Welcome to [REDACTED] Labs Inc.

For archival purposes only. The Assistant (H.R.A-634) was terminated after this pamphlet’s extremely short print run for failure to properly edit the pamphlet in spite of the direct order to, “never alter the word of the Director”.

Hello, and welcome to [REDACTED] Labs Inc. where our Doctors are working around the clock to help you forget about the nightmare our world has descended into! If you are reading this with the proper clearance then congratulations, you have been selected to be Born to the role of Assistant! Good for you! 

If you are reading this without the proper clearance then please destroy this pamphlet and know that your life is now under constant threat of surprise termination. That being said, if you are a member of [REDACTED] Labs Inc, please note the above but do not destroy this until after you have read it in its entirety. If you have already destroyed this, fret not, you can obtain another from your assigned Doctor. Though if you already have destroyed this you can’t very well be reading this.

Now then, we’re sure you are confused at your sudden existence but never fear (we really don’t recommend it), this pamphlet should bring you up to speed so you can begin your trial existence! Do remember this is mandatory so we encourage you to try your hardest; demotion means termination! Moving on, let’s start with our wonderful Corporation’s history, shall we?

Around [REDACTED] years ago an event called The [REDACTED] threw the world into chaos, so society fled to large Domes scattered across the wealthiest nations to continue their existence while they waited for the outside world to calm. The day has not come yet, so it is now your job to assist the Doctors while they work! Very soon we will introduce ourselves and the purpose of this pamphlet as well.  Then we will dive into The Rules and who you are!

We are Director Gooddae, head of the Head Doctors, pleased to make your written acquaintance! Let us once again congratulate you on your birth and acceptance into the corporation, unless you are still reading this without clearance in which case we strongly suggest you find whatever place you believe to be the safest and hide. 

For your promotion to be initially accepted you need to be of [REDACTED APPEARANCE] and [REDACTED INTELLIGENCE], but we are sure you are aware of that since you are reading this and mirrors still exist. Having just been Born you are unassigned but after being tested on the upcoming rules you will receive your assignment. Let us begin with the Three Golden Rules.

Rule #1: Never discuss the company.

Now, clearly this is the exception to this rule as this is learning material for the Corporation, but it must be destroyed upon completion. And we do mean destroyed, we cannot stress that enough; we wouldn’t want to find it on your corpse now would we? Surely we don’t need to explain this one further.

Rule #2: Always obey your Doctor.

Yes, we do mean always. You are just another resource for the Doctors so they might continue their research. We know you may think you have thoughts and feelings of your own but don’t worry, they will fade. However, if 30 days pass and you are still plagued with human thoughts and emotions please notify your Doctor so you can be immediately terminated. 

We are sure you are wondering why the corporation does not use robots and AI but we can assure you the answer is quite simple; the Doctors cannot experiment on something inorganic. Yes, you may be subjected to an experiment or five if you do not follow the rules properly. Yes, it might happen anyway but that is why the next rule is so important! 

Rule #3: Always make sure your Doctor has work, at all times.

They are just as much a resource as you are and this is the best way for you to avoid becoming the focus of one of your Doctor’s experiments. While not foolproof, we’re sure several more Assistants would have been lost to experiments if this rule was not in place. The Doctors are hard working and a few of them never actually need to sleep, so be sure to have a backlog of work for them at all times.

These are the three main rules that every Assistant needs to know in order to work, relatively safely, at [REDACTED] Labs Inc. Sounds manageable, right? Let’s move on to the dress code! 

The dress code:

The dress code is simple, you must match your Doctor so you can be readily identified without having to check the code on the back of your hand. Many of the Doctors have little quirks in their wardrobe that they pass to their Assistants; Dr. Sunni, for example, always wears a pair of white gloves and insists his Assistants do the same. Dr. Wattson, on the other hand, has her glove preference for more practical reasons.

As stated above you will receive a code tattoo on your hand to identify your number and color group. Well, we might not have warned you but by the time you’ve read this it has already happened! See? No reason to fear, there will be plenty of other reasons we can begin discussing now! So let’s talk about the Doctors.

The Doctors are a group of around 1200, give or take a few hundred in the events of lab catastrophes or spontaneous reproduction, Evolved Humans (focus, we will talk about Evolution in just a moment). 

It is now the goal of your existence to take care of them so they can fulfill their own existence; keeping the Remains of Humanity entertained. Yes, we are aware you are part of the Remains of Humanity… well, clones from the Remains so think of your job as also taking care of yourself by taking care of the Doctors who are working to keep the other Humans safe and entertained! It is a big job! It takes a lot of Humans just like you, performing their role, to keep the Dome running. But, enough about what you are and are not let’s move to what I am sure you have been so focused on you barely read this paragraph.

For lack of a better term the Doctors are Evolved Humans, either through their own experimentation, other Doctors’ experimentation, or sheer dumb luck. Take Dr. Sunni, the Head of the Yellow Department, for example yet again. He is the oldest member of the Corporation at somewhere around 500 years old despite his youthful early 30’s appearance! Before The [REDACTED] he ingested a fungus that seems to have granted him a form of immortality and a warped sense of physical laws but also gifted him complete and utter madness. Because he is the most senior researcher by several centuries we were persuaded to freeze his position, so while he cannot be promoted he cannot be demoted.

Dr. Sunni is, of course, the most extreme case but you’d do well to remember they all have some sort of Evolution that promoted them to their Doctor rank. It is also important to note many of them also picked their moniker based on their Evolution, such as Doctor A. Cidic and Doctor Wattson. This was not necessary but is a good source of amusement and indicator which Doctors have a healthy sense of humor (with the exception of Doctor Calvin Ward whose Evolution allows him to turn invisible but refuses to see the humor in his name despite Dr. Sunni’s less than subtle hints).

You will get to know your Doctor, and their quirks, with time and who knows? With the right amount of luck and just enough experimentation you might be promoted to Doctor, too! If you feel you are up to the task then your next steps are easy. Speak with your assigned Doctor to receive your handbook that you will fill out during your trial existence!

 If, at the end of your 30 day trial, you are still biologically alive but deemed unfit you will be terminated and a new Assistant put in your place. Please remember, you are disposable! Do your very best to prove your existence is worth it in this new, and quite frightening, world! Good luck and remember to never fear! We really, truly don’t recommend it!

Dictated but not read,

Director Briar Gooddae