On January 12th, I met with my least favorite time of the year. The sky was ominous and gloomy with no slightest heavenly light peeking through the dense gray. It took me quite some time to wake up. This time, I felt no light to call me to wake up. How I missed the touch of the sun against my face, the refreshing air that I could breathe in, the vibrant rays that will send golden colors in my eyes… I rubbed my hands on my face and my brain felt dizzy. As if I was high up in the death zone of Mount Everest, struggling to breathe in the required amount of oxygen. I gave my body some time to warm up so that it could work properly. I murmured something in compliance as I dragged myself out of the heavy blankets and got dressed. My backbone cracked a bit as I yawned; my muscles felt sore and it was weakly supporting me while I walked toward my blurry window. A strong current blew against my face when I opened my window and I could feel the cruel daggers forcing me to close my eyes, sending a chill down my spine. I thought it was going to be an exceptional day, but I was wrong.
With my three layered clothes, uncomfortably wrapping around my skin, I sent out a laugh in my head because it always made me think about cartoon characters that were wearing enough coats to make them look like oversized meatballs. I gingerly took a step out of my door and a harsh force blew out of the grisly sky. I zipped my coats all the way to shield myself from the cold that kept on searching for a way to get in. Crack! I looked down as I moved my feet from their original position, discovering a small branch that’s split into halves. The naked branch left a black trace in the thick and elegant coat of white as it moved lifelessly without any will. An unpleasant noise squeaked in my ear and I immediately looked for the source. High up on the sky, the pine tree was struggling against its rival but it managed to hold itself. I felt pity for the tree because the heavy pressure of nature was pushing down on the dark green leaves and smaller branches. My breath steamed in the air as I looked up with a hand to block the fierce invisible force. My visible breath slowly reached my nose, making me feel clammy and muggy just merely for a few seconds. I tasted the air by deeply inhaling, but nothing welcomes me but the taste of tartness and brutal air. Suddenly, I had this feeling that someone was watching me and I quickly turned my head. However, I saw nothing. I shrugged my shoulders.
The sky was an ad infinitum abyss of despair and devotion. A lone bird glided in the dreary world, the bitter cold and arctic air brushed the great bird’s feathers threateningly. Swirling morning mist shyly departed just when a clash of white light followed by a loud clap rumbled in a distance. My neighbor's house cat shivered in fright as its hair on the back straightened and it quickly ran away for sight through a small door. The world itself was raging, unable to control its waves of hatred it had for centuries.
As if below the white cover was some type of cracker, When I clumsily moved along what it seemed like to be a sidewalk, cracks can be heard as my winter boots stamped on the particles in the white layer. I sighed in melancholy as I observed this masterpiece of work. I felt a substantial feeling pressured against my heart as I closed my eyes once more. The streetlamp’s light was still not out as it blanked unstably several times. Then, I noticed a dark figure appeared in the corner of my vision, this time there was no mistake. I ran toward the figure but it disappeared in midair. Splash! A translucent sharp blade fell from the end of a roof, crashing into the position I was originally at. I heard that it was very dangerous because that crystal-like substance is sharp enough to pierce through a skull. I realized that I just escaped death. Was that a coincidence?
Feeling suspicion and terror, I walked back on this unwanted day. The darkness and trepidation spread through the entire region as the fight of nature continued. It’s an eternal struggle between life and death. And I was here standing in the middle of a battlefield -- High pitched war cries can be heard within a hundred meters, branches were cut by what seemed to be magic, small things were picked up to be thrown at buildings, Crystal Missiles were dropped down from the sky, and there were so many wonders. The raw and whipping air kept on yelling at me to go back home and I fastened my steps. Sirens ringed as an ambulance quickly sped past me across a road that had been salted so much that I could almost see the chilling concrete.
I had to say that I hadn't ever felt this uncomfortable for a millennium, my face was pumped as red as a cardinal and I could barely feel my nose. Under this calamitous weather, I felt helpless, as if I was stuck inside a cage in the ocean, surrounded by hungry sharks that hadn’t eaten anything for days. Now, did I truly understand the saying “Nature is more powerful than man.” My outer coat was sticking together and I started to feel my face, arms, and legs go numb. My hair was turning white and my body started shivering. My exposed skin erupted in fiery pain as the coldness engulfed me. My vision was getting blurry, the more I walked, the slower I became.
Now, once more, I noticed the shadowy thing that was shaped like a man. That mysterious man walked in front of me, and I froze on the track. He stopped too and peeked over his shoulder, not showing his face. The man turned his head forward and then looked back at me again as he continued walking. My body condition was very poor right now and I had no choice but to follow.
