A NIGHT AT THE IMPROV

Automatic One Cent Vaudeville in Crystal Hall theatre beat all for miles around, and the residents of Oakville would say the same. Townspeople filled the hall nightly to see various shows; each offered unique entertainment for seekers of something engaging after dinner. It made for a lovely formal evening out on the town. 

Longtime friends from high school, Martha and Jane, married around the same time in the same year and settled down with their out-of-town husbands in Oakville, a town not far from where they grew up. Their husbands were Bill and Dick, respectively, and they were both excellent workers with great chosen career paths: Bill was an engineer, and Dick was a shrink. 

The men clicked when they met, and the women were pleased to see it wouldn’t be much work to get together since everyone got along. They went on many outings together on weekends and weeknights. When Bill proposed, they hit up the local hypnotist’s performance at Crystal Hall. After reading about it in the paper, where they had an extensive write-up about the hypnotist, everyone thought it sounded like an enjoyable night out.

Martha, in the few days between Bill’s plan to see the hypnotist, discovered that Bill had a napkin in his pocket with lipstick and perfume on it, neither hers. She vowed to find a way to stop Bill from kissing other women right then and there. Besides herself, she calls Jane to talk about her issue with Bill. Jane sounded surprised that Martha was sharing her story with her, and Jane told Martha, “I can’t talk now.” 

Martha sounded surprised but said, “Okay, we’ll see you tonight then. Goodbye.” Martha wondered what that was about but kept that to herself.

After Martha hung up from Jane, Jane called Dick. Dick, you’re not going to believe it. She finally figured out that Bill cheats on her, but I doubt she understands what it all means. She is dippy. Married to such a philanderer.”  

Dick sounded shocked. 

But for the same reason, Jane did. "Well, at least when I intervened, Bill understood what I meant. He hasn’t made another attempt, has he?” 

“No, hon, he hasn’t,” Jane said. “But the plan is still to make him pay one day, right?” It was the night of the show. Dick was hustling all day and still got home late from work. Then he had to go to Martha’s parents’ house because her mother asked for his help with something. Martha rolled her eyes. 

“You know what time you need to be back here by, so don’t be afraid to tell her when you have to leave Bill.” 

“Sure thing, honey.” 

“Sorry, Bill. If you didn’t know her better, you’d think the sky was falling! You’re better salt than me. We’ll eat when you get home, okay?” She kissed him and went back into the kitchen. Bill smiled and left. He had no idea what he was in for. 

Two hours later, Bill arrived home much later than he intended. When he got close to the front door, he screamed at Martha.

“Let’s go. I can see Dick and Jane, nervous as a couple of chickens in the henhouse with a fox on the loose,” he said.

She met him at the door, and they got into town quickly. Dick parked in angle parking on the street in front of the hall. 

“Lucky break,” he said as he grabbed his wife’s hand, and they entered the theatre. 

“Excuse me, folks, you’ll have to wait for the first intermission to enter the hall since the show has already begun. Thank you for your understanding.” They smiled at the usher and stood in front of the double doors. The usher headed upstairs, and Bill pulled Martha inside when he was out of sight.

Dick heard the door and screamed, “Bill, over here.” Jane shrunk in her seat, uncomfortable. The entire theatre watched their exchange.

The hypnotist did something crazy next. He called the couples to join them on stage. The hypnotist had the four sit in chairs facing the audience, and he walked behind them, placing his hand on them occasionally. The hypnotist asked Martha to return to her seat in the audience but kept the other three up on stage with him. The men were hypnotized to believe they were Rhode Island Red Roosters strutting their stuff on the farm around the barnyard and had to maintain a crouched position as they walked low around the stage. 

Jane was hypnotized to believe she was the farmer’s wife and had to throw grain at the Roosters. She could do anything except use her hands to get the grain out to the roosters. She was given a grain basket but told to guard it from the Roosters. The other actors on stage were hypnotized to believe they were agitators. Their role was to stop the Roosters and the farmer’s wife from doing their assigned tasks. The entire skit was two minutes. The scene became more hilarious with each second. Entertainment and laughter filled the theatre as everyone laughed throughout the place. Everyone except for Martha, who sat in her seat watching the hypnotist very closely. 

