Surprise!

I, Pablo Rafael Sabina Dalmau, of Starbourgh Bay, Ontario, being of sound mind and body, do hereby declare this as my last will and testament.

A somewhat wobbly hand moved to lift the cup of tea next to him to his lips as he thought over what he was doing and if he really had to do it. The current version of his will gave everyone something to be happy about, but then again, knowing his beneficiaries meant knowing that that wouldn’t be enough, which made him quite much more than unhappy.

I revoke all former wills, codicils and testamentary dispositions made by me.

He’s more than aware of how that boiled down to being entirely his fault, his initial efforts of wanting them to have it better than he did somehow morphing over time to him wanting them to have it better than everyone else, wanting them to be the best.

I declare that I am married to Yvette Camille Sabina.

Ah, Yvette. She, perhaps, is the only one he may end up feeling a little bad for at the end of this, but that was purely from the attachment he still held to their youth. 

When they met, he was merely a Spanish business major with a decent grasp of the French and English that flowed so elegantly out of her blood-red lips, but she was something else. Sharp, was the watchword. Dangerously so. But no matter how many times she cut him, no matter how deep, he always ran back for more.

Dumbass.

I appoint Louise Saito-Steiger, of Starbourgh Bay, Ontario, to be the executor and trustee of my will: provided that if she shall die either in my lifetime or before or after my death but before the trusts hereof have been terminated, or be unable or unwilling to act or continue to act as such executor and trustee, or cease to be a resident of Canada within the meaning of the Income Tax Act, then I appoint Anaya Ranganathan, of Starbourgh Bay, Ontario, to be my executor and trustee of this will in the place and stead of the initial executor and trustee.

Appointing detectives as his executors was really nothing more than a safety precaution, the tempers of his beneficiaries being well-known as something not to take lightly.

For the fees and expenses of my debts, obligations, funeral and wake arrangements, I appoint Chester Nathaniel Ashe.

Because fuck that guy.

In the event of my death, I wish for all of my clothes to be donated to the Salvation army.

Now it’s time for the, shall it be said, controversial, portion of their future afternoon to begin.

I wish for all of my novels, books, journals and general literature to be divided and donated amongst the libraries of Starbourgh Bay.

Once again, nothing to truly be upset about, the majority of them only ever viewed the books as decorations or props to make them look smart.

I wish for my shares of Sabina Sails to be distributed amongst William Ian Christie, Ann Rita Palin and Joseph Charles Connelly.

Whoomp! There it is!

Pablo couldn’t help himself; he let out a large cackle. Now, to someone who isn’t Pablo, this isn’t particularly funny or exciting as they don’t know who William Ian Christie, Ann Rita Palin and Joseph Charles Connelly are, but the thing is, neither does he. He didn’t even know they existed until he made his assistants run through the logs to find out who their top customers were.

Cursed with a slew of ungrateful children and an unfaithful wife (although to be fair to her, it’s not like he hasn’t had his own handful of affairs, but at least all of his were with people old enough to feel at least somewhat nostalgic while watching That ‘70s Show), he’s decided to make his final wishes dedicated to being a major fuck you! to all of them.

I wish to leave my shares of The Critique to Mabel Sylvia Crocker.

He picked her because the last time he stopped by The Critque, one of her fellow employees accidentally(?) mispoke when he said her last name and Pablo is that childish.

I wish to leave Alma’s and a sum of two thousand dollars to Alma Rosalind Adler. 

Alma’s, a bakery named after his late sister, was perhaps the only one of his possessions that he truly cared for anymore, just like how his granddaughter, also named after his late sister, was the only person left in his family that he didn’t want to throw into traffic.

I wish for all of my money …

The image of his entire family sitting on the edge of his (because let’s be honest, there isn’t a single thing in that entire damn house that wasn’t paid by him) seat, eager to hear their own name follow.

save for the sum of twenty dollars …

They’ll understand that once the anger and shock subsides after this one.

to be donated to the following …

He can practically hear the screams, 

the Starbourgh Bay Catholic and public school boards,

the feel the anger,

the Starbourgh Bay soup kitchens,

the disbelief,

the Starbourgh Bay Shelter House,

the (in his opinion,) unjustified betrayal,

Fitzwilliam General Hospital,

the tears,

and Myrtille University,

and it feels absolutely fucking euphoric.

He paused before continuing, placing down his pen to stretch his hand. Picking it up once more, he began to write out the remainder of the will, which was mainly dedicated to keeping his family from suing over being left out.

  The aforementioned remaining twenty dollars is to be evenly distributed amongst the following people: Yvette Camille Sabina, 

If only he could see her reaction …

Julianne Olivia Russo, June Michelle Adler,

His eldest children, fraternal twins. Despite being the only ones that can remember a time pre-money/big, fancy house/expensive cars/servants/everything else he should’ve never given them, they may be the most spoiled.

Alejandro David Sabina,

Although there is something to appreciate in the fact that he relied on the least of Pablo’s money, there’s something infuriating in the fact that he only did this by moving out immediately at eighteen and not talking to any of his relatives since.

Thomas Roland Sabina, Paulette Alice Sabina-Silva, Eugene Leon Sabina-Rankin,

Like with Alejandro, there is a bit of a positive to their situation. On one hand, it’s nice that they want to work in the family business, but on the other, the fact that they just automatically expected for the job to given to them made him want to toss them all out onto the curb.

Chantel Elizabe

He crossed out the name for what must’ve been the thousandth time in the past thirty years, the result of a poor memory, a refusal to use modern technology for most of his work, and whatever amount of cocaine she decided to snort that night.

Annabelle Grace Russo,

His eldest granddaughter. What a bitch.

Edward Daniel Russo,

His eldest grandson. What a piece of shit.

Josephine Vivienne Sabina, Questa Quinn Sabina, Vincent Peter Sabina,

If he’s being honest, Pablo literally has no idea whos kids these are. If he’s being entirely honest, he doesn’t really care.

Petra Jeanne Silva, 

Wait, does he have to leave anything to those that were adopted in? Should’ve thought of that earlier. Damnit.

Tomothy Michael Rankin, Thimus James Rankin,

Twins like their aunts and dumb like their father.

and Camilla Joanne Sabina.

Finally, his six-year old great-grandaughter, courteousy of … one of them. 

As he wrote out the ending, he couldn’t help but smile. His thoughts swirled and he felt a jolt of excitement run through him as he finished, making him barely notice the sound of the door open and shut ahead of him, signifying it was time for him to take his medication.

Tucking his will into an envelope, his will was signed, sealed and ready to -

BANG!

- never be delivered.