Mum friend

I clearly remember the first time I met Helen.

I'd been completely out of breath, tongue almost hanging out like a Labrador Retriever trying to sweat, while walking up the three flights of stairs to the room of doom. Who puts an antenatal class on the third floor? Tell me who? And also get your lift fixed!! Even my seven-month-old bump looked like he wanted to make an early exit. I'd picked up my husband, Kieron at Stonegate train station near our home in Ticehurst and we had driven the fifteen miles to Tunbridge Wells for an evening of chat about gore and childbirth. What was I thinking?

Kieron was completely skeptical that in six sessions we'd learn anything useful. He kept saying 'Three hundred quid lighter for a birth plan in effect? I tell you what my plan is...send your mother in and I'll head to the pub with the boys'. To such a charming response I'd simply replied 'Look darling, let's just try and see how this one goes. If it's awful, you don't need to come to the next one.' Wow look, I've already nailed the parenting lingo.

We'd entered the compact room at the back of the Mercure Hotel near Tunbridge Wells, Kent. There were eight mummies, eight daddies, eight bumps of all shapes and sizes and a rather nervous looking lady welcoming her next set of victims.

Miranda, looked up nervously and greeted us with ‘Hi! Welcome’ but it was clear she couldn’t get a word in. A very ‘horsey’ girl, you know the type, 'all the stable talk but no stirrups', was making it clear that in fact Miranda was in fact a sounding board. The jodhpur girl knew everything there was to know about babies. She knew exactly how her labour was going to go as she had a ‘radiologist’ in the family. She said with some assurance ‘I am probably going to have to stay very close to the hospital in the next eight weeks as my little girl is bound to come early. I was early, my brother was early. Everyone in the Kensington- Brock family has been early. My mum said it’s because we’re hard workers. We haven’t got time to stay in utero. We gotta get on.’

Oh, its comments like that which will get me through the next six sessions. Was her name really Kensington- Brock or had she made it up for this course? Also was she putting on airs with that accent? Gotta get on. I love it. Was that a bumpkin twang at the end?

As the ninety minutes continued with details of the gruesome bits, Little Miss know it

all kept interjecting with her pearls of wisdom and I looked across to a rather neatly presented girl with a fab blond bob and a wicked smile. We both caught a glance of each other and smirked.

I’m glad I’m not the only one that’s finding this hilarious. I’m really not sure who is

leading this course and if I’ve listened to anything. 

Miranda turned to the group and said ‘Right mummies and daddies, I thought we could do an exercise. Did someone groan 'oh not homework!' or did I imagine that? I’ve got some cards here with the stages of labour on them and in two groups I’d like you to work together to put them in order. Kieron and I were in a group with Helen and her husband Rich or as Kieron fondly named him ‘beaker’ after the session due to his rather scientific appearance and coif of ginger hair.

‘Hi’

‘Hi, nice to meet you.’ 

‘Where do you guys live?’ asked Helen. 

‘We’re in a little village called Ticehurst, about ten miles from here. What about you?’

‘Well, we’re moving this week from London to Wadhurst so we’ll be just down the road from you. I don’t know what we were thinking moving while I can barely move.’

‘Oh, I’m sure you’ll be fine. It’ll be worth it in the end. Let me know if you need any help.’

Another couple in their group were quite quiet and I caught a distinct smell of must and whisky.

‘Hi, we’re Alice and Duncan. Pleased to meet you.’

‘You too’ 

Duncan pulled a small black notepad out of his jacket and starting to jot something down.

Looking intensely up at me he asked, ‘Do you know if we can ask someone to fetch us drinks, snacks during labour?’

‘I don’t think they provide that level of service.’ I replied. 

‘Right. Going to be a long one then.’ Duncan turned to Alice who gave him a rather

pitiful look.

During the next few weeks, the couples turned up and were shown how to breastfeed, what to expect when the baby arrives and how to get into a routine. They all swapped numbers and Little Miss efficient, Pippy gobby- stockings as Helen and I

secretly named her, set up a WhatsApp group.

About a week before I was due to pop, I had a text from Helen suggesting a

coffee and cake at a nice little deli halfway between them both. 

I squeezed my humongous bulge behind the wheel and was so pleased to

see Helen’s smiley face. She had such a calm aura compared to the rest of the

antenatal group. We found a cosy sofa in the corner of the cafe and slowly sipped my decaf cappuccino.

‘I can't wait to have a fully caffeinated coffee.'

'ooh I know and a huge glass...sod it a bottle of Rioja'

'So how did you meet Rich?’

‘At work. I was temping in his office, and we struck it off at an office trip to the pub. It all happened very quickly. We got married after a year and then on my honeymoon

discovered I was pregnant. I was a little bit disappointed as we were staying in a

gorgeous vineyard in Tuscany and the thought of booze made me feel horrendous.'

'What about you?’

‘We met in Bath, years ago. We were out with different friends and ended up in the

same pub. Kieron said he saw me across a crowded room, but he couldn’t work out how to approach as I was sat next to lot of genetically gifted men. My friend rowed in Bath and had invited her 'crew' out. He then saw me again later that night in a nightclub. He came right up to me, shook my hand, and offered to buy me a Smirnoff

Ice. Such a cheap date. Ha! That was about fifteen years ago.’

We then spoke about so many things and realized we had so much in common, from exercise: running and yoga being two firm favourites to reading lots of fiction and writing. I discovered Helen had published a collection of poetry.

‘Wow that’s so impressive. You’ll have to send me some of your poems.’

‘You’ll have to have a go at writing. You’ve read so much.’ 