After what felt like a lifetime, the shadow vanished from sight and I found myself in front of my door. I was stunned but I ran inside to take care of myself first. I found my skin unhealthy pale and my muscles tightening up. For that rest of the day, I stayed home to recover while still watching the endless battle outside my window and thinking about the person who saved my life twice.
*I don't know if I used any weather words and the "translucent sharp blade" is an ice dam*
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21 comments
Hi Tom, good effort on this one, it's a challenging prompt so I admire you for taking it on. A few others have said it here better than me, but my feedback would be to focus on a scene, just one story, and cut back on some of the descriptions. This is not an easy thing to do, I struggle all the time with it. One of the questions perhaps to ask yourself as you are editing your work is, what am I trying to convey to the reader? What do I want them to come away with? Read widely, read hungrily and learn from every piece you read. Keep wri...
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Thanks! 👍 I will think about it, it's very challenging for me to center around a theme but I know that's what makes a good story.
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I feel you, it's a tough thing to tell a story
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This is a very vivid world you've created. It was a hard prompt, so I know the struggle! But you did a good job of describing the weather (I'm undecided if the word "weather" is a "weather-related" term xD), despite the difficulty. I could imagine the bitter chill very well. I'd watch out for over explaining a moment. You can get away with describing a scene with fewer words than you think ;). Otherwise, good job :)!
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Wow, thank you very much!
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"It took me quite some time to wake up. This time, I felt no light to call me to wake up." Avoid repetitions like wake up. Try this, "It took me quite some time to wake up. This time, I felt no light to rouse me." "My backbone cracked a bit as I yawned; my muscles felt sore and it was weakly supporting me while I walked toward my blurry window." When you edit and see a cumbersome sentence, ask yourself how to clean it up. As I read I see sentences which vary between moderate and very long. You need more short sentences. Six to eight word...
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Hello C.S.! After reading your precise and specific comment on my story, I knew that it took you a lot of time, probably as long as it took me to write this story. So first, I want to give my appreciation to you. When I see the long comment you give me, I am very pleased, deeply moved by your spirit to help other people. After rereading your comment over and over again, I gather up all your 9 important tips into my notebook. I find them very helpful. Then, I come up with 3 questions that I don't know how to answer. Do you thin...
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For realistic in the depression, do lot of research. For example, railway stations were very clean and well painted in that era because the railroads wanted to appear prosperous- so otherwise idle workers cleaned and painted to keep a façade of respectability. If you don't know this fact, you will probably describe them as run down, like so much else. Buildings should vary between two extremes- well kept and beautiful (still have money) or a state of disrepair which would have caused comment in an earlier decade. A character chart is not...
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You just give me some very important insight, thank you! I think I will add more unique characters into my story, and also write a world of despair but highlighting the innocence of the main character who struggles to live. P.S. Of Mice and Men is also a classic, it's a fun book to read but it takes me some time to consider the symbol of the mouse and the theme.
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Very descriptive 👍
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Thank you for taking your time.
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Your use of descriptive language is scintillating, and the story in itself ends beautifully. The only grammatical thing, I think that you can maybe fix (that others haven't recommended yet), is the tenses. I feel like it's sort of going all over the place, where in some areas you have something that's kind of in the present, and then in some, it's in the past. Another thing that I felt was that you put the emphasis in the wrong areas. I think instead of describing the day the way you did, that description could have been used to lengthen the...
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Since I am on this account right now, I am just gonna reply. Thank you, Anvi! I have similar problems with my first story and all the rest of my work too.
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Simply beautiful. I am speechless. Kindly go through mine. https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/contests/60/submissions/35763/ Looking forward to collaborate with you.
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Yeah, same. I believe that your stories are even more eye-catching and breathe-taking. 🙂
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Wow Tom! this sure was intense and written beautifully. Anyway, I'm here from the critique circle, so here's some critique: I can't catch any grammar errors (yay you!) however I do have some content suggestions. All of your descriptions were wonderous. You truly write beautifully. However, I would tone it down a bit: shorten the story. I feel like that would make it more powerful. I like how the war and the passing of the millenium fit into it, but they kind of got lost amongst the rest of the world-building you provided. If that's what ...
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Hey, thank you for taking your time and for your awesome suggestions. I also noticed that my story needs some cuts.🧐
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Thank you! I'm so grateful you took the time to read my comments and analyze your story (that makes you a truly great author) :)
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Thank you again(lol), reading the comments and taking in the information and tips are the most important thing for me. An ancient Chinese poverb, "In a group of three people, there will always be one person I can learn from." You are a good writer too.
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Thank you!
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Please comment!
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