The Parrot's Shanty

On the cobalt wave, the Rugged Seadog ventured. Much like any pirate ship, this ship was bound for land ho and hidden treasure. The fearless captain at its helm. With compass in hand, he hollered to his men, using all the appropriate pirate commands, absolving his pirate vocabulary with words like “Portside” and “Starboard.” In all honesty Captain Shanty Bim didn’t have the slightest clue where they were going. You see, he had a terrible sense of direction. In fact, he couldn’t fathom how anyone could tell where in the coral blazes they were going in the wide ocean. The waves seem to ripple as far as the eye could see in every direction. Maybe to the edge of the earth.

With a furrowed brow he looked at his treasure map. Saving face with his loyal men, he issued commands as if he knew how to read the thing. He had received this map from his father. Davy Jones, take his soul, for his late father was now sailing the river of Styx. Before he died, he hid his fortune from the Pirate Revenue Service to evade paying taxes on it but left this mortal coil before he could retrieve it. Now it was up to the legendary Captain Shanty and his crew to find his Father’s Legacy! A legendary quest for a legendary Captain, or at least he would be legendary if he discovered where in the seven seas they were. He could practically feel the gold clinking on his teeth. That fortune would be his. Well mostly, the crew would take ten percent, and he did promise the Uncommonly Smart Parrot 1 gold coin. Speaking of, where was that bird?

Puffin, was an uncommonly smart parrot. Some would say the Smartest Parrot on the Planet, or at least Puffin would. He sat perched on the ship’s mast. Like the real hero of this story. His eyes and body pointed to 315 degrees due to Northwest. Or at least he tried too, if only that buffoon of an inexperienced captain would stop turning the dang ship left. (Puffin didn’t know sailing terms.)

“Shanty is going the wrong way again. What would he do without me?” Puffin reflected. “Could he not even read a compass?”

The parrot dismounted from his post. He flew to the ship’s stern and whistled as he flew over the cobalt waves in the direction of Northwest. It was time to get this ship back on track and earn Puffin his gold piece.

Shanty Bim took notice of the uncommonly smart parrot’s signal. Puffin’s vibrant red feathers were easy to spot in the sky. “Well, it’s about time he started earning his gold piece.” the captain said to himself before issuing commands to the crew, redirecting them towards treasure island and the eventual Land ho.

Puffin, like most heroes, was singing a little song in his head. Just a simple one. It went something like, “Puffin is a hero. Puffin is a Hero. They’d be lost without me. They’d be lost without me….” Okay, so it was not exactly the most creative song. Puffin was uncommonly smart, but that didn’t make him Mozart.

Wait! What was that?! Just under the water! Puffin darted wildly to the right and dropped in altitude. But when he got a closer look, he saw nothing of importance.

“Oh drats, must’ve just been the way the sun hit the water. Darn Luminescent Phenomena strikes again!” He shouted, circling the spot where he could have sworn, he saw something shiny. Now what was he doing?

“Drop anchor!” Puffin heard Captain Shanty crow to his men.

“AAAARaaah! Drop the Anchor!!! Drop the Anchor” Puffin repeated impulsively in sing song with that gosh darn awful primal squall. The bird could feel the familiar sting of embarrassment running down his back. A consequence of his compulsive outburst. The familiar splashing sound of an anchor hitting the cobalt waves and falling to the ocean floor, further cemented this embarrassment.

“What gives Cap’n?” One of the seamen said.

Another asked, “There be treasure here?”

Still another said, “The Cap’n is lost!”

As panic began to break out on the deck, The legendary Captain Shanty looked at the colorful bird for an explanation. Now seated on the mast again, the bird simply shrugged and turned his back embarrassed that he led them astray. Next the captain looked down at waves lapping the hull. A smile full of guile began to curl on his face as he said, “Aye mateys, ne’er you fret. Ne’er you fret. We’ll be coming around the island t’morrah. I spotted some marlins with my keen spyglass eyes in this here wat’rrr. It occurrrrred to me that it was high time we caught ‘em. And cooked ‘em. And ate ‘em with my best mates and crew of this here ocean blue.”

The seamen hooted and hollered in unison when they also noticed the marlin skimming on the top of water. Then they got to work catching the fish. On this night they feasted. The day was saved by the captain’s quick wit. Best of all, the crew had no idea that they had been getting their directions from an uncommonly smart parrot or that their dear captain didn’t know how to read a compass. That is not where the story ends though. There’s still gold to be found after all.

Later that night in the captain’s cabin, Puffin nervously perched on potted tree in the corner. Shanty devoured his marlin without a single word to Puffin. That was unusual. Usually Captain Shanty was super talkative, but Puffin The uncommonly smart parrot had an idea why.

After dinner was devoured, Shanty, Puffin’s friend and captain approached the conversation tactfully. “Wherrre in the Sam Hurricane were you going today? You almost made me look like a clownfish out there. Worse than a clownfish. A gosh sterrrn halibut!”

