I tried to say goodbye

It had been a long time coming, but yet I had never thought this day would ever come to be. We had shared so many different things together, and yet it felt like we shared nothing. You had changed so drastically with in the first days of our life together. 

Each day soon became the same, we’d wake up in the morning and say “hello.” Then we would hug. There were never anymore words shared from your lips. No matter what I said I could never elicit a response, even if I yelled. You never cared for what I said, you always just sat there at the other end of the table book in hand. 

You had only read a few pages, but yet it felt like thousands. You held that book more lovingly then you did me. I always watched on. I tried sitting by you, maybe you would have looked at me then? But you didn’t. 

You stood up. Your chair squeaked horribly as you pushed it back. You would close your book and for a moment I thought you would look at me. But each day this happened, you didn’t. You just sat back down at the other end of the table, sharing no words. I wish you would.

I don’t understand why I even bothered anymore, maybe it was the pang of worry that stung my heart or it could have even been the unconditional love I felt for you? 

I sighed leaning back into my chair as I looked at you, your interest never fading from that book. But yet a certain sadness hid behind those emerald green eyes of yours and for that moment I wholeheartedly wished that I was that book. I didn’t want to be on the outside anymore, I wanted in. I wanted you to do what you used to. 

We used to be so close, each day was a joy with you. But now each day felt like you were stepping back slowly, ready to say goodbye. Those words never escaped your lips.

I had imagined what that goodbye might have been like, you would have sat there with the book down finally looking at me. Your eyes were so very sad, but a smile lingered on your lips. 

You had wanted to say it for a long while now, but each day you would find some way not to say it. It was either a phone call with your boss, or you hadn’t finished the page you were on. 

You avoided the words like a plague. I wished that I could have said them to you, I even practiced in front of the mirror while you were out. But anytime I did go to speak it was like you knew. You would get up, turn your back and walk out of the room.

“Goodbye.” I always whispered with a sigh as you shut the front door. 

There were a few differences here and there, but none noticeable enough to warrant a mention. All ended the same nether a less, all with me whispering goodbye like some helpless little kitten.

I had no courage to speak up, I didn’t know how to. I wished that you would take the time and say the words to me. I wished that I could also. 

Yet there was this deafening silence and the air hung heavy. 

Each morning I would sit that far away from you, each morning I tried to gather up enough courage and each morning you sat on the same page of the book. Re-reading it, to have an excuse to hide. 

The day that I thought that never would come, hasn’t yet. 

It’d been hanging over our heads for a long time now, the burden getting heavier and heavier. I knew you could feel it, and I could too. 

You would shift uncomfortably in your chair, brushing your midnight black hair behind your ear. Eyes so focused on the page you were on, that I thought if you stared at it any harder a hole could be burned through. Your gaze was heavy, distant. I couldn’t read what you were thinking, or feeling. It was like a wall had been pulled down between us. 

“We need to talk.” I couldn’t stand the silence anymore. “Even if you don’t say anything, you need to listen to me.” I fiddled with my hands looking down at them in thought. 

“There’s been this wall between us, surely you’ve felt it.” I looked back up at you. “You haven’t said much to me at all. What’s the point of still being together when you don’t care?” I questioned knowing I probably wouldn’t get an answer and I didn’t. I just watched as you finally flicked over the page of the book. “I think it’s time that we-“ I stopped as you put your hand up shaking your head at me getting up and turning to leave. 

“Please just stay for once.” I begged you getting up and lightly grabbing your hand. “This needs to happen. I can’t just sit there anymore.” My eyes looked into yours watching as tears streamed down your face. At that moment, your phone rang. 

“I need to answer.” You mumbled pulling your hand away turning and wiping away the tears, you then answered the phone. You paced back and forth. I sighed loudly at the universe. I had finally gotten enough courage to say something and the phone had to ring. 

I stood there arms crossed across my chest watching you as you paced. I waited patiently. At least an hour passed before finally you hung up. “I need to go to work. Something important has come up. I can’t get out of it.” She whispered, I watched as your expression was filled with relief. I couldn’t do anything but nod at you. I was going to try again tomorrow. I watched as you walked out the door.

The next morning I sat down heavily with a frustrated sigh glancing at the clock watching as it ticked on. Finally, you took the liberty to show up. You didn’t have your book in your hand, you held the sleeves of your shirt in your hands as you crossed your arms. 

I watched as you sat down at the other end of the table leaning on your hand for support. You looked at me for the first time in the thousand of mornings that had passed, you paid me attention waiting for me to say what I needed to. 

“We need to say goodbye.” I simply say also leaning on my arm for support. I watched your expression and body language, it was still closed off and unreadable as you sat there in silence. Your gaze was unwavering, you stared into my very being. 

I shifted uncomfortably as you appraised me, you looked at me with such hatred in your eyes. Such betrayal. I watched as you got up walking away into the kitchen. I let a breath out that I hadn’t realised I was holding.

I sat there in silence for a long time, waiting for your return. Knowing that it was an extremely difficult thing to hear. 

I gasped as I felt a sharp blade resting on my throat, your breath close to my ear. I felt it hot and heavy as you leaned into me to whisper “No. You don’t get to end it. You don’t get to say this.” You seethed whispering with poison dripping from each word. “You are pathetic.” Your words stung me hard as you pressed the blade further against my skin making me tense. 

You had snapped. This was the last drop of water in your already over flowing glass. You felt like you had no choice but to do this. You wanted the control. 

I clenched my eyes shut and whimpered lightly. “I’m sorry. I was wrong. I majorly overstepped.” I reassured you. “I was just testing you.” My tone was calm and even as I spoke to you. “I won’t leave.” I reassured again. 

You gently kissed at my earlobe with a sly smile pulling back and putting the knife down. “Good. Now come here.” You motioned me to hug you, I had no choice and so I did.

Looks like that day I thought would come, wouldn’t come after all.