The New and Improved 2023-24 Faculty Handbook

“Good morning, everyone! I do hope you are having a wonderful prep week. I managed to stop by a few classrooms today, and wow! You guys have really stepped it up this year, I gotta say. We sure have improved your classroom setups. I was just talking to Tammy Belford about her putting tennis balls on the ends of those chairs in the lab. We didn’t really have the budget for new tile, so I for one am glad our kids won’t be scratching up the floors this year!”

“Now before we get into the changes to the handbook, I want to introduce some of the new teachers we brought in this year. First, I want to welcome our new United States history teacher, Mr. Thompson, who’s going to be handling all the high school classes for that particular subject. And sitting next to him is his lovely wife, Gloria. She’ll be heading the substitute staffing for us, so if you need to call out, you will need to email her. She has kindly asked me to tell you lot that you’ll need to notify her before 10 p.m., please and thank you.”

“Of course, we have some new staffing for the little kids down in the preschool wing. Lannie Kimberly for one of the K4 classes, Scott Matherly for our 1^st-grade class, and finally Jason Mourne as our preschool attendant. And I would be remiss to forget our new janitor, Michael. Doing the Lord’s work, that man is. I for one would not want to clean the bathrooms in this school!”

“All right, so let’s get on to the handbook. For you new folks, we go over this handbook every year just to update you on any changes we made over the summer. We also send an email out, but only three of you responded that you had read it, and all of them were office staff, so…well, let’s just get on with it.”

“You’ll notice that the handbook is much thicker this year. That would be because we added quite a few sections, including one on classroom behavior, security protocol, and policies for lunch. We will just touch on the new stuff. Everything else is pretty standard. Our secretary Linda will hand out forms for you to turn in at the end of this week saying you understand the changes and will promise to abide by them. And yes, I’m talking about you, Coach. After that fiasco with the basketball players forming a riot over not getting the gym floor lacquered, we aren’t leaving anything up to chance.”

“First, let’s touch on the classroom issues. Now I got your complaints from last year saying you were having some troubles with students, and I completely understand. Gertrude Evans should not have to spend time breaking up fights between the football players when teaching Shakespeare. We do have some rules you will be able to enforce to try and help with that. Don’t be afraid to hand out detentions, alright? Having more than five of those will result in a suspension, and having three of those will cause unruly students to not be able to play as a starter in sports or go on field trips, that sort of thing.”

“I’m sorry, Gertrude, could you repeat that? Well, no we can’t take them off the team for only one detention. Can you imagine what our team would suffer if our quarterback couldn’t play the homecoming game? Besides, we wouldn’t want to ruin the kid’s futures. What if a scout comes to one of those games? Eight warnings should be more than enough. And don’t give me that look. Yes, students will get expelled, just after they’ve reached 15 warnings. We want to give these kids a chance, don’t we? Of course we do!”

“Now, if fights do break out, you will be happy to know that each classroom will be fitted with walkie-talkies. You can call up to the office and ask for me to come down there, and I will settle the matter. Just make sure it's not before lunch. I have work too, you know!”

“Another issue that I know weighs heavily on your minds is security. We are with you. I want our kids to be safe just as much as the next guy. That is why we will be training a security guard to watch over the campus. He’ll be there to greet the kids in the morning and help during pick-up in the afternoon. So hopefully that is one less burden on your minds.”

“Yes, Gertrude? Now there’s no need to be cross. We couldn’t train him over the summer because that wasn’t in the budget. Why do you think we had that car-wash fundraiser? What? No, that money was never meant to go to the girls’ softball team. I don’t know where you heard that ridiculous rumor. I think they can manage to play another year with the baseball team’s uniforms and equipment.”

“Oh, and before I forget, you need to make sure that all of your students are using the clear backpacks we put on the supplies list. If any of them have any other sort of bag, you need to confiscate it and send them straight to the office. I’ve heard some parents complain that the one we listed was cheaply made and falling apart before kids even put them on. Well, you can tell them to buy a better one from Amazon. And if anyone complains, well, you can just point them to this here section of the handbook. It’s all for the kids’ safety, and if they don’t like it, they can suck it up.”

“I can see that some of you are falling asleep in your chairs, so I’ll try and wrap things up. The lunch protocols are very simple, nothing crazy. We will have a rotation of teachers who will be on lunch duty. We had a meeting about it over the summer, and we think that two teachers should be enough to monitor the cafeteria. From 12 to 12:30, you and your teacher partner will monitor the 9^th through 12^th grades, except for on Wednesdays, when you’ll monitor the 6^th through 12^th. And I know that seems like a lot of kids for you to watch. But we are a well-knit, disciplined family here, and I know that you lot will be able to handle it.”

“Goodness, Gertrude, you sure are chatty today! Why, no, I won’t be able to help with the lunch monitoring. As I said, I do work from 10 to 12—well, that’s when I come in now, you see—so I wouldn’t be able to help with that anyway.”

“Gertrude? Where are you going? What do you mean you quit? You can’t quit! Who else is going to teach the high school English and Spanish classes? Listen, Ms. Evans, you signed a contract! You…didn’t? Well…I…I assumed you had since you have been with us so long—hey, don’t crumple up that form! Paper is far too expensive nowadays—Ms. Evans! Ms. Evans!”

“Ah. Well, then. I see…Mrs. Thompson, I’m going to need you to call up your subs and see which one of them is willing to work Ms. Evan’s classes on Monday.”

“How long will they have to work? Oh, let’s go with the whole year, just in case Gertrude decides to go through with her retirement threat. Oh, don’t give me that face, Gloria. I’m sure you’ll manage, as we all will. No doubt it will be another exciting year of teaching for all of us.”

“Welcome to the team, everyone! Here’s to another happy year!”