The Anatomy of Pain



"So this is what coming home is all about? I thought you'd all be glad to see me in one piece…"

"Believe me, we are," Maria said.

Except that Olivia, our other sister, had a more pressing concern which needed "settling" - before I finally go home to the province. Ahead of anyone else who might have gotten to Mom earlier than we could manage.

Maria was sitting right next to me, drinking her last refill of iced tea. It's like I hadn't even got to feel the warmth of their reception and there we were, huddled together in a restaurant, brooding over a plan on how to tell Mom.

"So where's the woman of the hour?"

"Still grinding at work," Maria said. "Her boss didn't let her go on a day off today. But she already knows you're here …"

Turned out, Olivia was roughly four months pregnant. For the life of me, I didn't even anticipate she had a boyfriend! Apparently, the three siblings (Olivia, Maria, and Brady - who's also in the province) had concurred to just wait for my return. The reluctant firstborn, I always thought being one sucked the humor out of me. And to make matters worse, the beau had earlier sent a message that he also, won't be able to make it. "Oh, great!"



*****

The attending physician had insisted that Olivia undergo a caesarean procedure. From what I overheard before they wheeled her inside the maternity room, the baby was too big for normal delivery - according to her sonogram. Anxiously hunched over just behind the door of the operating room, all I could do was pray. Benjamin was born with thick hair. Weighed more than nine pounds at birth. No wonder his mother looked miserably exhausted and in excruciating pain the next time I saw her lying in bed. Wearing a pale blue, worn-out hospital gown. There's an IV line bandaged to her left wrist that was dripping fast.

Watching her made me acknowledge her uniqueness as a human being all over again. And at that very moment, I believed we're "wishing on the same star." That everything would work out sooner. The way she carried herself through it all, how she struggled - to get on with the pregnancy despite her fragile relationship with the father of her child; to somehow get used to the uncomfortable silence between us, her family; and to turn a blind eye to the judgemental glare of others.

*****

She looked ridiculously awkward the first time she breastfed him, that I cracked up and she scowled at me. But together we marveled at the sight of his first-ever smile and giggle, his "windy farts" as she called them, and all his other developmental milestones as a baby.

We would look at each other in fascinating acquiescence as he shifted from one sleep pattern to another, gobbling up four to five bottles of his formula before dozing off. Olivia was teary-eyed when he bawled on his first vaccination shot. And on how he whimpered during his first teething experience.

I had attended to him not only when he's sick, but for most of the time when his mother had to go to work - around three months after she gave birth.

"Look here," she said. "You know I have to do something. I mean, find a job and..."

"Go ahead...do what you have to do. I guess it's entirely up to you now…"

*****

Our first encounter with Ben's biological father was - well, civil, to say the least. Olivia introduced him to us on Valentine's Day, when she was about seven months expecting - too full for a tummy to pass unnoticed. He was a truck driver, according to her. They met, and later on, got involved in a serious relationship while in Manila. Where Olivia was working at that time. He was supposed to return, as he had nonchalantly vowed, on the 10th of March, that very same year. Because it's his birthday, they told us.

Until April came and Ben was born, not even a shadow of the guy she counted on. We were oblivious about what transpired between him and Olivia. But we hadn't heard from him since then.

*****

She would seldom open up about Ben's father. I surmised she was even trying to refrain from the subject. And I respected that. In the same way she deferred to Mom's composure the day she divulged she was going to have a child with him.

She'd tell me how her day had been at work, who she met. And who she's dating.

"Gab, aren't you mad?" She asked.

"Is there any reason to be?"

"...because I'm seeing another guy …"

"Isn't it time to move on?"

"Well, yeah...I guess so…"

She wanted so much to give Ben a "normal life." To provide for him, send him to a reputable school when it's time. And if she reckoned she'd do better with a life partner, so be it.

*****

Sam looked like a decent guy. Not only by his physical attributes but also by his eagerness and sincerity to know Olivia and her family beyond what's seen on the outside. He was surprisingly present at Ben's christening. Then again on his first birthday. For which Olivia got enthralled.

"Easy does it, girl," I told her rather smilingly.

Chuckling, she replied, "Oh, I am. It's just that..."

"What, come on, fire away."

"Mom. I think I pissed her off. I messed up but... you know what I mean. It would've been...more okay with me had she got angry and howled at me the day we told her I was pregnant. Instead of… giving me the cold shoulder…"

"What? My goodness, Olivia...that was a long time ago. Give her a break!"

*****

The ischemic stroke Mom had undergone left her partially paralyzed. She could walk alright but she's still dragging her left foot. I couldn't imagine how it must've been for her to see Olivia tussling with motherhood - without an iota of assistance from Ben's biological dad. Furthermore, we're all aware of her uncompromising love for Ben. That it'd be somehow far-fetched for her to still harbor any ill feelings toward Olivia - if indeed she had.

*****

I couldn't speak on behalf of them. What they thought of Ben's dad, or of Sam for that matter. Or how have their individual lives been impacted by a course of upheavals and enormous trials in the family, without sounding negative.

Kuwait had been my home for seventeen months. There wasn't any immediate plan to return home due to the soaring financial obligations on the home front. Mom was receptive to my intention to stay longer than two years, even after the expiration of my two-year contract (which was renewable, anyway) with my Kuwaiti employers.

Yet a bunch had occurred while I was there. Brady moved out of the house with his wife and daughter to start a family of his own, which was reasonable. Except that Mom and the girls had to be left behind. I was trying to save up for Maria's first year in college. However, Mom had a stroke. Then the war between Iraq and Kuwait erupted. And interrupted everyone else's timetable.

I imagined nobody would want to get trapped in a battle that wasn't even ours to fight in the first place. So I joined the thousands who flocked to the embassy, hoping for peaceful repatriation. Traversed the deserts for days and nights from Kuwait City to Amman, in a convoy of buses filled with frightened faces. All roads, bridges, and checkpoints were loaded with guns and anti-aircraft missiles, manned by heavily-armed soldiers.

*****

Clearly, " where there's smoke, there's fire." We heard through the grapevine that Olivia had a couple of times attempted to reach out to Ben's father. Yet to no avail. It's also been said that the guy was previously married, long before Olivia came into the picture. Whatever it was - truth or hearsay, I opted to just leave it between them. In law school, it's "moot and academic" anyway.

*******