Window of memories.

I sit in bed at 4 in the morning staring out of my clear glass window. The stars light up in the night sky as my imagination wonders, always going back to thinking of Saturn. The girl I know I shouldn't love but for some reason do. I know it's wrong to love a female, for I am a female as well.

It shouldn't even cross my mind, but somehow, her intoxicating smile acts as a drug to fuel my happiness. The stars speak to me. I know I sound crazy but I really think they talk sometimes. They tell me that I'm not weird and that my feelings are real and as clear as a glass window. 

I know I love her more than I should, but how would I tell a female that I like her? She's my friend, I don't want to ruin that. So at this point looking through my window, letting the memories of our friendship dance around in the sky as I watch with a smile, is the only relief from the constant mental pain of being so odd and unlovable. It hurts me, only getting relief from the stars. 

I let my memories fade off as I slowly give into the sleep deprived part of my mind that has been tugging on my brain telling me that I should get some sleep and be consumed by my dreams. I finally give in as my vision goes black. 

The bright sun shining through the glass was enough to let me know that it was morning. Another day in hell I guess. I put on my makeup and a matching dress dreading the fact I had to go to school. I grab my bag and say bye to my parents as I walk out the front door, heading to school.

The walk to the high school building is tiring so I'm always in a bad mood by the first period. I walk into the classroom and give a small wave to my best friend as I head to my seat. I already knew that Today was going to suck. I just sat there as my friend rambled on about random things that came to mind. 

The teacher walks in and everyone moves to their seats so class can start. As we are doing our worksheet I feel myself begin to drift off again, my thoughts interrupting my math problem solving abilities. I still can't get her off my mind. She takes up at least 80% of my thoughts at this point and I don't want her to. Why do I love her? Why aren't I normal like the rest of the people I know? Why can't I be straight?

The questions swirl around in my head until I hear the bell ring. I didn't do any of my work. “Shoot.” I say out loud to myself in frustration. I turn in my paper and start walking to my next class down the hallway. This is the first class I have with Saturn. That's the main reason I like science. I study it a lot so I seem smart in class. 

I walk in and take my seat next to Saturn's empty one. About a minute and half after I sit down, Saturn walks into the room and sits down next to me without a word. “Hey.” Saturn says, breaking the awkward silence that sat between us. “Hey.” I replied back a little too nervously for it to be reasonable. 

“How are you doing? You seem like you haven't been getting that much sleep recently.” she said to me in a concerning voice. “ o-oh I'm fine! I just have too much on my mind right now.” I said back pretty defensively. “ Are you sure? Y’know I care about you right?” she said with a caring tone of voice. “ I care about you too!” I said with a blush creeping onto my cheeks. “I know.” she responded with a smile as i turned as pink as a sunset.

As the teacher was up at the board teaching, I gave up on listening to her ramble and put in one of my Airpods and turned on my music. Saturn taps my shoulder and signals for me to give her the other Airpod so I do. She whispered a song recommendation and I played it so we could listen together.

These moments are the reason I'm still alive, I love them so much it's crazy.

As we finished up with second period I got my Airpod back from Saturn before we went our separate ways. “I'll see you in 5th period!” she yelled down the hallway before turning around and taking off to her next class, dismissing all of the stares she got from yelling. She's crazy. 

The 3rd period class passed the same as the 1st, boring and painfully tiring. I HATE history. It's so boring I can't stand the mere thought of it. Why do we have to learn about the past if it's already over?  It makes no sense to me.

The 5th period is a problem for me because it's gym. I don't have a problem with being physically active or anything, it's just the changing room. We aren't allowed to change in the stalls so we have to change in front of every other girl there. It's terrifying. Every time I just put my gym clothes on over my normal ones and then take off my clothes so no one can see my body.

After gym is ELA. My favorite class overall. I love writing. It's my only passion, it keeps me going, and I have it with Saturn. Whenever I get into 5th period Saturn is already in her seat right next to mine. We have a substitute teacher today so I guess we won't be doing anything special.

After 6th period had finished and everyone was about to head home, Saturn came up to me. She said, “hey, do you want to go to the park with me when we get let out?” “ Uh sure! I'm down to go to the park.” I said back excitedly. “Great!” 

We walked in almost complete silence until we finally got to the children's playground. We raced to the slide and obviously I came out victorious.

We were laying down in the grass side by side until the sun went down. “Do you want to spend the night at my place?” I asked quizzically. “Yeah sure! That sounds great.” she said, more ecstatic then i was. We started heading back to my place, everywhere we walked the air filled with insanely loud laughter and giggles. 

When we got to my house my parents were already in bed so we headed straight to my bedroom. Laying on my bed talking, we stayed up until almost 5 AM. Before I dozed off while staring out the window I managed to ask, “what do you think of the stars?” “I never really thought about it. I think that they are pretty and when you're outside laying on the ground they look almost as beautiful as you.”  She responded with a smile that I could hear in her voice. “I love you, Saturn.” I said as my vision faded to black.