Steve the Trickster God

Chaotic, powerful, mischievous. These were words that once described me. A force of nature, a god! I was once feared and worshipped by many, the harbinger of misfortune! And on top of all of my astonishing and otherworldly powers, I was also incredibly good-looking. Yes, yes, I was a winner with all the ladies, goddesses and mortals alike. You may not believe me now with this sorry excuse of a body that resembles melted ice-cream, but my looks were once unrivaled by any man. Eight pack abs of steel, a jaw so chiseled it could cut flesh, and an aura of pure awesomeness. I could do something as catastrophic as cut a land in two, influence a powerful man to start a war and descend humans into chaos with just a mere thought! All the mayhem in this world was mine to create. Anyone in my path trembled by the mere mention of my name. And my name...my name was…what was my name?’

“Steve?” 

“Yes, what?” I snapped, turning around. I let out a great heavy sigh when I saw it was the annoying behemoth of a woman, Deborah. The mortals here called her the “office pig” and I could certainly seem why. She loomed over me, breathing heavily like some overworked hog. I have been sentenced to sit next to this woman for years, a punishment itself in this already burning pit hole of hell. 

“You haven’t filed your paperwork for this week’s module.” The stack of papers that practically slipped out of her grubby hands hit my desk with a loud thump. It’s presence felt violating to me. I could all but inch away from it. Deborah stared at me mercilessly with those blank and glazed eyes of her as she leaned in. Her pungent breath almost made me fall out of my already thankfully reclined chair, giving me some much appreciated distance. Her tiny eyes narrowed even smaller and I knew what she was going to say before she even could say it. The pretense of dread was already sitting in as well as an oncoming mental breakdown that I’ve found has now become part of my daily routine. Her crusty lips pronounced every syllable insultingly slow, spraying drops of saliva onto my desk. “The boss says get it done by the end of today. Otherwise you’re not getting your bonus for this month.” Ignorant to the volcano of pure fury that erupted through my eardrums, she waddled over to her side of the cubicle and squeezed her bottom back into her self claimed throne, no doubt having done her exercise for the week. 

“The insolence! The blasphemy! The pure unadulterated torture!” I screamed internally as I flipped through the papers, my hand practically a blur as I glanced at the clock. It was already past 8! My favorite show the Bachelor was about to be on and here I was working overtime. This is what my immortal life of 1600 years has come to, filing numbers for a idiotic moron who could barely know how to properly put on a tie. Speaking of morons, I felt a loaf of a hand on my shoulder. I gritted my teeth.

“How’s it going, Steve? Working hard I see.” I barely had to look over my shoulder to know who it was when I saw the loosely tied ribbon that hung around a non-existent neck. “I hate to have to retract your bonus, Steve. I hope you can understand it’s just the way of the company.” He let out a low belch. “Only those that deserve it should be rewarded but I know you deserve it. Right, Steve?” He winked at me like how he does to his secretary and gave me in what I suppose was meant to be a motivating pat on the back. Instead, I just wanted to throw him off of the 50th floor. “Anyway see you tomorrow, Stevie boy. I want to see that stack on my desk tomorrow morning, alright?” He chuckled in what I could definitely say was a sadistic manner and trust me, I was practically the inventor of sadism. I waited till he walked away and heard the ding of the elevator before I let out a stream of words that no mother should ever hear. 

The insistent buzz of phones ringing and the clicking of keyboards surrounded me once more the next day like an eternal headache. My paperwork, just as I predicted was left untouched on that neanderthal’s desk except for the sugar dust from his morning donuts. Deborah’s snores were an accompanying symphony to the orchestra of my misery. 

You’re probably wondering how I got to this point. How did I become trapped in this excruciating confinement of corporate monotony, working 9-5 only to find a slight ray of happiness in reality TV shows? A punishment from the rest of the gods is what I say! Those jerks always blame everyone else for their problems! It’s your fault the world is going crazy! It’s your fault that World War II started! How was I supposed to know that was going to happen? The humans did that themselves! I had no part to play. Okay, maybe a little but that isn’t the point here. The point is that I’m stuck in this endless cycle of order and routine, a punishment seen fit for the “trickster” god who craves anarchy and chaos. I knew they were all just jealous that I got to have all the fun. So they took away my name, my body, my identity and stuffed me inside of this mundane man who struggles to even get up from his own couch! I used to be able to run across a whole continent without breaking a sweat. Now I can't even walk to my usual spot for my lunch break without feeling winded. How I miss the freedom, the ability to do anything I desired without fear of consequence! 

