Maui

Maui

“You can yell, or cry, or throw something, if you want. If you want to cry, let it out. I worry when you hold stuff in. It isn’t good for you.”

Ava looked at Tyler, her face impassive, but her eyes bright, hard. She watched him, sitting there. Of course he wanted her to cry or throw something. That would make him feel better. Then he could dismiss her; he could tell himself ‘yeah, typical woman.’ She wasn’t going to give him that out. Not this time.

It isn’t good for you. A mildly hysterical giggle almost escaped as the thought dug into her brain a bit. Perhaps not, she thought, but then neither is you spending Valentine’s weekend with another woman.

That had been over a week ago. Ava had moved out into an apartment and had been able to keep the pain at bay with frenzied busy-ness for the first couple of days. A few more rum-soaked days passed by with minimal moments of weakness, Moana playing on a loop in the background, and then the pain hit with a vengeance and she took to her bed to try to sleep her way through it.

In the days that followed, she’d cycled through adding and deleting a variety of dating apps on her phone; she’d paused a couple of times on the Facebook ads for psychic artists who would, for $19.95, draw and send you a picture of your soulmate. She mixed rum with every liquid in her kitchen, finally deciding that it was best paired with grape juice and yet another viewing of Moana. And then she picked up her laptop and landed on AirBnB.

Tyler had told her to keep the gas card for awhile- ‘Use it for anything you need.’ And Ava decided, on that eighth day living on her own, that what she needed was to get away. Far away. There were airline miles accumulated on that gas card, and Ava planned on using them. A lot of them. She wasn’t sure where, yet, but that was irrelevant. Ava needed a place to hide and lick her wounds where Tyler couldn’t pop in to ‘see if she was ok.’

As she stared at the homepage, faced with the “where” of this plan, she had no idea. Moana was still keeping her company, so on a whim she typed in “Motunui, Hawaii.” It was, of course, a fictional place, but her search did turn up “Maui,” and she figured that was close enough. In moments, she had booked a last-minute special- an amazing price, really- for a “limited oceanfront view” in the most colorful hotel she’d ever seen pictures of. That, she figured, she would pay for herself so that she couldn’t be found.  Then, feeling a tiny bit petty but a whole lot justified, she bought ridiculously expensive airline tickets (First class? She thought. Absolutely. *Click*) with Tyler’s credit card. 

There. It’s done.

****

Five days later, Ava stepped off a plane in the most gorgeous tropical paradise she had ever laid eyes on. There had been a few bumps along the way, but as she took in that first Maui breath, she decided that her new life was starting right then. She was able to find a cab to take her to Paradise Hotel, and she smiled to herself as she anticipated trying new rum concoctions in a bikini on the beach. The ride was a bit longer than she expected, and the hotel not quite as colorful, but nothing, she determined, was going to get in her way.

She approached the check-in counter of the Paradise, and stood waiting while a frazzled-looking young woman and a cross-looking old man whispered and pointed at something on the computer screen. The man gave the top of the computer a whack, but it didn’t seem to change much as he continued to point and glare at the girl.

“You screwed up, you’ll have to deal with it.” The man turned abruptly and left the girl looking slack-jawed after him.

Ava’s eyebrows raised in curiosity, but lowered quickly when the woman- a girl, really- turned to her and tried to plaster a smile on her face. “Welcome to the Paradise. May I help you?”

Ava gave the girl her reservation information, and was stunned when the girl burst into tears. “Are you ok?”

The girl started apologizing profusely. When Ava was able to understand her, she was stunned. Evidently, the girl had messed up the reservations, and there was no where for Ava to stay for the next four days. The girl had messed up a few reservations, and had called around to find alternate lodgings for everyone. Ava’s, unfortunately, was the last reservation and the girl’d had no success in finding a place for her. As Ava stood there looking at her, the girl turned and ran through a door. 

Ava’s shoulder slumped. Her new life was not starting off as planned. In fact, it was starting off on a very bad foot indeed. She walked over to a chair in the lobby, tears welling up in her eyes. She sat down, then buried her face in her hands. This was God punishing her for leaving Tyler, no matter what he had done that had forced her out. The thought brought on fresh sobs, and in her anguish and self-pity, Ava didn’t even care that she was in public.

A finger tapped her on the shoulder, and Ava raised her eyes to an older woman perched on the edge of the chair next to hers. 

“Honey, are you ok? He’s not worth it, I promise.”

At the woman’s words, Ava’s tears stopped abruptly. “How did you know it was a man?”

“Oh, child. Women only wail like that over a man, and only until they realize he wasn’t worth the anguish.”

Ava’s eyes started leaking again, but as she looked at the woman dressed in the most outlandishly colorful garb she’d ever seen, she realized that the tears weren’t necessarily about Tyler. They were, in fact, about her current roomless situation and the frustration she felt about it. She shared this with the woman and introduced herself.

“Well, Ava, as it happens I haven’t heard a good heartbreak story in awhile, and I have a suite that has an extra bed in it. If you’ll tell me your story, I’ll let you bunk with me for a spell.”

Ava, suddenly embarrassed, stammered and fell back on her deeply-ingrained manners. “Oh, I couldn’t-”

“Now hush, I’m sure that all the other places are booked up. And why not? I’ve been where you are. I figure we can swap a few tales over our favorite poisons and maybe find us some trouble to get up to. Or maybe on to. You like tequila?” The woman, who Ava gauged to be about 65, grinned and Ava couldn’t help but smile back at her.

Suddenly, it seemed like exactly the right thing to do, and Ava laughed. “Rum, actually. And I think I will take you up on it.”

