Her Name Is Alice

May 22nd 2010

My mother got me this diary for my birthday. I don’t know what she expects. I’m not exactly a diary keeping person.

May 23rd 2010

Okay, I guess I should try to use this thing. At least give at a go.

So where am I in my life right now? Well, I’m 16, as of yesterday. I live in a house, a very big house in the country. With my mother, as mentioned, and my older sister, Síobhán.

I have my Junior Cert coming up, which is of course terrible. But oh well, I’ll get through it. I’m actually not as worried about it as some of my classmates, I think it’ll be grand. Like, I don’t think I’ll be getting As all across the board, but at least I think I’ll pass everything. I hope anyway. Síobhán’s doing her Leaving Cert, so at least that’s worse.

This is so weird, writing about my life like this. I’m used to essays for school and such, but even my personal essays aren’t just talking about my life. I don’t even know what else to say. Am I that interesting?

Actually, I should probably say my name at some point. That would be helpful. It’s Liam.

May 24th 2010

Today began the last week of school before we get our study break, and then the Junior Cert. Not much interesting happened, because at this point all the teachers have given up on trying to teach us anything new and just tell us to study, or show us movies. We watched Forrest Gump in History, cause I guess it’s historical. And Mr. Fitzpatrick showed us The Simpsons Movie again. I don’t know why he always does that when he doesn’t know what to do with the class, but I ain’t complaining.

I know there’s something else I’m forgetting but every time I sit down in front of this thing, everything leaves my head. Oh well. Next time.

-Liam

May 25th 2010

Dear Diary,

I remembered what I kept forgetting! And honestly I don’t know how I forgot about it up to now. Or her rather, not it.

Alice. Her name is Alice. Because of course there’s a girl. I’m 16 and full of hormones and exam stress, so obviously I’m pining for someone I can’t have.

Ah, can’t have is too extreme. I’m just shy. We’re good friends, and if I asked her out, she’d probably be up for it. I’m just worried, you know? That it won’t last or something. Or even that she’d say no. And we have the JC to worry about right now, so it’s not like we have time.

Summer though? I could wait for summer, after our exams, then try and ask her out. That’s not a bad idea. Maybe I’ll do that.

-Liam

May 28th 2010

Dear Diary,

Week is finally over. I didn’t write anything the other days cause nothing particularly interesting happened. Like I said the last time, everyone’s finished the syllabus, so we just dozed off in class and it was fine but boring.

Only exciting part of school these days is talking to Alice during lunch. Or passing notes in class. I do that with Dave too though. (Dave is my best friend btw)

And now we play the waiting game. Studying for a week and then begins exam season. Bet it’s gonna get really sunny in two weeks. It’s always like that.

Dunno if I’ll write much here until the summer. We’ll see.

-Liam

June 18th 2010

Dear Diary,

Well, I’m almost done the JC. All that’s left is Music on Wednesday. Alice and Dave tell me it’s all going terribly, but the people who walk out of an exam and say “That was shite!” tend to be the ones who do the best, so.

Me? As I predicted, I think I’m doing fine. Not enough for As, not little enough for Fs. Deeply medium, that’s how I like my exams.

I just want summer to start. I just want the Junior Cert to be over with. I just want Alice. Ugh. 

-Liam

June 23rd 2010

okay so I may have asked Alice out in a panic

Breathe, Liam. Okay. So.

Dear Diary,

Yeah, I asked Alice out as we walked out of the Music exam. Because I’m an idiot. But not too much of an idiot I guess, because she said yes. Unless she’s an idiot too. That remains to be seen.

We’re gonna go to the cinema on Saturday. And of course I’m shitting it. But hey - progress.

-Liam

June 26th 2010

Dear Diary,

So the date is happening today. In like, two hours. I’m sweating like a pig, Jesus. I hope it goes well. We’re going to see Toy Story 3, which will be interesting. Hopefully not another useless sequel.

-Liam

Dear Diary,

Okay the fact that I cried has nothing to do with Alice and everything to do with Toy Story 3 being an emotional rollercoaster.

But the date went well, I think. We held hands a bit at the end, it was nice. Alice is very nice and I’m glad that she agreed to go on a date with this dork. I hope we go on more.

