19 hours to go

Lindsay rolled over and screamed at Alexa. "I said snooze and then I said stop, and now I just want you to shut up". Yelling at technology isn’t really how she hoped to start her day but too late now. She should never have signed up for this stupid challenge anyways but last year she was a different girl. That girl truly believed she would be able to achieve anything. Her career was thriving and so was her love life. It’s not her fault a global pandemic showed up and ruined all her plans. There is no time to look back at how she got here, it will not help. This is where she is and defeating this challenge is what she wants. After the year she had a win would really be nice. 

Okay Lindsay let’s do this she says, as she pours a cup of coffee. Only 5 goals to go and you have 19 hours to do it. I mean 19 hours is forever long, like you could drive halfway across the country. Pepping herself up is helping some but looking over the paper she shivers. How could she have ever thought this would be possible. 1. Publish your book 2. Organize your house like a professional 3. Get the promotion 4. Move past the third date 5. Travel to a foreign country. Okay its official I am insane to even try this I mean holy smokes what is my plan. With covid restrictions some of this might not be even possible but I refuse to let this be how I end the year. I will not end 2020 with a failure. I lost my job early this year, my friends around the middle, and the dating life somewhere in between. I refuse to mark it down as a complete failure.

Coffee down and ready to get dressed. Although I have no idea what I am dressing for I mean those 5 goals are nearly impossible. I realize I should just give up and I know its stubborn not to. I mean the prize is only $500 and even though I could use the money right now, my pride is what I am fighting for. My stupid and wonderful sorority alumni group is putting this on and we must post by tonight. I cannot stand the thought of me, the hugely successful NYC queen, letting all the UGA 04’ Kappa’s find out how far I have fallen. So, like every other basic babe, lets make a list and get the plan started.

First, publish the damn book. Seriously what is wrong with me. What part of 2019 me thought this was a good idea to speak into the universe. I should start by saying the book is good, in fact, it is incredible. Each word has been through the ringer of editing and it is ready to go. But the author is not. Once I say publish, it is out there. I am exposed as either the most brilliant author or an utter failure. My publisher emails me every Monday asking if I’m ready and I have ignored her every time. I am not ready to handle the rejection but I also cannot stand to lose. So, another peptalk begins. Do it Lindsay, just do it, stop being a chicken, open the computer and press send. Holding my breath, I count 1, 2, 3 and close my eyes as it flies through time and space. One goal down, the email is sent whatever happens now is between me and my therapist.

Next, organize like a professional. Well, the jokes on me. Like every other crazy person, I purged in march. Those first two weeks of quarantine were a series of cleaning and re cleaning then Marie Kondo sent me over the edge. Clear bins and baskets already sit on every shelf. The only issue with this goal is I kind of let the organizing go. I never did my office and it needed it the most. It became my work from home space, then my zoom space, and finally my depression space. I am not even sure I can walk in there. However, if I look at it like therapy and imagine walking into 2021 as a published author with an amazing office maybe, just maybe, I can get through it. Plus, the office is where I need to be to get through the last of these stupid resolutions. Dates, flights, and promotions.

Okay so the promotion is a joke, that goal is gone and I am not even mad about it. My corporate life was cut off the moment the first cough sounded. Its like they had been waiting for a great reason to let us all go and that was it. I cried like a baby when it first happened. I saw my life as nothing if not with the publishing firm. It was all I had wanted and ever dreamed of. It was brutally painful to watch that dream slip away. But like all good quarantine queens, I found light at the end of the tunnel. The dream I had was gone but I realized I could do what I wanted in a completely different way. It cost me half the income, but there is no time to review that today. After wallowing in my sorrow, I started my own editing business. As soon as I launched, I was crazy busy. It seems like everyone became a writer when they had nothing else to do. So, I edited and sent. My job was connecting a fully edited book with the best possible publisher. In fact, this is how I met my dream publisher and wrote mine. I realized that corporate dream was never actually for me and that the life I wanted was just waiting for me to be bold. So, I guess technically my promotion was getting fired, it was the push I needed to move to the next step.

