Vengeance, guilt, revenge, pain

TW: gore, murder

I stood there in my dimly lit room. That was one of the few things my mother allowed me to choose...the lighting of my room. Not that it mattered. I just wanted something to match my dimly lit world. I was staring at the mirror. I never used to do that. I don’t go out of the house much. And I am never told to dress to impress. However, I would glance at it once in a while. This time I look way different. There was a pool of blood at my feet. My shirt was dripping with cold red blood. My white shirt was badly stained, I wouldn’t be able to wear it again. It's fine, I’m sure the jail will provide something similar. Looking at my reflection again, I didn’t look clean on the outside, with the bloodstains and all. Nor did I look clean on the inside, my brain was sick with revenge and pain, my heart was heavy with vengeance and guilt at the same time. 

Vengeance, guilt, revenge, pain

Such familiar words

10 May 2004

17 years ago

She hated me the moment I was born. She didn’t want a girl, she didn’t want my father, she was a selfish beast.

24 October 2018

I was 14.

She did it. I knew she did. I was standing in the rain, no umbrella, dressed black from head to toe. Looking down at the one person who I loved, my father. I turned my head towards the devil on my left. She was smoking a cigarette, expensive clothes, heavy umbrella. “Why’d you do it? What did he do? What is wrong with you?”I choked out tearful words. I was hurt. “Oh Laura, I had no choice. HE made me do it”, she said with a chuckle while pointing at my father’s grave. “He would have destroyed my reputation, our reputation, baby. I really don’t know how he found out about Matt in the first place. Our affair was pretty private. Oh well”, she said and left the grave. That's when I knew she would never care for me, she didn’t have a heart. She had what she always wanted from my father, his fortune. Now, she was going to use me too, I just knew.

10 January 2020

I was 16.

“I’ve had enough. I’m hurt all over. You said it was just for a while”, I yelled at my mother’s face. She wasn’t even my mother anymore. I didn’t know her. I didn’t want to. “I did but you’re such a demand, dear. Everyone wants you. I mean you are a woman after all”, she replied coolly. The day after my father’s pass, she used me just as I assumed. I was ushered to a room with a man. It happened almost every week. It took me a while to realise I was set up for prostitution. “You are a woman too. Why don’t you take my place?” I screamed. “Laura, honey. You need to know that there are three types of women, the one who makes her own money, the one who makes money out of her husband and the one who is used to make money. I’m in between one and two and you are definitely three”, she told me. She really did despise women even though she is one. “Now, go back to your room. Someone is on his way. Go on now, chop chop”, she resumed counting the wads of cash on the table. MY wads of cash. She was definitely going to pay for this…

8 March 2021

Yesterday

My plan was simple. Go in, stab her. D-O-N-E. Yes, I will be going to juvenile but I’m a minor, I’ll be released soon. Then I will be truly released. My hands were shaking as I picked up the knife from the counter. Yes, I hated her. I didn’t see her as a mother. But I was still committing a murder. A wave of thoughts from all the previous years relieved my fear. She deserved this, Laura. You have to be the one to do it, I told myself. The devil was asleep. She wouldn’t fight me. She’ll be weak. I was doing this.

As I took a step to the master suite, the floor creaked. Was this a sign I shouldn’t be doing this? Was this a call? I questioned my intentions but didn’t slow my pace. In fact, I quickend it. Let’s get this over with. I opened the door and there she was. A selfish soul. Arrogant, rude, evil. Sleeping soundlessly on a bed that was once my fathers. As I walked to her, I was deep in thought. Each step was torture. Not because I was hesitant. It was because of the freedom I’ll be getting. All the vengeance will be fulfilled, the guilt will be non-existent, the revenge will be completed, the pain will stop. I raised my knife and aimed for the stomach. Why? That's where she carried me. I couldn’t help but choose that spot. 7 times I stabbed her. Each time I yelled. Gluttony, she ate like a pig. Sloth, the world had to wait on her. Wrath, always yelling. Envy, no one could be perfect but her. Pride, useless pride. Greed, she stole all my father's money. Lust, I don’t need to explain. Blood gushed out of the fresh wound. Her screams of agony filled the four walls of the house. I wasn't afraid because there was only my maid, Madeline in it. She hated her as much. She didn’t mind. My mother was still alive but weak and unconscious. To finish it, I stabbed her heart twice. One for me and one for my father. My work was done when she took her very last breath.

“Madeline, do it”, I yelled from upstairs. Our plan was she would call the cops on me. It was fine, I needed jail. It was midnight, so said the chime…

Present

I didn’t mind my appearance. I was actually pleased. I finally did something that was entirely my choice. And there’s no turning back. She disrespected my father, me and my gender. I wanted to live as a strong woman. She’s not going to stop me now. I’ve proved to her that women are more than just objects to men. “I hope you’re proud, mother”, I whispered gleefully under my breath. “They’re here, Laura”, Madeline warned me. “Coming”, I replied calmly. I looked in my mirror one last time. I’m in fresh clothes, a knife beside, my hands still bloody. Hmph, I smirked at my reflection. Little did the men downstairs know that this girl had more to come. It was the first of many. 

Vengeance, guilt, revenge, pain

I was wrong, they’re going to be with me forever