Waking up

 It looked like a station but there were no platforms. She could hear the rumble but not see any trains. There were dark stairways and sinister alleys. The signposts said peculiar, incomprehensible things. Faceless strangers passed by in the distance, no one close enough for her to speak to. Everything looked hard and dirty, cold and alien. Why didn't she recognize anything? She had been there many times before. It must be Waterloo.

"Waterloo, Waterloo”

The words ran senselessly through her head like an echo. She tried to run up a flight of steps but her legs would hardly move. She must hurry or she would be late... late... too late.

At the top of the steps, there was yet another corridor and another flight of steps. The faster she ran the further the steps receded from her. Invisible engines roared and cold air rushed past her ears. In her panic, she turned quickly to run back but she missed her footing, tripped and fell. She jumped violently and woke up.

The duvet was half on the floor exposing her bare arms to the cold night air. Angela shivered and snuggled back under the covers. Staring around her at the friendly, familiar bedroom she laughed with relief. She was not normally an anxious traveller, quite the opposite, too laid back by half Jeremy said. They had only ever missed one train but he did remind her about it occasionally. He did it in a joking way of course but she knew her lateness might be a source of irritation if she were not careful and this was a rather special trip. Jeremy was taking her to meet his parents at last. It was an important event. Jeremy had not taken many girlfriends home, he had said. It meant he was serious. She was hoping, (well maybe she could allow herself to think about it when she was alone) she was hoping it might mean... could it mean, he was that serious?

As she lay back and thought of Jeremy a warm glow came over her. He was easily the most handsome and impressive man she had ever been out with. He was bright, having just completed his accountancy exams. He was considerate and concerned about her. He wanted to be proud of her and wanted her to be proud of him. That was why he always took an interest in what she did, who her friends were, where they went and what she wore. Angela in her turn always tried to please him, tried to live up to his expectations.

For the visit to his parents, she had not quite decided what to wear. Should she be formal and go in her best work clothes or be relaxed and pretty? She started to run through her clothes in her mind. She had suits with skirts and blouses although most women wore trousers these days. Perhaps a trouser suit would be in order: smart yet modern. Would Jeremy approve of that she wondered? Maybe not, he was a bit old fashioned about clothes. A dress might be safer but which one to choose?

It must still be the middle of the night, Angela thought. There was a silvery rim of moonbeams round the curtains. The room looked magical, enchanted in that strange eerie light. Perhaps she would get up and try on some of her clothes. That would be the best way to decide. She was not at all tired; she felt light, almost euphoric. She would take her time, put together different combinations until she found the perfect outfit for the trip.

Angela slipped out of bed happily, gliding across the bedroom like a wraith in the moonlight. Drawing back her dressing room door she surveyed her wardrobe proudly. There were closets full of dresses, racks of suits, rails full of shoes, shelves piled with the finest lingerie, boxes full of glittering earrings, bracelets and necklaces. She floated round touching things, smiling, wanting to wear them all at once.

First she tried on an opal silk shirt with a dark, fine wool suit and black, high-heeled suede shoes. Looking at herself in the full-length mirror she saw an elegant sophisticated young woman especially with her long hair piled up on top of her head. Perhaps she looked too much like a high-class secretary. No, she wanted to be seen as Jeremy's future wife not as his secretary even though he encouraged her with her typing and liked her to help with his business correspondence. She had to watch very carefully so that she did not make any errors. He pointed them out gently but sometimes seemed to be a little disappointed in her. If she were to be his business partner as well as his wife she must learn to pay attention to detail.

Next, she tried on a scarlet satin dress. It clung to her figure in a provocative way. She twirled around laughing in front of the mirror watching the backs of her knees peep out saucily from under the spinning folds. Ah no, that would not do either. Jeremy did not like her to call attention to herself. He wanted a modest wife. He liked dignity in a woman. The scarlet naughtiness fell to the floor and she pulled on a navy wool day dress with a dainty fleck. This was dignified, not to say solemn. It made her look older, perhaps too old. On the other hand, the green gingham with puffed sleeves was too babyish. The striped top and leggings were too trendy, a bit common possibly, that would rule them out. Sometimes it did take a long time to come up with something he liked. As she was meeting his parents she thought she should concentrate on the more sedate and serious side of her wardrobe.

On the next rack, the suits looked very dowdy, almost reproachful. They would make her look like some official coming to check up on truant children. A belted tweed coat? Was that hers? It looked heavy and dark and not too clean. The thick brown dress next to it looked as if it belonged to a cleaner. She parted the clothes on the rack to look at it. There was a big dark stain down its front. How could she possibly own such a hideous garment and would she really have put it away in that condition? The next dress way even worse, it felt wet and slimy. She recoiled from its touch and wiped her hand down her underslip. Brown filth appeared on the white cotton. She tore off the slip in revulsion and ran naked back into the bedroom.