Now I am confined in this life-no I can hardly say it’s a life-a prison that humans have created for themselves. To think that most humans will spend the very few decades they have left in their tiny lifespans living like this is beyond belief. They cannot see past the chains of society, not realizing that the chains they feel placed upon them is as paper thin as the papers that are scattered around me. What are rules? What are norms? Are they concrete, physical things? No, in fact they are non-existent. They were simply created by humans to give themselves a sense of structure and order. But what is the point of structure and order in one's life if you are to live it out so miserably like this? I certainly won’t stand by it. To break free is an easy choice and after that, it’s simply freedom, epiphany. Chaos in its purest form. That was my purpose, to share it with the rest of the world. 

 But that was before I woke up in this body. The moment I looked in the mirror and witnessed the atrocious jiggly attachment to my abdomen, it was my last straw. I swore that when I was to regain my powers and my prior existence, I would bring down my fury and scorn on this forsaken world and all the gods for what they have done to me. And I was most certainly going to start with this corrupted and malevolent place!  

If I only could remember my name, my name, what was my name? I slammed my head on the table in frustration causing everyone around me to jump. I didn’t care. All I could feel was my frustration and my craving for some serious alcohol. 

“Do you really want to know your name that bad?” I nearly jumped out of my chair, quickly trying to recover the shock of the discovery of Deborah behind me. Was she always that quiet? How did she cover the distance of this cubicle without her usual groaning of complaints? I found no answers in her tiny, blank and hazy eyes. “Well, do you or do you not?” After a moment of consideration of the meaning of her words, I could only nod. 

This seemed to satisfy her. She motioned for me to come closer. I grimaced. As much as I didn’t want to, desperate times called for desperate measures. I leaned in, allowing myself to be slightly curious. “You name is,” I inched in closer to her crusty lips, “Steve.” She whispered it with a smug grin. That was it. All threads of my sanity were broken. I rose slowly, blood rushing to my face. 

“MY. NAME. IS. NOT. STEVE!” I bellowed.

“But it is.” Deborah insisted, unfazed. 

“I am the god of chaos, you insolent woman! I am the creator of mayhem, I am the harbinger of wars! I am the trickster of tricksters! I was forced in this body, this identity forced upon me with the knowledge that I would never accept- ” My mouth slammed shut. Deborah quirked up a bushy eyebrow. I remained frozen in disbelief. It couldn’t be that easy. “My name is Steve.” I whispered in a hush of revelation. 

“Your name is Steve.” The office hog agreed. And that was when I laughed, truly laughed. My eyes practically bulged out of it’s sockets. Tears streamed down my swollen cheeks and my veins popped out of my forehead from the sheer force of laughter that bubbled out of my throat. A rush of uncontrollable glee was running through my veins like electricity. It couldn’t be this easy. Could it? Oh, but it could. How clever they must have thought they were! To trick the trickster god with the simplest stuff in the book. Very clever, but not clever enough. 

 I jumped up on my desk with sudden energy that I hadn’t felt in ages. “My name is Steve!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, pumping my small fists into the air. The incessant buzz of ringing and clicking stopped, all eyes turned to me. “What is going on out here?” The idiot boss’s head poked out of his office. His eyebrows furrowed in rage, no doubt because his donut gouging session was interrupted. What perfect timing. 

“I’ll tell you what's happening here.” My grin grew wider. “ I quit, you-!” A stream of some quite creative cusses if I say so myself followed shortly after. A collective gasp of disbelief swept across the office floor. The moron’s face reddened like a tomato and I drew much satisfaction from it. But this was just the beginning.

 “Why, you little-!” He stormed towards me, a mouse unknowingly approaching the lion’s jaw. Every second that now passed, I could feel my strength and power return. All it took was to do the one thing the gods thought I could never do. Accept this identity, this body that went against everything that I was, to accept being human. They thought it would be impossible for me as they thought me too conceited and arrogant. Their mistake was that they didn’t realize that my staggering intellect and magnificence could not be contained! I’m willing to take on the role of the fool for the sake of the joke! And if this was all a massive joke then I was to make sure I would be the one to deliver the winning punchline. I faced my audience with a wild cheshire grin. 

