Paracosm

September 4th, 2051

The experiment started today. The grey room is beautiful and the only window will only show night and twilight. There are some fake plants here, of course. I mean, psychology is weird, but we don't want to take any risks. We're here to experiment with reducing the effects of disorders without medication. I'm not going to lie, I'm excited about this, but I'm worried it's going to make me worse. I can leave whenever I want, so it shouldn't be too bad. Besides, the library is a safe space. We built this place from the ground up. Let's do this.

October 22nd

The project has been going well. I've left the room a total of four or five times to help clean the place and arrange for the next event. I can hear the music and chatter through the walls and they'll keep me updated through text, sending funny videos and pictures and text messages. This experiment requires honest, so I'm going to be completely honest, I do miss the events. Not that I really joined in, to begin with, but seeing the interactions, feeling the music humming through the building and the sheer feeling of control and safety I have over this place, it's like living in a real paracosm. We agreed that someone coming into the grey room doesn't violate the original arrangement so for the first time since this began, someone was in the grey room with me. They seemed really concerned, that it seemed like I was living in my own prison, but they aren't going to argue with me. As long as I feel safe, they say, they're willing to support me.

November 12 13 14 ??

I've started to lose track of the days. I have a clock in here that matches one of my favourite colour palettes, but I can barely tell if it's morning or night anymore. I keep forgetting I have a calendar on my phone. As I'm writing this, my phone is charging. I know it's November, but I'm not exactly sure what day it is. I left the room twice yesterday to clean up. I thought I was alone and I got really scared when my brother talked to me. I swear if it was possible to jump out of your skin, my skeleton would be shivering in the corner right now. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the faucet and I swear I saw it smile at me, staring at me, unmoving and giggling.  I finished what I was doing as quickly as I could and got back to the grey room as fast as I could. He was really worried and tried to check on me but I cut off all connections from the rest of the world. The grey room is all that exists here and now. Just the grey room. No one else, nothing else. For all I know, beyond these walls could be the vacuum of space.

???

I don't remember the last time I updated, but the door started rattling today. I've hidden my phone somewhere and I can't remember where I've put it. There's no place to hide anything here. No mirrors and the window is always night. It's nice watching the sunrise, the light moving along the wall, but as soon as I see it, I get exhausted. By the time I wake up, it's night again. I don't look through my previous entries. I don't want to. I don't want to know. I can look through it after this is over, but  I don't want it to affect any future entries.

???

The door was rattling today. There are shadows under the door and I shoved my shirt into the gap and curled up on the crash pad. I'm about to try and sleep before it gets worse.

February 14

There was food, a phone and clothes in my room when I woke up today. I wonder what happened to the sun? It's night all the time. My body feels heavy. Is the earth spinning fast now? My bones itch and my hair's getting in the way. There was a schedule on the phone when I turned it on. The clock said 13:02 and there was a to-do list with times and alarms set too. I took a shower and cut my hair but there were things in the mirror. My reflection wasn’t my reflection. If I looked myself in the eye, there was something behind me. The door was shaking the whole time and my body couldn’t stop trembling. I saw my body in the mirror and that was what I had to focus on. My skin looks grey rose and the shadows and dips on my body look like dark granite.

What’s dark granite?

I don’t know, it just sounds right.

My bones are so itchy and I don’t know what to do. I look like a skeleton literally wearing a skin-tight suit. I swear I can almost see my spine through my stomach and my legs feel like they might give out at any moment. I did eat today, but I can’t remember the last time I did before that. I’m so tired...I just want to go back to sleep. My heart feels like it’s too big for my chest and my tongue feels like it’s been charged and sedated all at once. My head was getting too much and I got back into the tub, turning on the water as hot as I could and letting it pelt down on my back. My skin screamed. I felt...alive.

I’m so tired. I almost fell asleep there. If I did, what would have happened?

I don’t remember much but I was dissociating badly. Someone came in and helped me out, letting me use them as a crutch as I got dressed in pyjamas. They cleaned up the mess of a hairstyle I had given myself and I fell asleep in their arms. They must have carried me back to my room because I woke up here.