We then talked about TV shows with US Medical dramas being a firm favourite for

us both. 

'Keep the blood in! Take the infection out!'

'Dr McDreamy, meet you in the supply cupboard in 5.'

'Ha'

‘Wow. I can’t remember anything about those antenatal classes, but I do remember

what Miranda said about trying to carve out some time each day for us even if only for ten minutes to breathe. I thought we could check in with each other when the bubbas arrive maybe weekly to see how we’re doing?’

‘That sounds great! We’ve got this. It’s what our bodies are built for.’

‘Gosh you’re so positive.’

‘Ha! I won’t be saying that when bubba arrives.’

As we left each other, I felt a warm fuzzy feeling that I’d really found a friend with so

much in common. With a lot of their group, she felt the only thing they had in common was that they were having their first babies. She also found some of the husbands in the group completely wet which really irritated her especially with all the hormones flying around. 

I was taken in for a ‘sweep’ to get things going and immediately messaged

Helen about it.

‘It wasn’t too bad if you have one. It didn’t seem to work though so I’m going to have to go into hospital to get started tomorrow.’

‘Wow good luck. It’s because he’s so cozy.’ 

‘Ha! He probably doesn’t want to meet his crazy parents.’

‘That too.’

Once in hospital, things progressed quite slowly and after a bit of intervention at the end with forceps our gorgeous big boy came into the world. 

After two days in hospital, Rebecca, Kieron, and baby George headed home. 

When settled at home in the spare room with baby, I sent Helen a message as

she knew she was due imminently but didn’t hear. She’s probably busy pushing baby

out at this moment.

A few days passed and I felt completely fidgety, checking my phone every so often to hear news from Helen. The group WhatsApp had been very busy with pictures, gruesome details about births and then a little picture popped up.

Baby Otis born at home, delivered by Daddy.

I then received a separate message saying ‘mmmm, yes wasn’t expecting that.

I’ve told Rich to watch some porn to get over the shock of it all.’

‘Oh, my goodness you’re both warriors. Listen don’t worry about messaging. We can

catch up when you’re ready.’

However, the next few weeks were a complete blur of sleep deprivation, feeding and

nappy changing but it was made more enjoyable by the daily messages from Helen.

‘How are you today? Can we send them back? lol!’

Rebecca felt that Helen brought out her inner calm and she enjoyed providing

reassurance to her when she was constantly worried that Otis had colic.’

After four weeks of parenthood, Helen suggested an outing. 

‘Shall I come to you, and we can walk around the reservoir?’ 

‘Perfect. See you when I see you.’

They both realized committing to a specific time was pointless.

Helen looked as fresh as a daisy when she appeared at the door, baby snug in his

Bjorn.

‘He is gorgeous. Well done you and well done Daddy for delivering him safely. You’ll

have to tell me all about it.’

With both babies bundled up and drifting off for a sleep, the proud mums headed to the center of the village to grab a takeaway coffee and brownie ready for their stomp around the reservoir.

This became the one thing they both looked forward to each week because it wasn’t just about the babies. They walked and talked, and it felt like the therapy they both needed, talking about everything, past relationships, their current relationships including intimacy.

‘I’ve said to Kieron on countless occasions. I’m just not up for it. He should find a

younger model. I feel revolting, sleep deprived and have these huge jugs full of milk.’

‘I know, we did give it a go and it’s pretty good once you get back into it.’

‘Fine. I’ll give it a go.’

Helen ranted about Rich and his inability to get on with anyone he worked with.

‘Do you think it’s because he’s hired to then reevaluate all the finances and sack

people?’ 

‘I don’t know. I just worry as he’s so cavalier when it comes to work. He seems to

always fall out with his boss and most jobs last six months to a year. I just worry as

we’ve got such a large mortgage.’

‘Yes, that is worrying. Maybe he could take on something permanent for a while?

Rather than contracting?’

‘Anyway, enough of that, what are you watching at the moment?’

‘I’m rewatching Gilmore girls. I love it. I love Rory and all those scenes filmed in New England. I just love everything about it. What about you?’

‘Band of Brothers. There is something so reassuring about watching a war zone when

you have a screaming pooping baby. It puts it all in perspective.’

‘Ha. You’re so funny. Have you written anything recently?’

‘I’ve been jotting things down but nothing substantial. My brain feels fried.’

The weeks and months flew and as their friendship moved on, they started going out for meals leaving ‘the boys’ at home with the babies.

One evening they met at a local pub, and both agreed to have one small glass of wine

so they could drive. 

‘I’ve got something to tell you Reb.’

‘Ooh go ahead. I do too.’

‘Ooh now I’m excited. I was going to ask if you would (cough) have a baby with me?’

I spat out my glass of pinot. ‘What on earth?’ Starting to laugh.

Rich and I were talking about trying for a second and I said I didn’t think I could do it

without you and maybe you could have another one at the same time? I’m mad, aren’t

I?’

‘You are hilarious. You are so sweet but no feckin way. My breeding days are over.'

‘Oh no but you produce such beautiful babies.’

‘Aah thank you, you too. My news is that the company I worked for about seven years

ago has offered me a part- time work from home job which will be a breeze and I’ve said yes.’

‘Congratulations! That’s amazing.’

‘Well, we’ll see how it goes. As much as I love George, I feel I do need something else

but it doesn’t mean we stop our catch ups and walks and pub visits.’

Helen started to tear up, ‘Are you sure? You’re going to meet someone at work and

they’ll be your new best friend.’

‘Oh you silly sausage, don’t worry about that. I won’t love anyone as much as I love my

friend Helen.’

With that they both had a sob and clinked their glasses.