Bigger than the whole sky

trigger warning: loss and grieving

We pulled up outside my parent’s farmhouse and grabbed George’s bag which was busting full of toys. You would think he was going for three days, not three hours. 

As we approached the front door, George suddenly had a barrage of questions.

‘I cannot wait to play Lego Star Wars with Granny.’ 

‘I know I’m sure you’ll have a lovely time.’

‘Where is it you’re going again?’

‘We’re going to a church service for Emmerson’s mum.’

‘Will Emerson be there?’

‘Yes I’m sure he will be and I’m sure his big sister will be there too.’

‘When will you be back?’

‘We’re just going to the service, and we’ll be back just after lunch.’

‘Ok’

‘Morning mum and dad we’re here’. We walked in and out of mum and dad’s favorite rooms, the living room and the office, and eventually found them in the kitchen at the end of the house. 

‘Oh morning darlings. How are you?’ Mum looked as if she was about to burst into tears.

‘Yes ok thanks.’

‘Oh I’ll just pop upstairs and show you a couple of those black jackets.’

‘Thank you.’

Mum came down with a couple of Marks and Spencer’s black jackets, both of which were an odd shape, but I gratefully took them as an option for the church.

‘Thank you. I may not need but useful just in case.’

Not wanting to speak too much for fear of welling up, we said our goodbyes and set off on the 40minute drive to a little hamlet in mid devon.

‘Ok we better go. Thanks for having George.’

‘Of course. See you later.’

We put Classic FM on in the car and chatted about who else from school would be at the service. We had just got back from holiday and was glad we weren’t away for today. It would be hard, but I wanted to be there to show our support for Ian and Emmerson.

As we got closer to Peters Marland where Ian and Emmerson lived and where the church service was to be held, we had jinxed ourselves by uttering ‘I hope we don’t get stuck behind a tractor’ and in true farming territory style a huge combine harvester being driven by what looked like a 14 year old pulled out in front of us, waved and we slowly followed it up the narrow winded lanes to our end destination. and we were stuck.

‘Typical, I hope we’re not late’

‘There’s nothing we can do. Darling do you have some cash for a donation?’

‘Oh yes.’

As we eventually pulled up and parked on a lane near the church with ten minutes to spare, we realised that the hearse had already arrived. 

‘Oh damn it.’ 

Walking up the treacherously slippery path to the church, we were met by some very friendly faces’ good morning, are you family or friends?’

‘Friends’ 

‘Ok let me take you through. You’ll be by the front.’

The church was heaving and absolutely freezing. You could see everyone’s breath hitting the cold air like a room of smoker’s who felt the need to chain smoke to get through this hideous event. Where were Ian and Emmerson? Don’t cry, don’t cry. As I saw them at the front, we were led up onto the right of the altar and to my shock we were sat in front of Kari. We nodded to Ian and Emerson as we walked past but I was conscious not to look at them too much. I couldn’t believe it. We were sat opposite the whicker coffin showered in beautiful flowers. Oh, my goodness. I cannot believe she is in there.

I turned to the left of the pew to scan for others from school but could only see two other mums. I knew Dani was also there somewhere, but I would’ve thought someone from school would have attended. Where were all the other mums? I had a quick look at people’s faces. Lots of people I didn’t know but who looked full of disbelief that such a young girl was lying here.

The vicar welcomed everyone and explained that there would be some music choices from the family throughout.

And then this familiar song started…

We'll do it all

Everything

On our own

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I was very conscious that Ian and Emmerson were in my eye line, but I couldn’t control myself. It was the line ‘would you lie with me’ and I felt myself heating up and my lip starting to wobble. Kieron looked at me and grabbed my hand …offering me a hanky. This is horrendous. Why has a girl of forty-three, a mum to Emmerson who is only seven been taken?

I could see dear little Emmerson clinging to his dad and shaking with sadness. 

The vicar then spoke about how we shouldn’t be here, but that Ian and Emmerson and Kari’s family were so grateful to all of us for all their support over the most difficult 3 years. He then said Ian would like to speak.

I couldn’t believe that Ian had the strength to stand up and deliver the eulogy.

‘Good morning, everyone, 

Emmerson and I and Kari’s family would like to say thank you so much for coming today. We also want to say thank you for all your support over the years. Coming back from the hospital, quite often late in the evening, to find a cooked meal waiting for us or the texts late at night, checking in to see how we were all doing. I can’t thank you enough.