She watched and hung on every word the hypnotist said and every action he took. She realized she could hypnotize Bill into never kissing another woman again---and at the same time get him to do a few other things for her, like her housework and gardening, so she didn’t have to do it anymore. 

Crystal Hall recorded that show that evening as one of the best ever in its record book. The performers thanked the couples and asked if they were free for the rest of the week. The audience gave the performers a standing ovation. But the hypnotist asked the people on stage to stick around after the show, particularly the two couples. 

The two couples waited in the empty theatre seats for the hypnotist to come out of his room. He came out, and they all introduced themselves, and he said, “Let’s go for a drink, shall we?” 

“Sure. Where are we going?” Bill said.

“How about across the street,” the hypnotist said.

“Sounds great,” Dick said.

Joey said the first round was on him when crossing the street. The couple noticed he kept looking at Bill, but nobody said anything except that they thought it was funny. 

“Joey, how did you decide to become a hypnotist, anyway?” Jane said.

“It was around the second semester of my first year of engineering at MIT. I knew I didn’t want to be a stuffy engineer for the rest of my life; I finished the semester and left school to study hypnosis and psychology,” he said.

“Oh? An engineer, eh?” 

“Yeah, Massachusetts Institute of Technology; Bill, I’ve meant to ask you. Have we met before? I want to say at school. You aren’t an engineer, are you?”

“Matter of fact, I am. And now that you mention it, you also look familiar to me. Reaume, is that your last name? I remember you from our labs. Joey Reaume.” 

“Yeah, I thought you were in my labs,” Joey said.

“Well, it is a small world after all, isn’t it?” Martha said. 

They had two drinks, and then Dick and Jane left. The other three remained in the place until closing. Martha had to drive home because Bill had too much to drink. So did Joey, but he walked.

Bill got up on time the following day and went out the door. Almost as soon as he left, their phone rang. 

“Hello?” Martha said.

“Hi, Martha. It’s Joey from last night.” 

“Hi, Joey. How’s your head?” 

“Good. Thank you,” he said. 

“What can I do for you?” she said.

“It’s what I can do for you. I got the feeling there was something you wanted to talk about, but you didn’t get a chance to because Bill was always talking, or I was,” Joey said.  

“Yes, I’d like to meet up if that works for you today, say, at about 11:00 a.m., at the same place we met last night,” Martha said.

“Perfect. See you then,” Joey said. 

At 11:00 a.m., Martha sat in the booth, wondering how she could express her thoughts without sounding too obvious. 

She didn’t have either. 

“I’m guessing you want to learn how to hypnotize your husband,” Joey said.  

“Sort of. Yes,” she said. 

“Okay, I will walk you through the simple steps, but it’s really in the voice and tone and the person’s willingness to be hypnotized. You weren’t willing to be in your case, so I had to send you back to your seat last night,” Joey said. 

“That’s great, but because you already hypnotized Bill, does that mean he’s already willing?” 

“Yes. Yes, it does.”  

He repeatedly reviewed the steps and the words she would need until she knew them by heart. Then she looked at her watch and feigned she had another appointment she was late for and left and

Joey remained in the bar and ordered a drink. 

When Martha got home, she made Bill’s favourite meal for dinner and some of his favourite desserts. She cleaned up the house, got herself all dolled up, and waited for Bill to come home with a glass of wine. Bill came home on time, and when he entered the house, he went wild with the smell of his favourite dish. 

“It smells delicious in here,” he said. “Wow, you look fantastic!”

“Thank you, honey, I’m so glad you think so. Would you like some wine?” Martha said.

“Yes, please. I’ll just go and change my clothes and be right back.” He moved toward his wife and kissed her on the lips. She tasted like wine. A taste he loved on her lips.

While Bill was changing his clothes, Martha practiced her lines. She readied herself for the hypnosis and wasn’t 100% sure hypnotizing Bill was the right approach, but she wouldn’t turn back now. 

Bill came out and sat down next to her. She talked to him for a little bit, then used her word sequence and placed her hands on him, just like the hypnotist had that first night.

Before Bill knew what was happening, it was too late. Bill was under hypnosis. Martha told him to do a few tasks and tested it out. What Martha noticed that she didn’t expect was how attractive Bill looked while hypnotized and doing her chores in the house. She couldn’t explain it but was increasingly turned on each day. She asked for a kiss but discovered his lips were frozen for her, too, along with every other woman since she had hypnotized him. Her plan worked, but it worked a little too well. Now, what was she going to do? 