It looked as if the curtains were open and the street was full of people. The moonlight was so bright it was almost like daytime. The people below could surely see her through the windows, but she had no clothes on, she must get away and hide. Turning hurriedly from the window she fell down a step. She jumped violently and woke up.

The dressing room with all its racks of clothes, the boxes of glittering jewellery, even the long flowing hair, all faded away. How ridiculous! The few clothes she could afford were stuffed into a makeshift wardrobe set into an alcove. She might find it difficult to decide what to wear because there was so little choice.

As she lay awake watching the moonlight streaming through a gap in the curtains she wondered why she was having such nightmares. The visit to Jeremy's parents was important but she did not think she really dreaded it. She got on well with people as a rule and was sure they would be very nice. They probably would not even notice what she wore and as long as she was clean and tidy. Maybe the problem was that she had had cheese for supper. She was not always careful about what she ate. She liked food to be fun. She loved ice cream. Jeremy said she would get fat. That was something she had to avoid.

They had walked through a fairground once and she had persuaded him to buy her candyfloss. The fierce metallic music was playing in her ears, colours whirled by and she could hear ecstatic shrieks from the colourful little wagons that flew through the air around her. The candyfloss was tantalizing. There was a moment of sweet, delicious flavour on her tongue but it disappeared instantly. She laughed up at Jeremy but he was slightly contemptuous.

"You'll rot your teeth as well as your brains," he said dismissively. "Come and try playing a game."

He led her towards a stall where a game was about to start but it was not exactly bingo. Angela was not sure what it was. She sat at a desk that had lights and numbers on it. When someone shouted a number she searched for it but could never seem to find it. Jeremy stood over her.

"There it is, can't you see it?" His voice was exasperated. Eventually he gave up in despair. "Come on we'll play something together, I'll help you."

Angela felt stupid and disheartened. She did not understand why he could see the numbers and she could not. She had let him down again.

He led her to a colourful little stall.

"This is easy. Take these." He handed her some brightly coloured shapes. "Come on fit them into the pattern but each piece must be next to a different colour not next to a pice of the same colour."

Angela was not exactly sure what she was supposed to do but she was feeling intimidated and inferior and did not dare to ask. Colours and shapes swirled in front of her eyes. Then she saw it, a perfect shape to fit into the jigsaw. All the surrounding pieces were green and yellow. Hers was red. The shape in the middle was exactly right for her piece. She slid it into the space and it fit exactly. Jeremy roared at her.

"What are you doing? Look, look, your piece is red, all these are yellow and green."

"I know, " Angela trembled. "But you said... I thought..."

Jeremy grabbed her by the shoulders and started shaking her.

"What's the matter with you? Can't you do the simplest thing? Wake up Angela, Wake up!"

"Wake up Angela. It's after seven o'clock." Mother shook her gently by the shoulder.

Angela dragged her mind back to consciousness.

"Oh mother, I've had the most awful dreams."

"Never mind that love, you've only got an hour to get ready and you know how Jeremy hates you being late."

Angela lay back on her pillow and looked up at her mother.

"You know mother since Jeremy suggested this trip I've thought of nothing else. If I wear my suit he'll say I look like a schoolmarm. If I wear a summer dress he'll say I'm exposing too much of myself. I don't think I'll ever be able to please him."

"Don't worry so much love. I'm sure he'll settle down once you're married. After a month or so he won't notice what you wear."

"You know I don't think that would be the case with Jeremy. I don't understand what he wants. Somehow I always seem to get it wrong. Why do you suppose he's interested in me if I always disappoint him?"

"I don't know dear, but some men don't like clever women. They like to know they're the boss, you know feel superior. Not like your father!"

"No. Daddy always listens to you. I wonder if Jeremy will ever listen to me."

"Come on now luvvie," her mother urged. "You'll be late and you know what that means."

"Yes, and I wonder why I should mind so much."

Angela showered and dressed slowly choosing a pretty summer frock. She looked good in the mirror, appropriate for a young woman who was going out to enjoy herself.

When she got into town she got off the train a stop early and walked across Hungerford Bridge. The sun was shining, the river sparkled, everything looked clean and bright and full of interesting possibilities. At Waterloo, Angela was reluctant to go inside and leave the sunshine behind. She walked slowly down the steps, then, suddenly, she shook her head and laughed out loud. Turning quickly, before she could change her mind, she ran back up the steps. This time she did not fall and wake up in bed. She was already wide awake and sure of one thing: she was not going to meet Jeremy.