 “My fellow humans, I am a pudgy meager mortal man who can barely lift his TV remote. I love watching the Bachelor and I can binge eat Cheese Whiz like no tomorrow! I have a beer belly and flabs on my body that I don’t even know of. I am a insignificant powerless little man.” I let out another howl of laughter at the surge of power I felt course through my limbs. “Yes, that is who I am!” And with those words, the office exploded. Boxes of paper detonated like dynamite. The annoying machines they called computers and printers combusted into sparks, setting off the fire alarm. People started to scream. I breathed it in like it was fresh morning air. 

“Steve!” The little mouse roared. “You get down from there this instant!” I only smiled. A lion would not roar at a mouse but perhaps it would swat it away. The loose ribbon that has annoyed me for years tightened like a noose around his neck. The mouse stumbled, gasping for air. His eyes were ablaze with sudden fear. I cocked my head, enjoying his realization of his doom immensely. “Please, spare me.” He choked out. “I’ll give you your raise-no more than a raise. A promotion!” 

I clicked my tongue. “But that’s not the way of the company, is it now?” I hopped down to his eye level. Strange how he now regarded me with the same fear and hatred I saw in the eyes of his employees. But I suppose that was the way this world worked. What saying did the humans have? Big fish eat small fish? 

“Please. I’ll do anything.” Tears welled in his eyes, blending with the man-made rain around us. 

“Hm." I pretended to console it over and adjusted his tie. “There's no need for a promotion, my friend.” 

“There isn’t?” He asked, genuinely confused but a slight glimmer of hope started to shine in his ugly face. 

“Because I’m going to burn this place to the ground and you with it.” I beamed. His expression fell into despair. “Bye now.” With a flick of my hand, he flew across the office. I didn’t bother to see where he landed for my attention had turned to Deborah who remained kneeling below me. Ah yes, I almost forgot about her.

"How did you know who I was?”   

“I am only but a simply lower godly being that has been a worshipper of yours for centuries.” Deborah’s eyes were still small but they twinkled with truth. “The moment I heard of your sentence,” she continued, “ I immediately set out to find you and to help you figure out a way to escape the curse the gods placed upon you. I joined this company on a small lead. At first it was hard to know which of these mortals you were but I knew immediately it was you from the moment you asked me how to make a photocopy.”

“I knew how to do that.” I scowled, crossing my arms.

“Yes, of course. My apologies.” Deborah bowed lower,. “I have gone great lengths to assist you in the human world.” She peeked up between the gaps of her greasy hair, her face was a mix of greed and admiration. “I pray that you would consider a reward for my unconditional servitude towards you.” My eyes narrowed and she ducked to cover her face by kissing the ground.

I waved my hand dismissively. “Your reward is that I let you leave alive.” 

“But-,” she started to protest. 

“Leave fast enough and I won't turn you into the hog that you are.” I warned with a dangerous smile. That was enough for her. She rose in a panic, hobbling with her stoutly legs towards the elevator. She hit the button frantically but stopped short when she realized her hands were not hands at all but hooves. 

“What’s happening?" She started to screech. "Oink oink!” Her nose had turned into a snout and her skin started to grow a darker shade of brown fur. Her whole body rippled and shifted until she started to shrink, disappearing into a pile of clothes. 

I pouted in mock pity for what came out was not a human, but a hog. “Sorry dear. You weren’t fast enough.” I clapped my hands in applause, pleased with myself. “Now, do you want to become bacon as well?” The office hog squealed in horror. The elevator doors opened with a resounding ding and the disgusting creature scurried in. I snorted as the doors closed. How ungrateful. She should have thanked me. She looked much better as a hog anyways. 

I walked through the now deserted office towards the large sky rise window that overlooked the unknowing city. It was quite beautiful with it’s setting sun and twinkling lights but I couldn’t help but think that it needed my artistic touch. Maybe a dash of madness? A stroke of mischief? What kind of chaos could I ensue in this modern day? I shivered in delight at the thought. In one way I was grateful to those otherworldly jerks. Through these years of endless torture, I have realized a new purpose. I will help all of these fellow humans break from their restraints of their society. We will live in a new and liberated world with no rules, no boundaries or standards. We will all be free. How lucky those humans are to have me.

My name is Steve, the trickster of tricksters, the god of chaos, the harbinger of misfortune and the soon to be liberator of humankind! I smiled in anticipation. Now, where to begin?