Now naturally, that was a valid question. Puffin was very aware of his mistake and assumed full responsibility for it and said, “AAAARAaahhh, Sam Huricane, Sam Hurricane.” Frustration appeared on the bird’s face as he continued. “Where I was going?! You’d be completely lost without me! You can’t even navigate a simple map. What kind of captain are you?”

“Therrrre’s no need to get nasty.” Pain appeared on his face. “We had a deal. You help me find this there island” he said gesturing to the map “and you get your shiny gold piece. Yurrrr mess up nearly cost me crew today. You need to stay focused.” Pain now replaced by fury.

“Well maybe I need a better deal to help stay focused.” Puffin declared.

“Yurrrrr trying to wring me out arrrre ya?”

“I want to go in as equal partners. You can’t find that gold without me. I want half of the treasure, own half of the Rugged Seadog and all assets there within. What do you say partner? This is just the beginning.”

Captain Shanty couldn’t contain his laughter. A fork flung through the air thrown from his hand and hit the wall of his cabin. Puffin immediately and without thought flew down from his roost to examine it as it glinted in the light and clattered on the floor.

This invoked another hearty laugh from the captain. “Yurrrrr a parrot!!!!”

“Aaaaaraaaahhh!!!!! Yur a parrot! Yur a parrot!”

The captain continued laughing boisterously, and he didn’t stop laughing until he fell asleep that night.

Puffin however was red with anger. Even more red that is. He sat on his roost stewing over the words exchanged between him and Shanty. He couldn’t believe the imbecile captain would reduce him to a simple parrot and belittle his contribution to a single gold coin. It didn’t matter how shiny that coin was. He deserved more, for he was Puffin, The Smartest Parrot on the Planet. With rage in his heart and a song in his head, yes, you know the song, he snatched up the map and ventured out in the night to find the island on his own, vowing to find and take all the treasure. After all, Puffin was the hero, and they would all be lost without him.

There was a storm fostering that night of all nights. The sky was extra turbulent. Puffin was being whipped around by the blustering wind. He found it difficult to get his bearings and even more difficult to hold possession of the stolen map. Hold on he must. He knew the island wasn’t far and didn’t need the map to find it. However he would surely need it once he was on Land ho. Just a little farther.

The island came within view of the parrot’s keen eagle eyes and he would’ve celebrated had it not been for the gusts of wind blowing him around like a whirling leaf. With lightning crackle and boom of thunder, Puffin was startled, and the map was wretched from his grip.

“No!” The bird panted as he flapped his wings desperately struggling against the tempest, but it was no use. There was no way for him to catch the twirling map as it took a different route to the island. Puffin crashed into the water with an expertly executed crash landing belly flop. The cobalt waves were the last thing in his vision.

He awoke the next morning with the sound of crackling fire and flapping. With eyes still closed, his mind depicted explanations for the fluttering, flapping sound. Maybe a flag blowing in the wind? No, it had to be the map! His eyes opened excitedly only to leave him disappointed. Around him, on the sandy beach stood what must’ve been 20 commonly smart parrots around a campfire. Great.

All around him the birds squawked as they foraged and pooped on everything. Those savages. With a campfire going, surely not all these birds are common.

“May I speak to your leader?” Puffin said.

A cacophony of sharp squeals echoed from the beaks of the savages, “AAARaaaah Leader! Leader!” and it was contagious. To his horror Pippin caught himself mimicking them.

“What do you want Outsider?” A grey parrot stepped forward addressing him.

“I am Puffin. An uncommonly smart parrot. The smartest Parrot in the world.” Pippin said summoning every ounce of his humility.

“My name is Heckle, and you are pretty insufferable aren’t you.”

“Insufferable? How so my naïve villager?”

“Hmmmm……you flew out in the middle of a thunderstorm and nearly drowned. I had my friends here…” He gestured to a couple of pelicans that Puffin had failed to notice due to their low IQ levels. “…save you and bring you to my village. Now explain to me, my condescending friend, did any of that seem very smart?”

“Now my friends, I know you wish that I stay and become your new king, but I am on an epic quest. Have any of you seen a map? Oh, forgive me, it’s a big piece of paper with doodles on it. We call it a MMMMAAAP.”

Again, the birds crowed, “AAAARAAAAHHH! MAP! MAP!” Puffin included.

Heckle kept his composure and did not join in.

Looking Riled he said, “We haven’t seen your map, you delusional fool. What can I do to get rid of you. Would you like a shiny coin.”

He held up a glorious gold coin and all eyes were on it. Twisting the coin in the sunlight, Heckle offered it temptingly. Puffin was mesmerized. The way it shimmered and shined. Impulsively he hopped over to it, gradually, two feet at a time, getting ever closer.

Before Puffin could take shining crown from Heckle, he came to his senses. “Wait, where did you get that?”

“This?” Heckle lifted the coin with a talon. The resplendent glimmer drew Puffin and the other’s eyes to it like a magnet. Their heads moving in unison.

