Sanity Stolen

“The Great wall of China?” the investigator asked.

“Stolen,” his partner replied, turning a new page on his notepad. 

“What about the Statue of Liberty? Oh, no wait. It’s been stolen, I remember.”

“Yep,” his partner nodded. “Two weeks ago.”

“Damn!” The investigator slammed a fist at his palm. “We need to find who’s behind this, Watson!”

“Um, sir,” the other raised his head above his notepad. “For the third time, my name isn’t Watson. It’s Stewart.”

The investigator waved a dismissive hand. “Close enough.” He rubbed his chin, staring at a transparent 3D holographic projection of the Earth, with red dots indicating sites all over the world where various thefts had occurred lately. There seemed to be no pattern to them, at first glance.

“I mean, as absurd and unbelievable as it is, that someone could steal something as American as the Statue of Liberty - not to mention the physical and practical difficulty - they haven’t left a single clue! How are we supposed to do our job, if there’s no hints?”

Stewart tapped his cheek with a pencil. “We could try to run a correlation analysis of all the sites…”

“Bah,” the investigator crossed his arms. “You can’t make an omelet if you don’t have the eggs.” He hated this job, investigating. Finding who was responsible for what. It always seemed like so much work… if they only let him at least one clue, damnit!

“Could it be Gru?” A sudden idea crossed the investigator’s mind.

“Who?” his partner asked.

“You know, that bald guy with a bunch of…” No, wait. That was a movie. It wasn’t real. “Nevermind, Watson-”

“Stewart.”

“-let’s put together all the facts that we have. So!” He spinned the Earth globe, by waving a hand on the hologram surface. “What do all these thefts have in common?”

“Well, they all seem to be considered impossible to pull off, yet…”

The investigator shook his head. “Think like a villain, Watson. Not like an investigator. Everything that's been stolen this far has been a major landmark or a world wonder even! The Grand Canyon, Mt. Everest, Eiffel Tower, Taj Mahal, The Colosseum, The Uluru, the Danyang-Kunshan Grand Bridge, even the statue of Jesus in Rio for Christ’s sake!”

The investigator’s partner frowned. “I’m still baffled by how this is even possible…”

“The facts are clear,” said the investigator. “We’re dealing with someone extremely skillful and clever, for they managed to pull off the impossible, leaving no clues behind. Except for one.”

Stewart raised one eyebrow. “And what would that be?”

The investigator smiled. “Well, it’s obvious that they have to have one big garage to store all these things in, don’t you think?”

The partner blinked. “I must say, it didn’t occur to me…”

“That’s why I’m the investigator here and you’re my glorified secretary, Watson.”

“Stewart.”

“Whatever. Watson makes me look like Sherlock. Anywho, let’s go through the details of the last thefts one more time. Maybe something will show up that we’ve overlooked.”

“Very well sir,” said his partner and cleared his throat. “The CN tower in Toronto. Stolen between 04:19 and 04:23 this morning, local time. Employees report coming to work and realizing that their workplace was gone. Something must have happened in those four minutes, when nobody was paying attention to the tower. The security cameras have all been hacked, playing over a pre-recorded footage of the tower.”

“Are there any signs of deconstruction?”

Stewart shook his head. “It’s as if the tower never existed. There are no foundations left behind, the pipelines for electricity and water don’t even have an outlet for the tower. It’s… impossible.”

“Okay,” said the investigator, zooming in and out of the 3D globe. “Next one.”

“Hoover Dam. 05:15 exact time. Employees driving to work report a spectacular event taking place. I quote one of the witnesses: ‘The dam was there one moment and gone the other! It was a miracle, it must have been aliens or the government’s new secret weapon testing or even god telling us to stop destroying our planet! Oh, lord, please forgive my sins! We shall all burn in the fires-’”

“Alright that’s enough, Watson.”

Stewart didn’t even sigh.

 “As soon as something happens that requires a bit of thinking and explaining to do, people are quick to jump to the supernatural.” The investigator shook his head. “Good thing we’re here to get to the bottom of it. Alright, give me the one from Europe.”

“The one from today? Between 11:17 and 11:23 local time, there was a big thunderstorm with hail and heavy rainfall, which obscured the vision. The locals report it was a storm unlike anything they ever saw. When it passed, The Acropolis, along with the hill it stands on, was gone. In its place remained only a parking space, that nobody remembers ever building there. Again, sir. Imposible.”

The investigator cringed. “Don’t you get superstitious on me too, Watson. This is clearly some Houdini meets anonymous rich people with too much time on their hands type of thing. It’s all publicity. Maybe some extortion. Or perhaps, whoever did it, has gathered all these landmarks in their backyard, for personal monetization. Think about it, Watson! Tourists from all over the world, coming to your backyard!”

Stewart opened his mouth, but found no words to express.

“Exactly! I’m speechless myself! Quick, I feel a clue coming to me! Tell of the last and latest heist!”

“Well,” said his partner and pointed to the lights on the ceiling. “Half an hour ago, 14:37 our time, the Sun was stolen. Hence lights turned on in the middle of the day. I mean… there isn’t much to say about this one. The repercussions this will have on life on Earth… It’s insanity, is what it is.”

The investigator turned towards his partner. “What was that?”

“What was what?”

“What you just said?”

“Er, the repercussions of the Sun not shining its light and the gravity-”

“No, not that science jargon! After that.”

“Oh, em… it’s insane?”

The investigator’s eyes opened wide in realization. “That’s it, Watson. You’re a genius!”

“I am?”

“I see it now. There is only one thing that has been stolen and that is my sanity! None of this is real!”

The investigator began laughing to himself and spinning the holographic globe. His partner came up to him and placed a comforting hand on the man’s shoulders.

“You go rest now, sir. You’ve worked too hard already. I’ll take care of the investigation, don’t worry.”

“Good luck!” said the investigator and smiled away out of the room.

When he was gone, Stewart put down his notepad and picked up a phone. A few moments later, the person who was behind the thefts was on the line.

“Listen, Gru?” said Stewart. “Yeah, I think we may have overdone it with the Sun. Might be best to put it back. Good news is, we don’t have to worry about old Sherlock here, he cracked under the pressure. And you won’t believe what a brilliant idea he gave me, about landmarks in our backyard… We’re going to be billionaires, pall!”