Make Up Your Mind

“Young man, destiny has chosen you for greatness!”

Llwyd looked up from his mug to see an old man with the longest beard and the bushiest eyebrows he had ever seen was looking at him.

“Are…are you talking to me?” Llwyd asked hesitantly, looking around the tavern. There must be a mistake. Why would anyone talk to him? He was just a humble farmhand from the backwater village of Burr, the smallest village in the land of Made-Upia.

“Yes,” the old man crowed, “my boy, our kingdom is in danger! The princess has been kidnapped by the Evil Lord of Evil, who plans to feed her to his pet Minotaur. Only the chosen hero, wielder of the Macguffin Sword can save her. Will you do it?”

“Yes,” Llwyd answered, jumping to his feet. He’d always felt like he should be doing something more, now he had the chance to become a hero!

“Excellent!” The old man plopped a jeweled blade on the table, “gather what supplies and allies you need and go forth adventurer!”

…

Llwyd charged out of the tavern onto the dockyards…wait, that wasn’t right. There wasn’t so much as a pond within miles of Burr, so why was he suddenly staring out at the ocean?

“Hey, Llwyd!” Llwyd turned to see a ginger-haired youth with a freckled face running towards him, “I’ve been searching all through Salmonella for you!”

“Salmonella?” Llwyd responded, confused, “this is Burrow..I think. Who are you?” 

The ginger giggled. “Nice one Llwyd, pretending to forget your childhood friend Billy Bob. No hero can go on a quest without a goofy sidekick tagging along. Not only do I bring comedic relief but I also make you look cooler by comparison, like when you saved me from bullies when we were in the orphanage.”

“Orphanage?” Llwyd blurted out, “My parents are alive!”

“No they’re not,” A nearby fishmonger spoke up, “they were eaten by the pirate king’s sea serpent right after you were born. It’s your personal vendetta against him that drives you to complete your quest.” 

“Okay,” Llwyd said softly, a void opening up in his soul, “I guess I’m an orphan now.”

“Enough about dead parents,” Billy Bob said with a laugh, “the wizard says we must begin our voyage if we’re to find the pieces of the ancient map.”

“Map?”

“Yes,” Billy-Bob answered impatiently, “it will lead us to the Sword of Macguffin!”

“I already have the sword,” Llwyd protested, pointing down to his belt, only to find that the jeweled blade was gone. 

“You can’t have a magical sword right at the beginning of a quest,” the fishmonger said, beheading a trout, “that would be too easy. ”

Sighing, Llwyd made his way to the nearest boat with Billy Bob to begin his adventure…hopefully.

…

“You think you’re ready to go on a quest? Fat chance! First, you have to prove yourself in the ring!”

Llwyd, whose seafaring outfit had been replaced with a pair of shorts and boxing gloves, winced as his trainer (a particularly grumpy dwarf) shouted in his ear. 

“The prize is the first piece of the Macguffin Map!” The trainer bellowed, “Now show me what I’ve been teaching you all these years!”

“I literally met you ten minutes ago,” Llwyd pointed out, “hold on, who am I supposed to be fighting?”

The dwarf pointed to the figure that hopped into the ring, and Llwyd’s eyes widened.

“Billy-Bob?”

“Don’t call me that!” The ginger growled, flexing his muscles, “My name is William Bobicus, the real hero of our hometown, Swollsville. Just because we grew up in the same orphanage don’t think I’m going to take it easy on you. Once I’ve found the Sword of Macguffin, I’ll prove that the wizard was totally wrong choosing you!”

“What’s his deal?” Llwyd questioned, glancing at his trainer.

“Silly sidekicks are old news,” the dwarf gruffly explained, “childhood rivals are all the rage. Haven’t you watched any anime?”

Rolling his eyes, Llwyd put up his dukes as Billy Bob charged towards him. I just wanted to save a princess.

…

Where else could the third part of the map be located but the temple of death? And where else in the Temple of Death but a platform surrounded by a pit filled with giant, man-eating toads. Why did it have to be toads? Llwyd groaned, trying not to look down as he crossed the rope bridge. At least with this latest change he got a cool fedora.

“Hey Llwyd! What do you get when you cross a dog and a toad? A croaker spaniel!”

Llwyd glared back at Billy Bob. “So you’re back to being the goofy sidekick?”

