The Last Conversation on Earth

“I don’t think it can be repaired.”

“What a shame.”

“It is.”

“It used to be rather glorious. Even without any rings or multiple moons.” 

“Indeed it was. It had a sort of humble, serene kind of beauty.”

“Probably the best one we ever worked on.”

“Agreed.”

“You would think they would have learned to care for it once the glaciers melted away.”

“Hmph.” 

“What?”

“Come now, Gabriel. They didn’t care for it when they dirtied all this air. All they did was convince themselves the sky was always brown, and that breathing through respirators was more efficient than their own lungs.”

“Hmm. Well. Yes.”

“And when it got so hot they could barely stand on this surface, they just burrowed underground, like moles.”

“What are moles again?”

“Moles? You know, those furry, little creatures with webbed feet. They wiped ‘em out ages ago, along with the frogs.”

“Ah. Yes.  And the rhinos.”

“Oh, I forgot about those. They were fabulous.”

“They really were.”

“You know what really winds me up?”

“What is it, Lucifer?”

“It’s just that we - we worked so hard on this. You remember, don’t you, Gabriel?  All those long eons shaping the tectonic plates.” 

“Mmm, yes. Those were the days. Remember Jehoel and his volcanos?”

“I do! I don’t reckon I’ve seen him that excited since Pangaea. He still likes to set them off now and again.” 

“Those were the good times.”

“Yes! The best times, I’d say. Four and a half billion years, all of us, working together on the greatest project of our existence. All the work we put in, all those eras we spent, making this glorious Earth and everything in it. Perfecting it to the last fjord. And they ruined it all in an instant.”

“Well, to be fair, I do not think any one of us could have anticipated how much damage they would cause. I mean, they were just a handful of flimsy apes ten thousand years ago. We probably should not have given them fire.” 

“They should never have been created in the first place.” 

“Lucifer!”

“What? It’s true. I warned Him about them, you know.”

“Who? You don’t mean -?”

“Yes, Him. I told Him, in so many words, they would be a terrible idea. I showed Him my projections of all the destruction they would cause. I was dead on for most of it, too.” 

“But how did He take it? I assume not well.” 

“Well? Hah! He nearly vanquished me from existence. I was lucky I was only demoted.”

“Oh? So that is why we did not see you after their creation. We all thought you had left of your own accord, knowing how often you quarrelled with Him. We were taking bets.”

“Were you? About what?”

“When you would come crawling back. We thought you would eventually tire of your, erm…abode.” 

“Well, even if I did, it would have been no use grovelling for forgiveness. So much for Him being All Merciful.” 

“Mind your words! You know He hears all.”

“Oh, like you have anything to fear. You're His golden child.”

“No, that would be Michael. Anyhow, this explains a great deal. To be honest, I never believed those rumours they were spreading, about you being some Angel of Darkness, or whatever they called it. I used to say as much to Jehoel, “He never seemed all that bad”. So what were you really up to down there?”

“Well, I mean, some of the rumours did have a grain of truth to them. In the beginning, He wanted me to take in some of the bad ones, and you know, make them better. Show them the light, so to speak.”

“He wanted you to rehabilitate them?”

“Yes, in the beginning. But I’ll tell you, Gabriel, I would have had better luck sewing the fabric of the universe into a balaclava.”

“What do you mean?”

“The ones He sent down to me did terrible things. I mean, just really awful stuff. You couldn’t even imagine it, Gabriel. And just when I thought I’d seen it all, one of them would show up and prove me wrong. It’s like they were trying to outdo each other in their depravity. At a certain point, I stopped reading their reports.” 

“Did you ever succeed at changing any of them for the better?”

“You know, I can’t recall. There may have been a few in the beginning, when we had smaller numbers. But even if I did manage to get through to anyone, the others would just drag ‘em back to their level. I gave it all up after Genghis Khan arrived.”

“So what would you do to them, if you could not save them?”

“Nothing, really. I think even He realized at a certain point they were beyond saving. That’s probably why he put out that publication warning them about Eternal Damnation or whatever.” 

“Hmm.”

“Honestly, Gabriel I never lifted a finger to punish them. Never needed to. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about humans, it’s that they are perfectly capable of hurting each other in ways we could never dream of.” 

“Surely, Lucifer, there were some who did good. You and I have seen them band together to do truly marvellous things for each other. Sometimes even to save the Earth itself. Would you not agree that some of those good deeds made up for the bad?”

“But don’t you see, Gabriel? Even with all their good deeds, they were really just trying to mend whatever evil they caused in the first place. And in the end, whatever good they did do, it just wasn’t enough to save themselves, or the Earth.” 

“No, I guess not.”

“You know what's strange?”

“What?”

“It's like He knew this would happen.”

“Well, He knows everything.”

“Yes, but if that’s the case, then why did He even bother with any of it? Why make us waste all this time making elephants and rainforests and all of this, when He knew they were going to destroy it all anyway?”

“He knows that which we do not know.”

“He really does work in mysterious ways, doesn’t he? I wish He would clue us in on His Grand Plans once in a while.”

"They are not meant for our interpretation, I'm afraid. Best to move on, my friend. He already has.” 

“I guess you’re right.”

“I know I am. Well, I’m off to see the Andromeda meteor showers. Will you be joining me?”

“Yes, but let me grab some of this magma first. I don’t want to leave without a souvenir.”