Zombies Sound Safer Than My Family

Submitted into Contest #60 in response to: Write a funny post-apocalyptic story.... view prompt

173 comments

Funny

Most people are scared after and during an apocalypse. Am I?


Nah.


I basically run around with LOSER tattooed on my forehead; I'm sure a few zombies aren't scarier than half the bullies at Gire High School.


I'm that Harry Potter nerd. The computer nerd. The Percy Jackson nerd. Guess what?


I'm a nerd.


You know, in case you haven't noticed.


Want to know what's ironic? My best friend is captain of the football team. Boy, does that have its advantages. My bestie can beat up Andrew Vanderwalk, Jake "The Pit (DON'T ask, you'll regret it)" Jackson, and about 18 other buff guys. It has its disadvantages, if you could believe it. Ben is male. I am female.


Yup.


I know exactly what you were just thinking.


A boy and a girl? Wow, they should kiss.


That's what everybody thinks, so yeah.


Just about now, I'm thinking that too. Not gonna lie. Considering we just witnessed a zombie apocalypse, I'm sure one little kiss wouldn't hurt. Or two. Or fifteen. Or more than kissing...


OKAY.


That escalated quickly.


But then again, so did this town.


I'm not gonna go into detail, but a super smart, super pretty, super forgivable 17-year-old genius created a portal to the fourth dimension that may or may not have made a gateway for thousands of zombies to come waltzing into the town of Gire, hurt a few people, and die the second the sun came out the next day.


If you hadn't already guessed, I'm the super smart, super pretty, super forgivable (you know, in case you missed that part) genius that started a zombie apocalypse. Buuuut... nobody knows it was me.


I should feel guilty.


But come on, people. Don't you realize what scientific discovery I just made? Being able to travel to other dimensions? Yeah. Who's the nerd now?


Pff.


Still me.


Too bad the machine self-destructed after a very nice girl hit the self-destruct button.


Me?


Of course not.


Maybe.


Yes.


I did destroy the only thing that could make me popular. God, I'm stupid.


Not really. But you know what I mean.


Sooooo...that's pretty much it.


I nearly destroyed my town, I'm still a nerd, and I'm still thinking about how to explain to my family it was me who released thousands of zombies from another dimension into our peaceful, (mostly) loving town without getting myself killed.


Right about now, I'm guessing I would have been safer with the zombies.


How did I even get myself into this?


Oh, you're gonna be sorry you asked that.


How about, "Oh, it's alright, Callie. I'm sure your loving and understanding family and friends can forgive you, because you're so beautiful and smart!"


Yeah, nobody's ever going to say that to me.


They'll probably say the opposite of that.


And then kill me.


I'm really starting to think I should have called a zombie uber or something.


I've actually been working on Mike (yes, I named a magical portal) for about 2 years now. Well, I've technically only been working on Mike for 3 months.


Jared, Kelly, Jim, Ophelia, and Greg went boom.


I guess Mike did, too, if you think about it. But at least he did his job.


Good for nothing portals that can bring their inter-dimensional friends to destroy a town, am I right?


You're probably wondering how I'm taking this so well. Wanna know something?


I am too.


Ooh. Bingo.


I have a plan.


Step 1: Gather everything I need to create Jessica (my future portal).


Step 2: Build Jessica.


Step 3: Use Jessica to travel to some other dimension so my family won't murder me for almost destroying the entire town.


Yep, I would say that's a pretty solid plan.


Or maybe I should take the zombie uber. I could take Ben with me and we could get married and get rich from the billions I'll make as a scientist and we can buy a big house and get a gerbil-no, a dog- named Hermie. (For a super smart junior in highschool, I, apparently, suck at grammar; please refer to the run-on sentence above if you didn't notice.)


Nah, that won't work. My lab blew up when Mike self-destructed.


Maybe my family won't be hard on me. Maybe they'll understand that their daughter is a brilliant genius. Maybe they'll understand that nobody died, and that they love me.





Pff.



Ha.



BWAHAHAHA.


Let's be honest. That is not a possibility. And besides, my sister, little miss perfect, who has won countless beauty pageants, broke her wrist because she punched an inter-dimensional zombie in the face, and its head promptly rolled off.


That's really too bad. I'm sure that zombie could drive.


If my parents found out that it's my fault my sister can't attend any more pageants in the near future because she has a bulky cast on....once again, I'm missing the zombies.


It's been 3 days since the zombies evaporated in the sunlight (is anybody else getting a Minecraft vibe from that???), and the town is slowly recovering. The grocery stores just reopened, and my parents think there's going to be pageants anytime soon?


Some people were not blessed with the smarts that I was.


Anyway.


I'm bored.


Everything is shut down, there's nothing to do, and a freaking zombie ate my sketchbook.


Come on, guys. You really had to take my only source of entertainment?


Yes, I've been talking to Ben and hanging out with him, but there's only so much you can know about a person. Especially considering I've been talking to Ben and hanging out with him for 15 years.


Here I am, talking about this, when I should be deciding if I should tell everybody that I caused everything.


Not really.


I already know I'm not. I like my life.


And besides, if I did?


Well, let's say the bullies from school would look like butterflies compared to what that would be like.


Maybe someday I'll tell them.


Over text.


When I'm in a different state.