But I also want to talk about what Kari accomplished in the past couple of years. 

When we received the life changing news two years ago, Kari wanted to enjoy as much life as possible. She travelled more than anyone I’ve known. She went to Iceland, Egypt, Pisa, Berlin, Spain, America. She didn’t want to be held back by her illness. She wanted to see as much of this world as possible. She also encouraged others to enjoy as much life as possible. Her good friend and nurse at the hospice Sally mentioned to Kari that she had always wanted to do the three peaks challenge and Kari said she had to do it and so today that is where she is. Climbing Snowdon. She wanted to do it in honour of Kari. With that I also want to give a special mention to North Devon Hospice. For anyone who has experienced hospices, they really are amazing. A real home experience. They organized high teas for us, film nights, pizza nights. They are amazing. 

I also want to mention kari’s accomplishments. I don’t know if many of you know but she was amazing ballet dancer and at the age of ten, she won a place to the Royal College of Ballet in London. But she didn’t take it because she didn’t want to leave her Dad. You see, family was everything to Kari. She loved nothing more in sickness and in good health, to go to the beach and enjoy swimming in the sea or go for a stroll and get an ice cream with family.’

At this point, I looked up and could see her dad with his head lowered inconsolable.

Ian then continued.

‘I think many of you will know how much fun Kari was and also how competitive…this mostly involved a beverage or two.’

I could hear laughter.

‘One evening after a BBQ with friends and after everyone had left, Kari challenged me to a game of ‘shoot the beer cans.’ She lined the empty cans at the bottom of our garden and said that for every missed show, we had to lose an item of clothing.’

To which a louder ripple of laughter carried across the Church.

‘And of course, as an ex- marine, I was confident of my shot. I was quite surprised at how good a shot Kari was especially after so much tequila. To say I was just wearing socks at the end came as quite a surprise.’

Smiles and laughter as well as tears continued.

I’ll finish by saying, Kari you were my best friend, my partner in life, my lover, my wife, mum to our wonderful son. I shall love you every day till I die, and you won’t be forgotten.’

And then the tears flowed across the church and the service came to a close.

No words appear before me in the aftermath

Salt streams out my eyes and into my ears

Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness

'Cause it's all over now, all out to sea

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

You were bigger than the whole sky

You were more than just a short time

And I've got a lot to pine about I've got a lot to live without

I'm never gonna meet

What could've been, would've been

What should've been you

I smiled at the fact Taylor Swift had made it into the service. 

And with that, Ian, Ian’s brother and Kari’s three brothers approaches the altar to prepare to life the coffin.

As we left the church, I saw Dani. Both of us with blotchy faces from all the crying.

‘How are you?’

‘Oh goodness that was so sad.’

‘I know. Shall we grab brunch later this week? ‘

‘Yes. I need to jump on a work call’

When we get back to Mum and Dads, George has had a great time. My Aunty and Uncle has come over to see George and ask how the service was and how sorry they are.

‘It was awful but I’m glad we were there. Ian’s eulogy was amazing. I don’t know how he did it. ‘

On March 21^st, it will be a year since Kari’s passing. When someone passes at such a young age it is so shocking and heartbreaking in equal measure. It shakes the foundation of your belief system. Why? Why her? And because Emmerson is so young, it makes you think about what would happen if something similar happened to you.

In the past year, I think about Kari alot and ‘see her’ in so many parts of my life. When I drive up to school, I see the spot where she used to park. She would always greet me with a huge hug and call me ‘lassy’ in her soft Jordy accent. Ian now parks in the same space and Kieron and I always stop and give him a big hug. Kari always had time to stop and chat even though she was in a lot of pain. I always felt guilty for browsing around the shops even though it used to be one of my favourite things to do. She loved clothes and always looked immaculate at school events and children’s parties. Quite often I look up at the sky and think of her. I tell her that Emmerson is fine, and we are checking in on them both regularly.

We have Ian and Emmerson over regularly for lunches and talk openly about Kari and some of the cheeky things she loved and the arguments she used to get into at school as a former teacher who felt she knew better than some of the teachers.

I look at the messages she sent me late at night when she was always trying to encourage Emmerson and George to get involved in sports, something she loved herself. She wanted to leave her mark, and she certainly has.