Funny Fiction Romance

Green, statistically not Good

I regret doing it, I am aware striking a Politician is frowned upon. I have apologised, just give me the opportunity to explain Officer.

My job was the cause. Without that none of it would have happened. At least that is what I tell myself. Over and over again I attribute it to that one thing, until I almost believe it to be the truth.

Why anyone asked for the statistics related to green eyes bothered me from the outset. I am a Statistician working for a Government Department, a Department principally designed to provide as much useless and confusing information as possible on any given subject. Green eyes though? I ask you. The Jolly Green Giant would be of more interest. That is another story entirely. Did you know there is a statue in Minnesota of him?

Sorry I sometimes do go off the reservation, I’ll continue about green eyes. No reason was given to me as to why green eyes were of interest. That in itself is not unusual. I was once asked to find the origin of the assertion related to how many beans make five. When I produced the startling figure that it requires five I was told that was not the answer the Politician wanted and told to check my figures. And before you ask, no, I did not strike that particular Politician.

I do try and separate my working life from my personal life as a rule, however this subject saw them intertwining. That is where the trouble began.

Daisy and I have been dating for some time now. I understand the current term is ‘hooking up’. We do this at least once a week. Quite tiring really, Daisy likes to exercise regularly, if you get my drift. I don’t think we ever discussed monogamy, I think after the first few ‘hook ups’ it was an assumption. Then the green eye statistics took on a life of their own. The more research I did, the more concerned I became, principally for my safety.

Daisy has green eyes and comes from a Scottish background. Let me explain the significance of that combination. World- wide only 2 percent of people have green eyes, except in Ireland and Scotland, and some obscure place in China called Liquan where the percentage goes up to 86 percent. I think that is right, anyway those green eyed people in Liqan are all blonde. Why, is not part of my project, so I dismiss that as being a fact of no interest.

I digress. Sorry. The problem arises with the number of violent crimes in Scotland committed by green eyed people. A staggering seventy two percent and we haven’t even got to the Loch Ness Monster and the trouble it causes. Some could argue that 72 percent committed by a group representing 86 percent of the population is not unreasonable. They are not dating Daisy. I believe the origin of the Green-eyed Monster is attributable to the Loch Ness Monster. Whether it is a him or is a her, no-one seems to have decided.

I don’t think they are permitted to commit violent crimes in China, well not after the last lot and that certainly did not happen in Liquan anyway. Looking back in history I wonder why Rapunzel wasn’t mentioned as coming from Liquan. She had green eyes and long blonde hair. As you suggest, I’ll move on.

You probably want to know what these remarkable statistics have to do with Daisy. It is simple mathematics. Statistics and maths go hand in hand, except for Politicians. Statistically I have a seventy two percent chance of being violently assaulted by Daisy.

This increases exponentially with each assault free hook up. As there had been sixteen of those I expected an attack at any time. As if to increase my portent of impending doom I found through further research Harry Potter, Catwoman and Batgirl all have green eyes and all have a tendency towards violent behaviour. The green eyed Jane Ayre obviously kept her temper under control.  Figures do not lie. I had to act. Having a plan would have been a good start only proves hindsight is a fine thing.

Unsavoury behaviour by green eyed people always has some connection to jealousy. Even Othello was warned about its destructive power. Feeding on itself, I think Shakespeare said. Begs the question I suppose, are only green eyed citizens jealous? I’m not green eyed or jealous. Well I didn’t think so at the time. I decided to be a gentleman and get Daisy to think she made the decision to end our platonic relationship. I would do this by making her believe I have become possessive and jealous of her time spent with other people.

This was a total failure. Daisy turned the whole scenario around saying she had always been envious of me not wanting to spend more time with her. She said she wasn’t jealous, only envious. She also said she would be happier if we hooked up more often. Now I know I am in deep trouble. More hook ups mean two things, the first is I will be even more worn out physically and the second is the percentage of the time I have left before my safety is at considerable risk has risen to a dangerous level. That is to say the amount of time left has lowered but the percentage relating to probability of violent behaviour has risen. If I need to explain it’s no wonder politicians cannot get a grip on understanding percentages.

I decided to be direct. I told her I had met someone else and would not be hooking up any more. It was when she started laughing I sensed something was wrong. When she composed herself Daisy explained how she was relieved. For weeks she had been waiting for the right time to tell me exactly the same thing. His name is Dominic and he is an aspiring lawyer. She hoped we remain friends on a purely platonic basis without even the occasional hook up. Daisy also suggested perhaps her and Dominic would join me and my new girlfriend for dinner one night.

That did it. I had never met Dominic but I already hated him. The feelings burning inside me were as Othello felt in 1604. They were eating away at me. I lost control for the first time in my life and struck out at Daisy right there in the street. I missed, and struck a  Politician who was on his way to pick up the results of my investigation into the effects of green eyes. If he comes near me, I will hit him again. His eyes will be black.

August 01, 2022 05:30

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