The Better Daughter

It’s been eight weeks, six days, and approximately three hours since the last time I saw her. My dear sister, with her radiant smile and that awful Christmas sweater she loved so much. Her hair fell down her back, cascading like mine never did. That same hair glowed like a halo around her head in her casket. Even pale and lifeless, she was more beautiful than I ever could.

Such a shame, people murmured as I walked by. At school, on the street, even at the funeral. She was such a lovely young lady; the star of the Gonzalez family.

I got really good at pretending like I didn’t hear it. I ignored the whispers and the pointing. Most of all, I tried to block out the gruesome comparisons they liked to make between us.

Her hair is so much frizzier than Lily’s was.

She was never as good at school as her sister.

I heard her own parents said they lost the better daughter.

I turned my ears off and focused on my mission: surviving another day. I was the only daughter left so I had to be strong for both of us. I had to be what Lily was never able to. I suppressed the tears that wanted to come out of my eyes and the ugly thoughts running through my head. I heard patiently as the police explained how sweet Lily was found. Dead. Gone.

My older sister had always been part of me. I couldn’t remember a moment in my life when she wasn’t there, sleeping in the bed next to mine. I couldn't imagine a world without her. In total honesty, I couldn’t wait to begin my new life as anything other than her shadow. For the first time, I wouldn’t be the uglier sister or less popular version of her.

That was Lily; always the better choice.

And then there was me; the sloppy seconds.

“Oh, don’t say that hon,” she’d said when I mentioned it. “Of course you are better than me on some things. We complement each other.”

“Yeah, right,” I laughed. “Like what?”

She put her hand on her chin and stroked it, dramatically gazing into the horizon with a frown on her mouth. She was messing with me. “Well, there are a lot of things. For example, you are better at…”

Lily turned her dramatic act off as she realized I was right. She didn’t say it, but I knew her well enough to recognize that look on her face. She believed I was a useless idiot. My fists curled and I felt tears well in my eyes.

“Told you so,” I finally managed, my voice barely a whisper.

She wouldn’t dare look me in the eyes. With a vague attempt to fix her mistake, Lily took my hand and shook her head, but the damage was done.

So I went ahead with my life. Resenting her. Smiling as my darling sister was offered every single aspect of her life on a silver platter. She really was the best daughter.

And that was exactly why she had to go.

“Hey Beth, how are you?” A voice stopped me in the hall. I looked up to find four sets of eyes staring at me. Some people whose names I couldn’t remember. Not that I really wanted to, though. “How is everything at home?”

I pictured my dad crying in front of the television. I could see my mom screaming in the shower when she thoughts nobody could hear her. Their eyes were always red and swollen. I had almost forgotten what they had looked like before. When they were happy.

Apparently, even in death, Lily was still the favorite. And, as usual, I wasn’t enough.

I felt a knot in my throat as I opened my mouth to respond, but swallowed it rapidly. I wasn’t going to give the ghost of my sister the satisfaction of making me feel guilty or sad. She deserved it.

“Everything is fine, thanks for asking.” I smiled as politely as I could.

 I watched the people in front of me as they stared at the ground. People always did this. They stopped me to ask deep, personal questions and then left me hanging with my answer. If you didn't want to know, why ask?

I wanted to slap each one of them in the face.

I was about to walk away, making up an excuse about some class I didn’t intend to go when I noticed a shift. The girl closest to me bit her lip and searched for the eyes of the boy holding her hand. He shook his head. She ignored him and opened her mouth to speak.

“I…” she hesitated. “I wanted to know if they ever found a note or something.”

“No, nothing.”

Though not for lack of trying. For weeks, my parents, accompanied by the police, scoured Lily’s room for an explanation. Never found one, of course. My sister’s death was the only aspect of her life that was less than perfect. And that was only because the subpar daughter had been responsible for it.

The girl lowered her eyes. “Oh. I’m sorry I asked. Lily and I were friends and I’ve always wondered if there was something that I could have done to help her. I feel so guilty.”

“It’s okay. There’s nothing you could do.”

Unless you could have kept her from me, it's not your fault sweetheart. I couldn't say that out loud though, for obvious reasons. Instead, I nodded and scanned the sad girl in front of me. I hadn’t noticed when she first arrived, but with a closer look, I realized I did recognize her. She was one of the girls in Lily’s posy. Same perfect hair and poised smile that made her seem like royalty. 

“I just don’t want you to feel alone like she did. You could have lunch with us today. Will you? Please.”

She took my hand and smiled; her eyes warm and full of compassion. I stared at her friends, expecting the same damn look from them, just to realize they weren’t even looking at me. Instead, they were all watching her, their eyes filled with admiration. Look at the saint trying to help that unfortunate soul, their collective thought seemed to be.

Exactly what I needed. Another perfect girl looking at me with pity. Another shadow to be thrown into.

Be careful, hon. My murder instincts tend to come up in these kinds of situations.