Alright back to the goals, the office organization is more painful than I thought it would be. However, I can’t leave this room until its finished because for goal 4 and 5 to happen the office has to be done. Book shelves first, and while it feels like cheating because they are already alphabetized and beautifully sorted, this is an easy start. The desk is next and breaking it into chunks seems best. Pencil drawer done, old files sorted, now the junk drawer is staring at me daring to ruin it all. Trash bag in hand I grab each piece of mail, old stamps, random business cards and get going. This part is just down right embarrassing. I’m thankful I get to show then ending picture not the process or beginning. I would be ashamed if anyone saw how bad I let this room become. After two hours of insanity, I strike gold, the room is completely organized and quite lovely if I do say so myself. I snap the pic of success and head the shower.

The shower feels like the perfect spot to panic over the rest. At this point I realize I can’t get to third date without a first and second so I either get creative or have to call one of the many guys I’ve ghosted and ask them out. While also visiting a foreign country. Seriously, why do I think I can finish this and why am I trying. Jack, Patrick, and Beau are the only possible options for a third date. Jack was early in covid and we had a fluid zoom relationship, things were going great until we decided to try meeting in public two dinners and done. Turns out we were better suited online. Patrick was in that weird summer of freedom phase were you kind of felt like you could go out on like outdoor dates. We had these beautiful picnics in the park but I failed to see our life together indoors. Lastly sweet Beau, he was the most recent and most perfect. The only reason I ghosted him was out of fear. He gave me that this could be love kind of feel. I honestly believed love would add too much to my already crazy life. I just wanted simple and easy. Plus, I had no desire to become a cliché couple who found love in a pandemic. So, I ditched him. I really am ashamed about it and I really did like him. I hate that this challenge is what it took for me to snap out of it. Ugh the shame I’m about to feel. I text them in order of hope. Beau will be the first, then Patrick, then Mack. If this fails, I have no plan. Crossing all my fingers because I really need this to work.

I plan to set a 15-minute timer between each text, giving them enough time to respond but not so long I am off schedule. Its noon and I need three dates by midnight and a trip to a foreign country. I fire off the first one and grimace. I am really getting out of my comfort zone today and I really want Beau to be the one to respond. While I wait for the answer, I double check my passport. Thankfully it is not even close to expiring so I throw it in a pile. I check my watch, it’s only been five minutes, breathe a minute girl. I move on to packing. I grab the new year’s outfit I had planned and put it in my bag. The pajamas I wanted to wear when I planned to do nothing will be perfect for tonight. I really had no plans until that stupid reminder text went out and my goal list flashed through my mind. Packing the pajamas and getting a bag together took five more minutes. I spend the rest of the time gathering a going out look and a staying in look. Both improved from my Pjs but nothing special, restrictions are still active everywhere. 

I hear the ding as I gather my toiletries. My hands are shaky as I grab the phone but the sense of urgency takes over my fear. I grab my phone and almost drop it with shock. Me- Hey Beau, I know it’s been a while. Turns out I miss you. Want to road trip to Canada for New year’s? Beau- I thought you would never ask.

He said yes and this will be our third date. We talked for months but dating in New York in a pandemic is hard. You know what else is hard, getting into Canada during a pandemic but I researched all night and I feel confident. Now I must see where Beau stands. So, I give him the testing location. They have a two-hour turnaround time and a negative test is required for entry. We decide to get packed and meet at the testing location. I will drive us from there. As soon as we get the negative results we head for the border. Crossing is smoother than we imagined and we make it to the cabin just in time. I have heard the snowy starry nights in this area are unbelievable and I am warming to the idea of falling in love with Beau under them.

I hate the idea of telling Beau the reason I decided to ask him out was to hit a new year’s goal. It was the reason at first but honestly every little goal today reminded me that my life was vibrant and I wanted it to move forward. The pandemic had shut me down mentally and physically. So much held me back but at this point I was the only one to blame. I liked him a lot, and I wanted to see where we could go. I wanted to publish my book and I wanted my dream office. Not finishing these goals was stalling my life and I am so glad my shameful pride made me finish them. I organized my Instagram post. The first picture was of my confirmation from the publisher, the second my beautiful office, third my business card, fourth Beau and I at the Canadian border. I put it all together and submitted it.

         In my mind I already won. This stupid contest was what it took to get my life back in order and pull me out of my funk. For the first time ever, I am looking at a new year free of resolutions and goals. I already have everything I ever wanted.