A Match Made in Heaven... Er... Hell

Dear Reader,

I must forewarn you that the following story does contain yadda, yadda, yadda moments. This is due to the nature of how demons speak when riled up. I cannot in good faith put in writing the atrocities that our two heroes put to word. (Heroes? Perhaps villains? Regardless, whatever they are, the things they said will not be repeated.)

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           “Caim!” The voice of the Demon Sergeant was deep, raspy, dead. Caim looked around awkwardly before he raised his hand. “Well get over here crazy. I said step forward when I call your name!”

           It wasn’t Caim’s fault per se, he had just been told his demon name five minutes prior. He put one hoof forward, then the other, stumbling forward before catching himself. Bless this demon body! It was so awkward and clumsy being caprine from the waist down. Learning to curse in hell wasn’t easy either, bless this and bless that. Damn was a good thing down here for Satan’s sake!

           “Malphas!” The call of the Sergeant rang out again, a rusty bell in Caim’s ears fuzzy, pointed ears. Quietly Malphas moved forward and took his place next to Caim. The two eyed each other distrustfully. Caim was quite jealous of Malphas for being damned with avian legs that looked much easier to get used to. Then again, Caim’s battish wings gave him an evil look that befitted a demon. Feathers were so… angelic. And who wanted to look anything like those damp rags?

           “You two are paired up. Go get your first mission from the Assignments Sergeant. Abbadon!” The Demon Sergeant continued with his list as Caim and Malphas gangled over to the Assignments Sergeant, a fly headed demon sporting slippery green frog legs. Who the Heaven puts us together? Caim thought to himself.

           “Youzzz firzzzt azzzzignmentzz izzz to…” Caim could barely understand the buzzing voice of the Assignment Sergeant as it droned on about how they were to disrupt a heavenly mission to salvage a man’s soul. Apparently, the man had been cheating on his wife and decided to finally come clean. It was a turning point in the war for his soul, and heaven was up in arms over it. Caim couldn’t believe it. Come clean? Change your ways? This microcephalic baboon was going to give up what joy he had secreted into existence. And for what? To be a good little boy scout and make it into heaven? Heaven was boring! Singing anthems and… and… Caim wasn’t sure what else they did in heaven. He was sure they sang, but what else he couldn’t guess.

           “Roger that Assignment Sergeant!” Caim and Malphas gave curt demon salutes, performed a clumsy about face and went on their way.

           “What an idjit! This guy has his woman all tricked, and he wants to give that up? Name’s Caim by the way.” He held out his hairy hand to his new feathered friend.

           “Malphaaaaws.” Cawed the avian headed demon through an awkward black beak. Caim hoped that his partner was better than the buzz brain Assignments Sergeant. “You’ve gaaawt that right. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that women gaaawta be kept in their place. Gaaawta keep ‘em in the daaawk.”

           At least he doesn’t buzz thought Caim.

           As the two made their way through the alleys and shadows of hell, they discussed their hatred for angels, their distaste for women’s suffrage, and appraised the BMV demons beautifully designed system. Twisting and turning, their journey took them closer and closer to the surface of the earth. They spoke of the keys to a good riot, the ingeniousness of the two party political system, the basics of tempting a catholic priest, as well as many other subjects you would think two newly minted demons wouldn’t quite be so knowledgeable about. As they neared the brink of our world, the two felt an odd kindred connection. It felt like one of those shitty buddy cop movies. Everything was going just right.

           Except, when they arrived at 1397 Motley Way, they entered to find the couple in question sitting down tensely in the living room. To their horror, Caim and Malphas discovered their angel rivals had already been at hard work preparing Geoff to tell his wife everything. He’d already admitted to her that something was wrong.

           “Dear Satan, we’re too late…” Caim whispered.

           “Naaawt yet.” Malphas pointed at the wife. To Caim’s horror, this young white man was married to a black woman!

           “You’re right about that Malphas! I’ll be blessed if these angels bring peace to this mixed couple.”

           It turned out our demon friends (edit: uh, let’s not call them our friends) both had a deep seeded hatred for the very idea that two people who looked anything different could be in a successful relationship. The duo was perhaps oblivious to the irony of their own disparate appearances.

           “Listen…” Geoff was saying, “Nia… I have to tell you…”

           “Oh but do you? Do you need to tell her? Think of all that ass you’d be…” Caim’s soliloquy made both angels blush, and although Geoff heard not a word, his heart and his mind found themselves wandering into the very forbidden territory of which Caim so eloquently and disgustingly spoke. Meanwhile, his spirit plummeted at the idea of giving that revolting and treasured secret up.

           “You know what helps hide a secret from a woman?” Malphas asked Caim loudly. “Impregnating her. All busy with kids, how’s she going to know what you’re out of the house doing? Eh?”

           “Now you listen here demon spawn!” The angel’s voice trailed off weakly as he heard Geoff begin to speak.

           “I have to tell you… that I was thinking maybe we should try for a baby.” The smile on Nia’s face would warm your heart if you weren’t aware of the evil behind its inception.

           “The only shame here is that there’ll be a black baby coming into the world.” Caim said with scorn. The chuckling coming from Malphus stopped.

           “Excuse me? The only shame here is thaaawt this white boy is going to put his seed in aaaw perfectly good blaaawck womaaawn” Cawed Malphas indignantly.

           The angels left, unaware of course of the brewing tempest, both their heads down in defeat. They knew they’d lost poor Geoff’s soul. It wasn’t worth staying around to see what would happen. They weren’t allowed to watch procreation.

           “Now you listen here partner. As a God, ergh, Satan fearing Klan member, I did all I could to keep the ****** down and dead!”

           “Well whaaawdya know! Pretty sure I got myself a one waaay ticket down here cutting up a few white boys myself!”

           You can imagine the direction this went as Geoff and Nia made love on the couch unaware of the arguing demons in their kitchen. It was hours later when Caim and Malphas came to an understanding that while they may never agree with each other on the matter of race, their hatred for everyone different from them would always bring the two of them together. For certain, it had brought them together in the first place. Which is to say, it got them both sent to hell.