-Liam

June 29th 2010

Dear Diary,

We met up for coffee today. Just kind of a spur of the moment thing, she texted me this morning asking if i wanted to hang out, and of course I jumped at the idea and maybe replied too quickly but oh well.

We went to a café in town, they do really nice cappuccinos. She got some cheesecake on her nose at one point and it was really cute cause she went cross-eyed when I pointed it out. I resisted the urge to kiss it off.

I think we’ll be seeing a lot of each other this summer. God.

-Liam

July 2nd 2010

Dear Diary

We went for coffee again. And at the risk of coffee and cinema being the only dates we go on, we also went for a walk in the park.

It was nice. We just kind of talked about things for a bit, school, and what we’re doing for the summer. Hopefully each other Hopefully getting a job, but God knows no one’s hiring these days.

But I have to get the most important part - we kissed! Which of course was my first kiss I feel like an idiot writing about this in a diary like a tittering schoolgirl or something but I also felt like an idiot when she kissed me God I’m all giddy.

It was so typical too. I was teasing her about something and we stumbled onto the grass and laughed and ended up staring into eachothers’ eyes and it just… happened. And she looked so beautiful surrounded by flowers.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I’ll remember that moment for a long long time the rest of my life.

-Liam

July 5th 2010

Dear Diary,

I went over to her house today. Part of me wanted to ask her to come to mine but I wouldn’t be able to stand the teasing. Síobhán already wrecks my head enough about seeing a girl, never mind my mum having to make awkward conversation and a cup of tea. So, hers.

I’ve been there before, is the thing. I mean we’ve been friends for 3 years and she only lives two estates away. It’s not like this was some unknown wasteland to me, or that my house would be to her. But everything feels different when your relationship with it has changed. Does that make sense?

We went up to her room to “do homework”, and then kissed for a while. And it wasn’t like heavy hot making out or something. We just kind of sat on the bed and looked at each other and breathed in sync and kissed. Everything feels so slow around her, in a good way. I feel like I can take it easy. Finally.

Anyway. I got teased by her sister in the end so it doesn’t really matter where we went.

-Liam

July 16th 2010

she broke up with me

July 17th 2010

Dear Diary,

Okay. So Alice broke up with me. Not that we were ever technically  boyfriend and girlfriend or anything. But we’re not anything now. Well, we’re still friends, theoretically. But she broke my fucking goddamn shit heart.

She just didn’t see us that way. Not that she minded the kissing and she said I’m good at it but it’s just not what she wanted right now.

We’re still friends. I guess. I don’t know I just I hope we are anyway. God, I really got my hopes up for this. This was gonna be such a good summer and now I’m venting into my diary about getting my heart broken.

I don’t want to do this anymore. Christ.

-Liam

July 18th 2010

Dear Diary,

I looked back at that last entry and realised that it looked like I was giving voice to suicidal thoughts. That’s not what I meant. I feel like utter shit but I’m not there. yet I just meant I’m sick of keeping up a diary. I’m gonna stop. I don’t care about it anymore. It isn’t helping.

So this is goodbye, I guess.

-Liam

May 21st 2020

Dear Diary,

Wow. Remember when I kept a diary? I certainly didn’t. Reading through this stuff is wild. That was 10 years ago! I had way more struggles around the Leaving than the Junior Cert. And with women too. I don’t know why I feel the need to write a new entry now that I’ve found it again, but I guess it makes it even more of a time capsule. Maybe I’ll keep it up again.

So, where to start? Well, I’ll be 26 tomorrow. I passed my Junior Leaving Cert (thank God), went to college for Music and graduated. I’m dating a lovely lady that I met in college named Emma. We’ve been dating for 3 and a half years now, and it’s been going great!

3 and a half years is a lot longer than the week and a half that Alice and I kinda-dated for. Unfortunately, we didn’t remain friends. Not that we had a big fight, we just drifted. I haven’t seen her since school. God, that’s weird. My first love, lost to the ages.

I should try and find her on Facebook or get her number or something. She was one of my best friends and I’d love to get a coffee and catch up.

I wonder if she remembers me...

-Liam

May 22nd 2020

Dear Diary,

She remembers me.

-Liam