DIY

“That’s hideous.” 

“It’s cream.” 

“It’s bland.” 

“It’s called ‘Frosted Wheat’.”

“And we might as well not even bother wasting money on paint if

we’re going to slap another coat of white on the walls.” 

“This isn’t white.” 

“It’s white.” 

“It’s neutral.” 

“White.” 

“It’s color to tan than it is white.” 

“No, it’s not. It’s a light brown.” 

“That swatch looks like coffee that has too much milk in it.” 

“Still coffee.” 

“Still an ugly color. We should go with something more like this.” 

“Hm.” 

“It’ll brighten up the place since we don’t get very much natural light.” 

“It’s certainly bright.” 

“The cabinets are white, and the counters are white, so this will be nice. It’s called ‘Sunflower’.” 

“It looks like pee.” 

“Oh my god-”

“What?!”

“Really?”

“Well…”

“This doesn’t look like pee! It’s not goldenrod or, or burnt yellow.” 

“Same difference.”

“Many differences. Ignoring the fact that if your urine is even close to any of these colors, you’re probably dehydrated.” 

“I also don’t want to be reminded of pee every time I walk into my kitchen.”

“Doesn’t look like pee!”

“A little louder so everyone in the store can hear us talking about pee.” 

“You started this. There’s nothing wrong with this color.”

“Debatable.” 

“Fine. What about green?” 

“For a kitchen?” 

“Why not? What if we didn’t paint the walls? What if, let me finish

before you decide-” 

“No.” 

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!” 

“It doesn’t matter.” 

“Whatever. Anyway, I thought we should paint the cabinets a nice hunter green or an emerald-”

“No.” 

“Why?”

“What are we going to paint the cabinets with?” 

“I’m sure you noticed the aisles of paint cans behind us.” 

“It’s wall paint.” 

“Multipurpose paint. I’ve seen plenty of internet photos showing how painting cabinets can be a cost-effective way to renovate your kitchen.” 

“And do any of these photos show how the kitchen looks a year or more after painting?”

“No different than a wall.” 

“You don’t constantly touch a wall or splatter spaghetti sauce all over it.”

“So we get some heavy-duty paint.” 

“No.” 

“Fine. What about we get some new tile?” 

“The tile in our kitchen isn’t even a year old.” 

“Neither is the paint of our walls.” 

“Paint is easier to change than tiles.” 

“I guess.” 

“Don’t look like that.” 

“Like what?” 

“Pouty.” 

“I’m not pouting.” 

“You are.” 

“I’ll stop if we can paint the kitchen green.” 

“What kind of green?” 

“Emerald.” 

“No.” 

“Hunter.” 

“That’s the same thing.” 

“Because you’re colorblind. The two are very different colors.”

“They are both colors too dark for our kitchen.” 

“Well, I was thinking that we could paint the kitchen and dining room. It would make sense since the kitchen, living, and dining area

are all open.” 

“Too dark. What about this one?”

“Why does every color you suggest look like it’s from an Easter basket?” 

“It doesn’t.” 

“It does.” 

“Not.” 

“Fine-” 

“Don’t roll your eyes.” 

“I’m about to admit you’re right to a degree.” 

“Please continue.”

“Perhaps the greens I’m thinking off would be too dark for the whole space.” 

“They would be.” 

“We good do an accent wall in the emerald or the hunter green-” 

“Which wall?” 

“I’m thinking the big one.” 

“What about the other walls?” 

“We could wallpaper-” 

“Wallpaper? Hell no.” 

“It’s trendy.” 

“It’s horrible.” 

“It’s making a comeback lately.” 

“Since when?” 

“For a couple years now.” 

“I’m not hanging any wallpaper.” 

“Would you rather me do it?” 

“I’d rather us not use any wallpaper.” 

“What about a stencil?”

“That sounds even worse.” 

“You cannot tell me some sort of black and white geometric wall

pattern wouldn’t fit in perfectly with our dark green accent wall and dining room furniture.” 

“A black and white geometric pattern would not fit perfectly with a dark green accent wall and our dining room furniture.” 

“Jerk.” 

“It’s a bit much.” 

“Not if we get keep the decorations to a minimum. I do think a yellow vase would work nicely if we did that.” 

“That wouldn’t match.” 

“It would make for a nice pop of color.” 

“The wall would already be a big pop of color.” 

“Yes, but the yellow would be a nice addition. Then in the living room, we could get a dark green couch! Oh! Maybe we could find a yellow chair too.” 

“A yellow chair?” 

“Yeah, like canary yellow.”

“That doesn’t match.” 

“It will. Look!” 

“That’s terrible.” 

“It’s not.” 

“Honey, it’s awful. I’m sorry.” 

“Then what colors would you put with this green?” 

“Not that. Maybe some browns.” 

“No. Too many dark colors. We could paint our accent wall yellow?”

“No.” 

“Blue? Like indigo?” 

“No.” 

“Violet?” 

“No.” 

“Red?”

“For a kitchen?” 

“Why not?” 

“I don’t want our kitchen to look like a fast food restaurant.” 

“It won’t.” 

“If you paint it blood red it will.” 

“This color is called ‘Siren’.” 

“Yes, it’s definitely screaming for help.” 

“Or enchanting us with it’s song.” 

“Leading us to our death.” 

“What do you have against color?” 

“Nothing.” 

“You’ve disliked every single color I’ve picked.” 

“I don’t want to splatter our walls in blood and pee.” 

“I think the guy at the mixing station heard you, and he thinks we’re weird now.” 

“We are.” 

“Okay, how about we get some samples to test on the wall? You pick three, I pick three, and then we can test them on the wall before making a final decision.”

“Can I still include “Frosted Wheat”?” 

“Your choices are your choices, and my choices will be my choices. We’ll see what looks best on the wall.” 

“I suppose that’s fair.” 

“If bleached coffee looks best on the all, then so be it. But I also think we need to consider just doing an accent wall too.” 

“I can agree with that.” 

“And a red couch.” 

“No.” 

“Keep an open mind.” 

“We don’t need a red couch.” 

“A green one then.” 

“Do you know hard it is to find a green couch?”

“True. We can just paint it if we-” 

“You want to paint a couch?”

“Yeah?”

“Why?” 

“Why not?” 

“You can’t paint a couch.” 

“Tell the internet that.”