Solar Tech Support

“Hello, and thank you for calling the Sun, your number one supplier of light and energy in the Solar System. For quality assurance, this call may be monitored and recorded. For English, press 1. For Spanish, presione numero dos. For Martian, uhgaz rino di-di-di. For Neptune Death Squad-Speak, press EARTHMEN MUST DIE! #4.”

“Thank you. If you are calling in regards to your solar energy service, press 1. For warranty and billing questions, press 2. For information about your location’s next scheduled solar eclipse, press 3. If you spent too much time staring at the sun and have become blind, press 4. For all other calls, please press 0.”

“Thank you. If you are calling to report a solar energy outage, press 1. If you are calling because the Sun is putting out too much energy to your location, press 2. If you are calling because the Sun is putting out too little energy, press 3. If you are calling because solar radiation has knocked out every electronic device on your planet, press 4. For all other calls, please remain on the line and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.”

“Thank you for holding. Your estimated wait time is twenty-seven minutes.”

(Plays The Beatles’ “Here Comes the Sun” on loop for three hours)

“Thank you for calling The Sun. This is Debra speaking, how may I direct your call?”

“Thank God someone answered. I was just about to gouge out my eardrums. Anyway, I’m from planet Earth, and the reason I’m calling is because it’s now 1 AM in Los Angeles, and the sun still hasn’t set yet. It’s still bright and sunny outside, and it’s not supposed to be. I have to go to work tomorrow and I can’t sleep with all this sunlight.”

“Okay, I’m very sorry to hear that, sir. Can you please give me your account information?”

“Account information? I don’t have any. You’re the SUN. You’ve been hanging out there putting out energy since before I was born.”

“Okay well sir, I need some information here to be able to help you. What planet are you calling from?”

“I just told you, Earth.”

“Okay, and what is the Earth’s age and location?”

“What? Uh, it’s about 4.5 billion years old, and it’s about 90 million miles away from the sun, like, farther away than Venus but closer than Mars.”

“Okay, and where on Earth are you calling from?”

“As I said, Los Angeles, California.”

“Alright, well I’m sorry to hear about the problem you’ve been having. Let’s do some troubleshooting first. Now, have you tried restarting the sun?”

“Restart the Sun? No, I haven’t, because that’s not possible.”

“Okay, have you tried unplugging the sun and plugging it back in?”

“Where the hell would I find the plug for the freakin’ SUN?”

“Can you please look up at the sun and tell me where exactly it is in the sky?”

“I think I’d rather not look straight up at the sun, thank you very much.”

“Okay, let me put you on hold while I speak with one of the techs.”

“No! For the love of God don’t put me on hold –“

“Thank you for holding. Your estimated wait time is seventeen minutes.”

(Plays “Here Comes the Sun” on loop for fifty-two minutes)

“Thank you for holding, sir. We have spoken with one of the techs and we can assure you that they are working on the problem right now.”

“Great. So long do we have to wait for the sun to start setting?”

“I do not know sir, but my estimate is somewhere around two to three days.”

“TWO OR THREE DAYS?! Are you saying that we have to deal with constant sunlight for several more days?! I’ve heard of the land of the midnight sun, but this is ridiculous!”

“We’re very sorry sir, we are working on the problem and hope to have the sun setting normally as soon as possible.”

“How is this even a problem? Why is the sun just staying in place and not setting?”

“I’m sorry sir, I do not know the answer to that question. It could be an internal nuclear fusion issue, possibly scheduled maintenance, maybe the galaxy’s servers are down, I do not know.”

“Well, you better fix it soon. We kind of need to have the sun set at night and rise in the morning. That’s what the sun is supposed to do, and we humans have built our lives around that phenomenon.”

“May I ask you sir, is it really a big problem if the sun doesn’t set?”

“Yes, it is. It messes up everyone’s sleep schedules. We’ll have to go to bed with blackout curtains and sleep blinders. Crops will wither and dry up. Nightclubs will go out of business. We’ll all get sunburn up the ass. We’ll have to start calling nightmares ‘daymares.’ The Night Court reboot will have to be canceled. And, I’m sure there’s a whole bunch of other reasons that I just can’t think of right now because I’m tired and I can’t sleep with all this sun!”

“Well again, I apologize for the problem sir, but we do have our techs working on it, and the sun should start setting again soon.”

“It better. And while I’m on the phone with you guys, can you also please turn down the temperature of the sun a little bit? We’ve got this little problem with global warming here, and that could really help us out.”

“Unfortunately sir, other planets in the system also depend on the sun for their energy needs, and they are always complaining that the sun is giving off too little energy for them. May I suggest that your planet turn down its thermostat if it’s getting too hot for you?”

“What a brilliant idea! Why didn’t any of us think of that!”

“Excellent sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“Well no, I guess I’ll just have to wait until your techs fix the problem and the sun sets.”

“Very good sir, after this call would you please take our survey of how we did?”

“Trust me, you don’t want me to do that.”

“Okay sir, well thank you for calling the Sun, have a nice day –“

“You too. Wait, wait – I think I see it starting to get darker! It looks like the sun is finally starting to go down!”

“Wonderful sir, we’re glad to hear it. It looks like our techs were able to fix it much faster than expected.”

“Awesome! Thank you so much!”

“Yes, in accordance with your wishes, the sun will be setting and you can expect perpetual darkness within half an hour.”

“Wait – perpetual darkness?! I just wanted the sun to set for the night!”

“Well, the sun will be setting soon. All those problems you described with sunlight won’t be happening because it will just be nighttime from now on.”

“THAT’S EVEN WORSE! You need to make the sun rise again in the morning!”

“Now that your problem has been resolved, we are terminating this call. If you have any additional questions or concerns with your sun service, please call again. Thank you for calling the sun, and have a great night.”