“The third Deadpool just came out,” Billy Bob replied, “irreverent, fourth wall breakers are all the rage.” 

“Whatever,” Llwyd grumbled, “let’s just get this map piece…”

His eyes fastened on the bridge. One of the ropes was starting to fray. In a couple of seconds it would snap!

“Hang on Billy!” Llwyd cried, pulling out his whip and swinging it. The lash coiled around the bridge’s support post just as the rope gave way. Holding onto the whip for dear life, Llwyd swung towards the platform, hitting its side painfully. Groaning, the wannabe hero made the mistake of looking down. The toads they were dangling above were a LOT closer now, staring up at the two young men hungrily.

“We gotta climb!” Llwyd gasped.

“No,” Billy Bob said, his arms wrapped around Llwyd’s waist, “I’m too heavy! I’ll only drag you down! I’m…I’m going to let go.”

“What!?” Llwyd bellowed, “No, no, you can’t do that Billy, you’re my…”

Now that he thought about it, Llwyd didn’t really know Billy very well (he’d met this “childhood friend” a couple hours ago). And his eye was still smarting from that boxing match earlier. Those jokes Billy made were pretty terrible, too. Maybe it would be better if the sidekick let go.

“I respect your decision,” Llwyd said, “you better be quick before I change my mind.”

“Wait a sec,” Billy said, “there is one final thing I have to tell you. It’s a secret I’ve been keeping from you. I should have told you before. I’m sorry!”

“I forgive you,” Llwyd said quickly, trying to shake the sidekick off, “now let go.”

“It’s about the princess!” Billy said, as he slipped down, “She’s your younger sister!”

“How does that work?” Llwyd wondered, “Weren’t my parents eaten right after I was born?”

“And…she’s evil!” Billy Bob continued, “She’s pretending to be imprisoned by the evil lord of evilness when in actuality she has kidnapped the kind lord of kindness! The only way to stop her is to release his benevolent unicorn with the magical key of Macguffin.” 

“Why!?” Llwyd shouted, having officially run out of patience, “Just…why!?”

“It’s…called…a rugpull!” Billy-Bob cried as he finally lost his grip and tumbled down to the toads below. 

Billy, Llwyd thought, I will always remember…oh forget it.

…

Sitting with his feet dangling over the edge of the canyon, Llwyd took a swig of the bitter drink in his flask. Grimacing, he looked down at the streets of his hometown of…what were they calling it again? It changed so much it was hard to keep track. Metalopolis? Iron City? Gear Town! That was it! The place looked like it had been put together by some crazy tinkerer. Steampunk, one of the residents had called it. Everyone had a mechanical limb or two now, which Llwyd couldn’t fault them for since he now possessed a prosthetic eye and claw for a hand. Turning to his only companion, a dog automaton named Fido, Llwyd let out a weary sigh.

“I don’t know who’s in charge of all of…this,” He said, waving his hand at their surroundings, “but I really wish they would make up their minds.”

“BOW…WOW…” Fido answered mechanically.

“I don’t even remember what I’m supposed to be doing. Was I supposed to find a magic compass that would lead me to the legendary jewel? Or was the legendary jewel supposed to lead me to the laser sword? Am I saving or destroying the alien queen? I don’t mind going on a quest, as long as I know WHAT THAT QUEST IS SUPPOSED TO BE! Whoever’s calling the shots needs to make up their mind!” 

“You make a fair point lad.”

Twisting around, Llwyd was shocked to see that it was the old man, the one who had approached him in the tavern all those years ago.

“It’s not a bad thing to change one’s mind. In fact, many times it’s necessary. However, if one does not have confidence in themselves, they can become trapped, cycling through idea after idea without having the courage to settle on one. Ultimately, for any progress to be made, one must swallow their fear, choose an idea and stick with it. It’s the only way to move forward. So…”

The old man drew out a jeweled sword from his robe and extended it to Llwyd. “Are you ready to save that princess?”

Llwyd cast a glance back at his hometown, which was the plain, simple hamlet of Burrow once more. Smiling, the chosen Hero turned to the old man and grasped the sword in his two, whole hands.

“I was born ready. Isn’t that right, Fido…”

Llwyd’s voice trailed off when he saw that his robo-pooch was gone and a baby dragon was sitting in his place. He looked at the wizard with a raised eyebrow.

“What?” The old man said with a shrug, “Don’t you know how popular dragons are right now?”