She thought all night about her conundrum as she tossed and turned in her attempt to sleep. In the morning, she went to find a friend she had made at work before becoming a stay-at-home wife. She called her friend and then went to her place for coffee before leaving for work. 

When Martha asked what to do, her friend told her to let go of the hypnosis and hire a cleaning lady. 

“A marriage is supposed to be a union in every sense. Spiritually, emotionally, and sexually. You’ve got a long way to go in a sexless marriage, honey; you’ll never make it. Trust me.” 

Martha thanked her friend for the advice and then left to find Jane. Jane wasn’t home, so Martha left a message on her answering machine.

“Hi Jane, when you get this message, can you please give me a return call?”

Within what seemed like seconds, Jane was returning the phone call. 

“Hi Martha, what’s up, girl? Everything okay?” Jane said.

“Oh, yes. Everything is great,” Martha said. 

“Okay. Wonderful. What can I do for you?” Jane said.

“Would you two like to come over for dinner tonight?” Martha said.

“Sure. I’ll call Dick and make sure he doesn’t have to work late. But count us in until I tell you otherwise. We’ll bring dessert,” Jane said. 

“Yes. Around 5:30 for cocktails. Dinner around 6:30,” Martha said.

“Great. Thanks. See you then,” Jane said.  

Jane and Dick arrived right on time for cocktails, and Martha had some ready. The three had two drinks before Bill came home. When Bill came home, he looked a little worse regarding wear. He said he had been with Joey earlier and lost track of time. They had been drinking and shooting the shit about life and choices. 

Jane hid behind Dick, so Bill wouldn’t try to kiss her, and Dick made sure he couldn’t get at her. But Bill didn’t try it. He acted like other women were non-issues now. Jane, puzzled, wondered if she read him wrong but came out from behind Dick and sat at the table. The others sat, too. Bill already had more than his share of drinks but managed to eat everything in sight for dinner. 

After dinner, they took their coffee and dessert and went to the backyard, where they ate and were supposed to talk more. Bill wiped out of his chair onto the ground. Dick moved to help him, but Bill waved him off. 

“Don’t touch me,” he said to Dick. “You either,” he said to Martha. He looked at Jane, and she put her hands up in front of her face with a smirk on her face. Bill got up and straightened his arm as he pointed at all three. 

“I know what you three said about me behind my back,” Bill said. “Joey told me about the hypnosis, too, dear. And the ‘kissing story’ you manufactured about me and then passed around to our friends before you talked to me about it. Why?” 

“Bill, what has gotten into you?” 

“And what you shared with our friends, who chose to believe you without talking to me. His eyes grew large. “I wonder if they know what kind of medication you’re on. What do you think? Should we share that with them?”

"Bill, that’s enough,” Dick said. 

“Yeah. You’re drunk, and God knows whatever else,” Martha said.

“Go to bed and sleep it off,” Jane said.

“Listen to you three! You're experts now, are you? Well, I suppose you two should know about my wife hypnotizing me to do her housework and gardening on top of the 40-plus hour work week I already work,” Bill said. 

“You what?” Jane turned to look at Martha. Dick looked at her too.

“Guilty.” Martha put her hand in the air. “But Bill, if you hadn’t fooled around on me so many times, this wouldn’t be an issue,” Martha said. 

“What are you talking about?” Bill said. “I’ve done nothing of the sort.”

“I saw the napkin with lipstick and perfume on it,” Martha said. 

“Oh, you did, did you? Yeah, that’s right. You caught me. It was for your birthday, Silly! I’ll take a bunch of that lipstick right here,” Bill pointed to his lips. “And some of that perfume right here.” He pointed to his collar. Then he laughed. 

“It’s the not knowing that kills.” 

“I’m sorry, Bill, but you’re right, and I just needed to know,” Martha said. 

“Yeah, me too,” Bill said.

“Us too,” Jane and Dick said.

The four looked at each other; they all nodded and laughed and went inside the house. Dick and Jane went home after that, and Bill and Martha went to bed. Martha had some makeup to do, which Bill wasn’t allowing her to forget.

THE END