Diary of a Delusional Reunionist

January 1 - 6:30 PM

Today is my new beginning. I’ve resolved to not only start taking care of myself, but also to document my progress on a daily basis. More importantly, my thirtieth high school reunion is this year.

You’ll be hearing from me again tomorrow.

April 10 - 3:45 PM

I have to admit that didn’t take like I thought it would. Work’s been crazy and I’ve been laser-focused on that, but as soon as I start exercising, the extra pounds should melt right off. In no time, I’ll be back at my old college weight.

Tomorrow, it’s six a.m. sharp. I’ll start off slow with maybe three or four miles.

April 29 - 9:00 AM

The wife talked me into getting a physical first. Who am I to argue? I’m thinking pulled muscle, she’s talking heart attack. The appointment is set for this afternoon.  If everything checks out under the hood, then tomorrow starts at six a.m. sharp.

April 30 - 6:15 AM

I’m going to be exercising in the evening. What the hell was I thinking?

May 10 - 6:30 PM

My new jock cuts into my butt cheeks like a cheese grater. I need to buy a new one before I can keep doing this.

June 6 - 5:00 PM

And they said it couldn’t be done. And, by “they”, I mean my wife.

I got that new jock finally and I’ve been jogging for four straight days. I’m almost up to a mile and feeling pretty damned good.

She can laugh all she wants.

June 7 - 3:00 PM

Today, I’m going to the local high school and do some sprints like in the old days.

June 10 - 7:30 PM

The swelling in my knee has finally gone down. Fortunately, no surgery needed. And my hamstring’s pretty sore. I’ll be taking it easy for the next few weeks. To keep the drive alive, I bought a weight bench. My wife thinks I’m crazy - among a few other things - and she bet me fifty dollars that despite all the equipment purchases and good intentions, I’d weigh more by the reunion than I do now. How do you like that? Nice moral support.

June 21 - 10:30 AM

I’m heading down to Wal-Mart today to get a new scale. I think ours is faulty.

July 3 - 9:45 PM

I know I should be writing more often. I could kick myself for leaving out so much insight. Work has taken me on the road a lot lately and, I admit, I’ve lost some discipline. Can you believe the huge portions they serve at restaurants?

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July. Another party. The little woman loves to throw her parties.

July 5 - 11:30 AM

Yesterday, I’m helping out like I always do. The wife strolls by with one of her girlfriends and makes a snarky remark about how I have big plans to redo myself before my high school reunion. I’ve learned to take a lot of guff from her, but she commented this time with a little extra attitude. Yeah, I’ve gained a few, but I’m taking better care of myself. For example, I bought some hair coloring stuff to work on the gray I’ve acquired from all the nagging. I let her know that.

By the way, she let me know she won’t be going to the reunion with me. Well, you don’t hear me complaining.

July 15 - 4:30 PM

The wife had the nerve to ask if we had enough money to go to this reunion. I said, “Sure, since you’re not going.”

I don’t think that went over well, but I speak my mind sometimes.

August 4 - 10:15 AM

My wife has been staying a few weeks at her Mom’s. Like she needs a vacation from me?

Anyway, I’m going out to buy some more hair coloring stuff. The last batch was defective. Let’s just say, what hair didn’t fall out remains gray. I wonder if I have a lawsuit. I’ll see if I can chat up some lawyer buddies at the reunion.

August 5 - 4:45 PM

I don’t usually do laundry and I may have shrunk some things. I bought new clothes. California casual. Hawaiian shirts. I think that’s cool.

August 6 - 4:30 PM

Nailed it! This is my third day in a row writing in this diary. How about that? Tomorrow, I resolve to start that novel I’ve been thinking about.

August 15 - 11:30 AM

I drunk dialed my wife last night, but I don’t think she was too happy to hear from me. Or her mom either. At least, I think that was her on the extension. But I wanted to let my wifey know that I wouldn’t go to the reunion if it meant losing her. She said, “Reunion! Reunion! That’s all I hear from you. You’ve gone crazy. I think you love this reunion more than me.” And I told her that wasn’t true, and I promised never to mention the word ‘reunion’ again. I may have apologized for some other things I had done while she was gone and the last I remember was her yelling at me like she always does.

Gotta find the aspirin.

September 12 - 6:30 PM

I received divorce papers in the mail today. Doesn’t she realize the reunion is in less than a week? She can be very selfish that way.

I went out to the garage, pumped some iron and then ran down to Starbucks to get one of those Venti White Chocolate Mocha drinks. Damn, those are good.

September 17 - 3:30 PM

Back in my home state today, staying at a hotel. Tomorrow is the reunion.

I know I can go to this thing, look everyone in the eye and say “I’m okay, you’re okay”. Although, let’s be honest, I’m thinking maybe I’ll be a little more okay than some others. I bet some of those people didn’t even think about hoisting a few weights or running a few miles. I did because I’m all about living life, not obsessing over things like my soon to be ex-wife’s dick lawyer who’s being such a pain in my ass. And I gotta pay his bill, too? Even though I’ve been kicked out of my own house and living in a dump where the bed folds into the wall? Something is definitely wrong with this picture.

But that’s another story. I need to concentrate on what matters. Reunions come along only a few times, and I’ve learned to take life by the horns. I’m ready to see my old friends and show them what I’ve become - a determined, disciplined, focused go-getter.

Like last week, I was stretched out on my couch watching TV, and I thought to myself – I could skip going if I had to. It’s not that big of a deal. There are more important things.

But, hey, I’m already here.

September 18 - 4:45 AM

Early morning. I couldn’t really sleep at all last night.

Today is the big day. The anticipation is killing me.

I can’t wait to see how old everyone else looks.

September 28 - 5:35 PM

Back home now.

I’m off work these days so I’m using that time wisely, digging deep, thinking back on reunion weekend. Here are my takeaways.

One, it’s sad to see the toll old age takes on some people. I don’t know how many people couldn’t remember my name. Not only do they fall apart on the outside, they’re losing it on the inside. Sad.

Two, they lose their sense of humor. I saw my old high school girlfriend. She’s the one exception, still looking the same. I let her know that and told her how if it were up to me, we’d be together again. Her husband wasn’t too happy to hear that. Some people just can’t take a joke. That’s what I tried telling him, but he wouldn’t listen.

Three, things aren’t as much fun as they used to be. Take for instance, my old buddies from back in the day. After I had a few, I told them we should recreate Senior Prom when we danced on the buffet tables. Well, I did it by myself because, by the time I’d climbed on, their wives had yanked them away from all the fun. I danced like no one was watching…, although I know they were.

Lastly, I have to admit I don’t have the same reflexes I used to. My dismount from the buffet table wasn’t too great. I slipped, hit my head and don’t remember some of the things I did after that. Fortunately, the banquet hall decided not to press charges. Personally, I don’t see how I could have done half the things they said I did.

I definitely don’t remember leaving that message for my boss. Hopefully, he’ll change his mind about giving me my job back.

It doesn’t matter though. My thirtieth college reunion is coming up. I’ve already got a goal.

Four years and counting.