Mouthology: 

A Professor was going by boat. In transit he asked the mariner: 

"Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology? 

The mariner denied every one of his inquiries. 

Teacher: What the damnation do you know on earth. You will bite the dust of ignorance. 

Inevitably the boat began sinking. The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology and escapology from sharkology? 

The teacher said no. 

Mariner: "Indeed, sharkology and crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology and you will dieology due to your mouthology.

CAPTAIN:

A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.

The captain was asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”

The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’s discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.

The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, “Get me my brown pants!”

CLEVER KIDS:

A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.

One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.

A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.

WILL'S EXPERIENCE AT THE AIRPOT:

After his return from Rome, Will couldn’t find his luggage in the airport baggage area. He went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn’t shown up on the carousel.

She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.

Then she asked Will, “Has your plane arrived yet?”

WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS:

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

THE CHILD AND HIS MOTHER:

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”

Teacher Jokes

by STEPHEN on JANUARY 18, 2013

Describing his teacher to his mother, Jimmy called her “mean but fair.”

“Just what do you mean by that?” – his mother asked.

“She is mean to everybody.” – Jimmy replied.

Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won’t be able to come to school today.

School Secretary: Who is this?

Pupil: This is my father speaking!

Mother: How do you like your new teacher?

Son: I don’t. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn’t give me one!

Son: I can’t go to school today.

Father: Why not?

Son: I don’t feel well

Father: Where don’t you feel well?

Son: In school!

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn’t you?

Pupil: Not very much!

“Johnny, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

“My dog ate it,” was his solemn response.

“Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?”

“It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear it is,” insisted Johnny. “I had to smear it with honey, but I finally got him to eat it.”

What would happen if you took the school bus home?

The police would make you bring it back!

A teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

Pupil: I don’t think I deserved zero on this test!

Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you!

The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised.

He tapped her on the shoulder and said…. “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades….. somebody is going to get a spanking…”

Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?

Pupil: I get up early!

“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”

“Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”

Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line?

Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there!

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!”

Teacher: “Isn’t it remarkable how quickly the kids learn to drive the car?”

Parent: “Yes, especially considering how slowly they catch on to running the lawnmower and vacuum cleaner.”

Teacher: You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?

Pupil: No, teacher I’m having trouble listening!

The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.

The father, though late for work himself, had to drive her. Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes – but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.

The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle.

The child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I know.”

Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.

Class: Hooray

Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

College student: “Hey, Dad! I’ve got some great news for you!”

Father: “What, son?”

College student: “Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean’s list?”

Father: “I certainly do.”

College student: “Well, you get to keep it.”

Teacher: Why can’t you ever answer any of my questions?

Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn’t be much point in me being here!

Father: How do you like going to school?

Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I’m not too keen on the time in-between!

Student: Can you hold on to my wallet for me while we take the exam? There may or may not be money in it.

Teacher: I can’t be bought!

Student: Yes, but can you be rented for a little while?

Teacher: Why are you late?

Webster: Because of the sign.

Teacher: What sign?

Webster: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?

Cindy: You told me to do it without using tables!

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up.” said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.”Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.

“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”

The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”The little girl replied, “My homework.”

“Isn’t the principal a dummy!” said a boy to a girl.

“Well, do you know who I am?” asked the girl.

“No.” replied the boy.

“I’m the principal’s daughter.” said the girl.

“And do you know who I am?” asked the boy

“No,” she replied.

“Thank goodness!” said the boy with a sign of relief.

Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?

George replied: I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.

Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?

A: Because his class was so bright!

Q: Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed?

A: She couldn’t control her pupils!

Q: How is an English teacher like a judge?

A: They both give out sentences.

Q: Teacher: If I had 6 oranges in one hand and 7 apples in the other, what would I have?

A: Student: Big hands!

Q: Teacher: If you got $20 from 5 people, what you get?

A: Student: A new bike.

Q: Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at John’s exam?

A: Student: I hope you didn’t either.

Q: Teacher: What is the shortest month?

A: Student: May, it only has three letters.

Q: Why did the teacher write on the window?

A: Because she wanted the lesson to be very clear!