September 19, 2020 01:54

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173 comments

05:54 Sep 20, 2020

Nice work !!!! I loved the atmosphere when reading the story and the whole continuation was too perfect! I didn't find mistakes !!

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Zea Bowman
15:22 Sep 20, 2020

:)

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15:27 Sep 20, 2020

:)

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Carille Durbin
01:46 Sep 20, 2020

I really liked this. I was wary about the Zombie theme because it has been used so much lately, however you used a different twist and made the story interesting. I admire imaginative stories and you nailed this.

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Zea Bowman
21:15 Sep 22, 2020

Man I'm getting kind of tired of saying it but I do really appreciate all of the kind comments: THANK YOUUU :D

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01:11 Sep 20, 2020

Very cute and funny I really enjoyed it

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Zea Bowman
21:15 Sep 22, 2020

Thanks!

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Lily Kingston
23:59 Sep 19, 2020

This is so funny! I love Callie’s personality and internal monologue! Plus, the running joke of a zombie Uber is hilarious! Keep up the good work and keep writing!!

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Zea Bowman
04:42 Sep 20, 2020

Thank you so much! I look forward to sharing more stories :)

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Aveena Bordeaux
23:45 Sep 19, 2020

Okay, this was FUNNY! Your character is so upbeat and spunky and I loved following her throughout the story. I also loved the way she was addressing the readers, too :) You totally nailed this prompt!!

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Zea Bowman
15:24 Sep 20, 2020

Thanks! I know I say this a lot but I really do appreciate it :)

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Sarah Freeman
23:39 Sep 19, 2020

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! This was AMAZIIIIIIING! I loved it! Hilarious. I bet it’ll get shortlisted. This is such a brilliant take on the prompt! Are all your stories this funny??? The main character (maybe give her a name. Seriously, she names interdimensional portals but doesn’t tell people her own name?) is relatable and awesome and someone I definitely would want to befriend. You kept referencing a zombie Uber and I cracked up every time. That ending was PEEEERFECT, too! I’m so glad you told me to read this OMG.

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Zea Bowman
15:05 Sep 20, 2020

I was smiling the whole time I was reading your comment! I really appreciate it! Her name is Callie; I mentioned it once. :) No, none of my other stories are like this. This was my first try on this type of writing.

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Sarah Freeman
15:25 Sep 20, 2020

Well, you ROCKED IT! Do more of this stuff, seriously. It’s genius. And tell me if you do! Oh, sorry, I must’ve missed it. Cool name, though! AWESOME JOB 👏👏👏👏👏

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Zea Bowman
23:53 Oct 01, 2020

Thank you so much!!!

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22:39 Sep 19, 2020

So first off I want to say that zombies and apocalyptic stories are not my thing, but you might notice all the prompts this week are about post apocalyptic happenings, so I better learn! Next I will say this is funny! She totally sounds like a teenage girl and the story does flow. I liked it! Keep writing. I want more!

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Maggie Deese
19:43 Sep 19, 2020

This was great, Zea! Thoroughly entertaining and had me smiling the whole way through with your character's snark remarks. Great read!

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Zea Bowman
23:53 Oct 01, 2020

Thank you!

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Veron Nebu
19:27 Sep 19, 2020

I really enjoyed reading this story! Pretty funny and I liked how you ended it. Keep it up!

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Zea Bowman
19:31 Sep 19, 2020

Thanks!

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Qalbe Momin
16:25 Mar 15, 2022

Most people are scared after and during an apocalypse. Am I? Nah. I basically run around with LOSER tattooed on my forehead; I'm sure a few zombies aren't scarier than half the bullies at Gire High School. I'm that Harry Potter nerd. The computer nerd. The Percy Jackson nerd. Guess what? I'm a nerd. You know, in case you haven't noticed. Want to know what's ironic? My best friend is captain of the football team. Boy, does that have its advantages. My bestie can beat up Andrew Vanderwalk, Jake "The Pit (DON'T ask, you'll regret it)" Jac...

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00:16 Jan 06, 2022

oooooh nice story

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Julio Malagon
15:08 Oct 15, 2021

Whats the plot of the story

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Jeanette Harris
17:12 Sep 19, 2021

You have this Zombie machine that takes you into another dimension

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Jordan Ok
21:42 May 23, 2021

I love this character and would love to see more from her! This seems like a great set up for a further story even. It's been a loooong time since I've audibly laughed at something I was reading, awesome job!

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Cristian Barajas
15:35 May 18, 2021

Great story, thanks for the laugh. I would love to have read a longer version of the story but overall really great! Nice Job!

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Lara Lee
14:19 Apr 28, 2021

ha that was so funny youre parents nearly killing you jus for letting a few zombies out lmaoo

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14:54 Mar 03, 2021

Oh my gosh, this story is so cute! I felt like I was actually talking to her. It makes it seem like a regular person is just talking instead of the average dialogue.🌸

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Aditi ..
16:07 Feb 08, 2021

"is anybody else getting a Minecraft vibe from that???" I AM THERE..

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Aditi ..
15:48 Feb 08, 2021

Noice......👌

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Math Bene
21:32 Dec 27, 2020

Hey ! very funny and I love you style, I was looking for a short story to practice in real life my 3D modeling / animation skills as I'm still a beginner, and i found this one, would you mind if I use it ? :) Thanks !

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