I can’t remember when this all began. It feels like I’ve always lived here, like this. The forever nights, the glimpse of daylight, the neverending cycle of sleep and exhaustion.

At least the doors have stopped shaking.

April 30

The walls are painted with smoke. Isn’t it beautiful? It’s painted with smoke and smells of honey lavender. The ceiling is made of clouds and the sun never rises. I can sit and stare out the floor to ceiling window for hours and I think the plants are growing. It’s a miracle they don’t need water or light. They’re so pretty, but I wish they would flower. I wish they would glow.

Is this death or is this life? Or is it something in between never spoken of?

I don’t know, but I don’t ever want to leave. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this calm, this...awake.

I can feel the earth breathing and the heartbeat of the sky.

The moon winked at me today. I smiled back and I sang to them. The glass feels cold and frost spreads wherever I touch. I talk with Jack Frost sometimes, but sometimes no one visits me and it’s quiet.

I don’t like the quiet. It hurts me.

The phone says it’s July, but I don’t believe it. Things are much clearer today. Everything aches and it doesn’t feel like a dream anymore. It feels real. It feels like the room has gotten smaller if that’s even possible. I had my first conversation with someone today in god knows how long. I started crying and he wound up coming in and staying with me until I calmed down. He reminded me that this is just an experiment and that we’re a few weeks away from finishing. He asks if I want to stop because it seems like going forward would just do more damage to me, damage that may be irreversible. I felt weak compared to him. While I had been wasting away here, he was doing things. Big things. I’m so proud of him and everything he’s done, but I couldn’t be there for him. I couldn’t celebrate with him, I couldn’t support him. He said they had been texting me but I couldn’t remember. He asked if I ever found my phone and I asked him what he meant.

Apparently, at some point in time, I had buried my phone in one of the plant pots.

Again, he makes the offer to end the experiment and take away the room for good.

I’m too scared to say yes.

August 12

Less than a month left of the experiment. Chatting with my brother became a daily occurrence. We’ve violated nearly every original agreement to the situation. I hate it. I hate it here. The walls have eyes and they’re watching my every move. I feel like I’m going insane if I haven’t already. And if I haven’t, it’s a miracle I’ve survived this long. No music, no shows, no simulation, just occasional texting, my daily journal and alone with my thoughts. I’ve daydreamed more than anything, mapping out an entire world in the blank spaces of this book. I’ve made creatures and characters and religions and mysteries. But hey, when in doubt, have fun.

August 29

They hate me, I know they do.

Nobody’s talked to me. Nobody’s bothered to check on me.

I hear them talking and giggling.

The sky is watching me and I can hear it laughing. I can see its smile. It wants to hurt me.

Oh gods, what have I done? What have I done to myself?

I want to go home. Please, I just want to feel safe.

I want to feel loved.

September 1

My blood tastes like honey and frostbite smells like candyfloss.

September 2

I can hear you.

I can see you.

I don’t know if you can respond, but I know you’re there, reading this. You’re amused by my pain, aren’t you? You must find this hilarious. Isn’t that right?

Jack frost is coming for you tonight, riding on moonbeams. He’s going to kiss you. He’s going to make you fall in love and then he’s going to lock you away. Just like he did to me and he’s going to watch you through a window, mocking you. He’ll say he feels bad, but he doesn’t.

Don’t listen to a word that bastard says.

The moon will sing to you, try to sing you to sleep.

Don’t listen. 

Cover your ears.

Scream.

Fight it.

The sky is watching you. They know what you’re up to.

The walls are watching. They want to know if something goes wrong. They want another story to tell.

September 3

They’re coming they’re coming they’re coming they’re coming they’re coming they’re coming they’re coming they’re coming they’re coming they’re coming

My hand hurts.

Please, I just want to sleep.

Please don’t hurt me.

I’m fragile.

CONCLUSION:

Experiment: failed???

Notes: Technically speaking, the original goal *was* achieved, but not in the intended way. We will begin to reintroduce xem to the world. It will take a while, but we are going to make sure that xe is okay.

While spaces like the Grey Room can be comforting and familiar, they do more harm than good.

I’m sorry ☞︎□︎⌧︎⧫︎❒︎□︎⧫︎ I won’t let this happen to you again.

Never again.