘em ladies!!” interrupted Keith with his deep voiceover tones.

“Keith, don’t be silly!” Becky slapped Keith’s arm to try and get him to take it more seriously.

“Silly Daddy! So yeah the sisters are all swinging their bras and out of nowhere in walks their Mum. She stops in the doorway and says in a really deep voice “What’s going on here?” The sisters look like they think they’re in trouble and the little baby says “Bra Party, Mama!” The Mum looks really confused and then says “Without me?” Everyone bursts out laughing and then the cool music kicks in and we see the whole family including the Mum in her pants all swinging their bras over the heads screaming “WOOHOO YEAH BRAS!” in slow motion.”

“Wow! Sex Ed has changed since my time at school. I bet the Dad in that video walked into the house, heard the WOOHOOs and thought “Bra party!” and went out again.” nodded Keith to himself.

“It sounded like a lovely video, sweetie.” reassured Becky ignoring her husband.

“Oh there’s more!” said Natalie enthusiastically.

“Really?” Keith was losing the will to live.

“Yeah, after lunch we started talking about nocturnal erections.” said Natalie proudly.

“Wha? K!?” Becky’s mind was blown.

“I think Mummy is malfunctioning, Nat. I thought nocturnal erections are when you get the builders in overnight.”

“Noooo, it’s all about boys and their magic winkles.”

“Blimey! It’s gone hardcore.”

“Seriously Dad! This video was called Wet Dreams and a boy called Leroy woke up one morning and he’d wet the bed.”

“You used to do that, Nat!”

“Not like this Dad! What happens is the penis goes hard for protection and a bit of wee and white sticky stuff comes out.”

“Hard for protection? Protection from what?”

“Not sure. Ghosts maybe? I think boxers use it quite a lot.”

“That’s a boxing match I’d like to see!” said Becky having thawed her brain out enough to speak again.

“Welcome back Mummy! You’re being silly now.”

“So what’s this magical white sticky stuff? Is it marshmallow?” asked Keith innocently.

“Not sure Dad, they didn’t go into all the detail but it was called Simon or something. The video said “there’s Simon all over the bed sheets!” Why are you both laughing?”

“It’s nothing, sweetie. I think Simon stains are tricky things to get rid of.” chuckled Becky.

“Tell me about it! Leroy’s parents found out and he had to have a shower to wash his bits whilst they changed his sheets. Don’t worry, we didn’t see anything!”

“Okay, I did wonder how x rated this was getting!” Keith wiped his brow out of relief.

“Well, you have learnt a lot today maybe too much!” said Becky putting on her fake authoritative parent voice.

“Oh I’m not done, we had one more mini lesson about boy and girl hygiene.”

“After the pandemic I think you’ve mastered hygiene, you’d get an A in that.” Becky immediately took a squirt of sanitizer to prove his point.

“This isn’t just your hands, Mum. This is y’know like everywhere! Face, pits, boobs, nips, binky, bum and legs.”

“That sounds like the weirdest gym class!” Keith couldn’t resist a joke.

“Oh shut up Keith!” said Becky who’d had enough of his nonsense.

“Sorry Becks, this is too much! So what kind of PG rated video did they show on boys and girls cleaning their winkles and binkies?” asked Keith.

“It was pretty graphic but was all cartoon boy and girl bits. We were calling them Tinky Winkies and Dipsies in the lesson”

“So you’ll cover the Lala and Po tomorrow?” said Keith knowing it was a joke worth getting stick for.

“Hahahaha! Nice one Dad!!” laughed Natalie.

“That was pretty funny for you, Keith.” conceded Becky knowing she might not live that down.

“Thanks Becks, I forget you were the funny one – not!” Keith blew a raspberry at his wife.

“Well it sounds like you’ve learnt a lot today and I’m glad you’ve been able to educate your Dad and I about this.” one final jab from Becky towards her annoying soulmate.

“You’re welcome! Although…” began Natalie.

“What is it honey?” asked Becky.

“There is one more thing I’d like to do tied to what I’ve learnt today!”

“Oh dear! I’ll get the bras.” Becky went upstairs to grab them realising she hadn’t put anything on for dinner yet.

“Just remember sweetie, this is NOT FOR TIK TOK!” reminded Keith knowing he didn’t want a repeat of “Shower-gate”.

“Totally! Woohoo! Thanks Dad!”