“I’m Nadine,” the woman said as she hopped up with surprising agility. “My friends call me Deenie, and I think you and I will become great friends in short time. Grab your bags, Ava, and I’ll take you to the room.”

A few hours and fruity drinks later, Ava and Deenie were on the beach, and Ava had just finished telling the long, sad story of the love of her life that turned out not to be. Or, she hoped was not going to be. “I’ll admit,” she said wearily, “I’m not sure I will ever trust a man again.”

Deenie took a long sip of her tequila, looking out over the ocean. “You will, Ava. But that isn’t your problem right now.”

Ava looked over at her. “No?”

“No. What I have come to realize, and what you will realize, too, is that you don’t have to trust a man again. That has very little to do with it. The person you need to trust is you. Men, bah..” she growled waving her hand dismissively, then taking another sip of her drink. “Men will be men. And women will be women, actually. But that is neither here nor there- thinking that it matters about all men and all women. It doesn’t. What you learn over time is that you need to be you. And you will be you. Maybe not today, or tomorrow. But it will happen. You’ll learn to be what you need, and you’ll realize it is enough.”

“But Deenie,” Ava half-whined, her voice slurring a bit as she turned to her new friend who seemed to be, in that moment, the smartest woman Ava had ever known, “Deenie I am too young not to be having sex!”

At that, Deenie burst out in wild laughter. “Good heavens, girl! No one said anything about giving up sex!” She laughed and laughed, drank a hefty swig of her tequila, then swung her legs over the side of her chair and faced Ava.

“Listen to me. I am sixty-some years old, and I’ve never enjoyed sex more. It is something you should revel in! It will keep you young!  Now, I know you are still hurting, and I don’t mean to make light of the situation, but there is some truth to the saying ‘the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else’.”

“Nadine!” Ava blushed, embarrassed by her own confession which had brought about the topic.

Deenie laughed again. “As I told you, my heart was broken much like yours when I was a bit older than you. And I got hurt, and I got pitied by my friends, and I got real, real sad. But then, I got myself a lawyer. I got mad. And I got paid. A lot, in fact. So much, that now I make a habit of traveling somewhere new every three months. And I will let you in on a little secret- Every place I have traveled, I’ve taken a new lover.”

Ava’s eyes widened.

“Oh, don’t look so shocked!” Deenie laughed again. Her laughter was deep and rich and alive, and Ava envied her that laugh.

Ava was quiet for a few moments, thinking over everything she’d heard this incredible woman say. She looked up at her, curious. “What about diseases? Are you ever afraid you will get an STD?”

Deenie drained her glass, then answered. “Afraid? No, not really. But I am careful, and I do get myself checked out. I’ll admit, at first I was a little embarrassed when I went to my doctor and had to ‘confess’ to the number of lovers I was entertaining. Oh, I wasn’t having a crazy amount of sex, but I wasn’t married anymore. I didn’t have someone conveniently in my bed every night, and I honestly didn’t want that. But, I was thirty-seven, and I had needs. I still have needs. But I had to get over the stigma of a woman choosing to not have a single partner over the course of her life. I like living on my own. I like doing my own thing, without having to answer to anyone or be responsible for them. I did that once, and it was enough. I genuinely love my freedom. You’ll find your way, Ava. Maybe it will be like mine, maybe it won’t. I’ve never believed in ‘soulmates,’ but I also don’t believe in Catholicism. And maybe you do. The point is, it doesn’t matter what I think, or what that guy over there thinks. You have to learn to trust and believe in you. The hell with others.”

Ava smiled at the woman, and looked out over the ocean. Deenie got up from her chair, made a show of loosening her bikini bottoms from her buttcrack, and grinned. “I believe…” she drew out the word. “I believe I will go get myself another drink. And I believe I will see if that guy over there would like to join me for one.”

Ava laughed as the older woman pulled on a cover-up over her bikini and sauntered over to the tiki-type bar a hundred yards away. She lay back on her chair and looked out over the water, thinking about the past several hours. It seemed like she had known Deenie forever- that they had just lived a lifetime together. She laughed to herself as she thought of the feisty woman leaving a trail of lovers all over the world. She thought briefly of Tyler, then she let the thought go. She adjusted the umbrella over herself a little, then closed her eyes and fell asleep.

The light was beginning to fade when Ava awoke, and she gathered her things and ambled back to the hotel. Deenie wasn’t anywhere in sight, so Ava took a shower, got dressed, and walked down the street to a small restaurant she’d noticed earlier. She enjoyed eating her dinner while she looked out the window to the sun setting over the horizon. For the first time in a long time, she felt relaxed. She felt like she could breathe easily. She realized, with a smile, that she felt good. She laughed out loud at herself, and at Maui, and at the crazy directions life sometimes takes.

Ava slowly walked back to the hotel, enjoying the warmth of the evening and the slight breeze which kissed her bare legs as she walked along. She felt younger, and free, as the light skirt she wore fluttered. As she entered the lobby, her eyes caught those of a good-looking man who was headed toward the hotel bar. He smiled at her appreciatively, and she smiled back as she made her way to the elevator.

She was still smiling to herself when she approached the door to Deenie’s suite. She was fiddling around in her purse, looking for the keycard as she reached the door. As she reached for the handle, she noticed Deenie’s scarf tied around the door handle. Ava laughed out loud at the older woman’s signal, and from within the room she heard a muffled “come back in an hour!” followed by masculine laughter. Ava shook her head, and decided that maybe she would see if the hotel bar contained the first of her lovers waiting all around the world.