Puffin nodded from his trance-like state.

“There are a whole bunch of them in a chest over there.” He pointed to the West with his beak.

Puffin’s greed was immediately recognized by the grey parrot. Seeing an opportunity to rid himself of the Smartest Parrot in the World, the unassuming leader of the savages added, “You can’t miss it, as the crow flies.” He again pointed west this time with an urgent flourish.

Puffin snatched up the single gold piece and flew west with due haste. With so much haste that he failed to gain enough altitude when flying over the campfire on his grand departure. Two of his tail feathers were on fire, but his head was elsewhere.

Having, in his mind, outsmarted the grey parrot, Puffin knew that he only had a limited amount of time before Heckel realized that Puffin meant to take the treasure and would try to stop him. Heckel was nowhere near as smart as Puffin, but Heckel, he had, Puffin could tell, slightly above average intelligence and knew that he wouldn’t be fooled for long.

It was about this time that Puffin noticed the fire. He could feel the heat getting closer traveling up his tail feathers like a candle wick. Luckily the bird knew not to panic. He swerved and barrel rolled in the sky trying to outrun his impending doom. The fire kept getting bigger with each twist and spin. Okay, he was starting to panic. He was going to be burned alive like one of those dodo birds. I believe Shanty called those freaks of nature chickens. They could barely even fly and people ate them for it! It was with great fortune that the Parrot’s distress (and only a little bit of panic) caused him to molt and mass molt at that. He saw his beautiful red feathers trailing him as he soared at the speed of a golden eagle. Around the time he broke the sound barrier, he noticed that he was no longer on fire. It was a good thing that he didn’t panic.

It took him a moment to get back on track, luckily Puffin was an expert navigator. Not that he was ever paid enough for his services, mind you. It didn’t take long to find the treasure chest, exactly where that Heckel said it would be.

The chest was about 50 bird’s feet by 25 and it was just sitting right there in the middle of the clearing. There were no booby traps, no lock on the hatch. Puffin had found it, and it was all his. He had thought himself amazing before, but as he perched on the top of the chest feeling the hard wood of the lid, he couldn’t help but bask in his greatness. That was until two things happened.

1: “AAAARAAAAAHHHH FIRE!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!” 20 voices called out from the savage village from not too far east of him.

The trees were lit ablaze in a line heading directly towards him and black smoke filled the air. A startling thought occurred to Puffin, maybe he hadn’t put out the fire when he broke the sound barrier. Maybe he shed off the burning feathers in his not panic, and now the island was on fire because of him.

2: He had to get out with the treasure fast! The island was going up like a tinderbox. In this moment, Puffin considered something for the first time. He was just a parrot. It was a realization that hit him hard. How was he supposed to get off the island with a chest full of gold? He had found the treasure but still failed. He escaped from becoming super charger fried chicken only to become a Vesuvius victim immortalized forever cuddling his chest of gold as an ash statue.

He was lying on the top of the chest with his wings splayed out and waiting for the end. Then Puffin heard a familiar voice.

“Get the birrrrrrd! Then worrrrry about the Treasurrrrre.” Captain Shanty, the real hero of the story (Puffin admitted it) jumped through the ever-encroaching black smoke and scooped up his bird companion. The two men that he brought grabbed the chest. One man on either side. Puffin didn’t see much as they marched back to the dingy and then to the Rugged Seadog. His eyes were closed the whole way. His little parrot lungs filled with toxic gas. When they got back safe, he tried to apologize to the captain for stealing the map, but only coughs left his beak.

“Rest my friend.” Captain Shanty told him, laying him on his favorite little tree in the Captain Quarters.

The next morning, Puffin woke on a nest made of gold coins. His head jerked left and right trying to look at each shiny gold piece individually. His talons scraped at them. He picked one up and bit down on it.

“What is this? Am I dreaming?”

“It’s yourrrrr harf.” Captain Shanty said from his desk. “Split evenly afterrr we paid the crew.”

Puffin was ashamed. “I don’t deserve this. I don’t even deserve one piece. I’m just a parrot. I stole your map and lost it. I found the treasure, but only after catching the whole island on fire and being unable to escape.

“No, I was wrong. I hirrrred a navigatorrrrr. Afterrrr you left, I had no idea how to find the island. I had no map, but even if I did, it would’ve done no lick of good. It got me thinking, maybe I did undervalue you a bit.”

“But you did find it.” Puffin said glumly.

“All thanks to you. It’s harrrrd to miss an island that’s on firrrre. You found the treasure and you led me to it. Fairrrrr is fairrrr. How ‘bout you consider saying on as my parrrrtner? Therre’s more treasurrrre needing finding.”

It took this misadventure for Puffin and Shanty to acknowledge their own shortcomings and realize that alone, neither of them could have gotten the booty off the island. They only accomplished this by working together. Albeit, in a roundabout way. As it turned out, they had been partners all along.