Spies in Disguise-ish

Author’s note: Hey, so this is kind of (?) a part two of my story ’I Spy With My Little Eye a... Spy?’. You don’t need to read that story to enjoy this one, but there is like one or two small spoilers/references. Enjoy!

Agent Connors

Time: 1:55

Location: Chad’s Coffee Shack

So, my girlfriend broke up with me. Three weeks later and my omnisexual ass is already lonely. Hence the blind date at a coffee shop. Well, actually, I’m outside the coffee shop with a newspaper in front of my face, trying to see who my date is before I decide if I wanna go in or not. I know that’s not the point of a ‘blind date’ but I need them to be cute if imma spend ten bucks on a cup of coffee for a date.

My phone dinged. Ooh, a text from the mystery date. It said they’re sitting at the table with a sunflower on it… I nearly spit out my free water when I saw him. That’s right him! Agent Lincoln. My sworn enemy. He works for my organization’s rivals and we’re always bumping heads on missions. It’s your classic, I threw him off a yacht, he tried to push me into a volcano, kind of thing. 

And now he’s my blind date. That’s just weird, man.

A devious smile crept onto my lips. Or is it?

What if this is a glorious opportunity in disguise? Because I know it’s him, but he doesn’t have to know it’s me. Maybe I could use this chance to get close and snoop on him. Hopefully, I could find something that could give me a leg up on him next time we go toe to toe. I eyed the girl scrapbooking at the table next to me. It wasn’t ideal, but it’s short notice and I needed a disguise.

Scooching my chair over to her, I asked, “Can I ask you for a favor?”

Scrapbook girl ended up leading me a cheap hat—to tuck all my famous red hair in—and a marker—for a mole and freckles. I even bought off her a pair of reading glasses from the dollar store for five bucks—I had to pop off the lenses to see straight. So at the end of a day, she turned a profit and I could technically write this off as a business expense.

Let me be the first to tell you, this is a Clark Kent level right disguise right here.

I proudly walked through the door to Agent Lincoln. With a fake smile, I stuck out my hand and said, “Hi, I’m your blind date.”

“You’re late.”

“But like a minute, dude. Calm down. I’m Kim—“ Wait a minute, he already knows my real name from the Jordans’ Wedding Fiasco, “—er, Kesha.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Kesha? Isn’t she a famous actress?”

“Singer, actually.” Uneducated swine.

He smiled back at me. “Well, alright. I’m Matthew—not ‘dude’. It’s nice to meet you.”

Outside, I maintained my innocent smile. Inside, I grinned wider than the devil himself. 

***

Agent Lincoln

Time: 14:01

Location: Chad’s Coffee Shack

I cannot believe Agent Connors is a professional spy that actually thinks this disguise would work. What was she planning to accomplish with this? How am I supposed to react to this?

Oh, I know. I can commit one of those things Agent Connors did during my last ruined mission. The one where she sneaked a can of whipping cream disguised as a tool into my bag. I believe she called it a ‘prank’? She laughed a lot from doing it so it must be fun. Taking a slow sip of tea, I decided. Today I was going to have fun.

I smiled. “Well, alright. I’m Matthew—not ‘dude’. It’s nice to meet you.”

“I see you already have your drink, excuse me while I get a coffee.”

I nodded and started scheming. Oh, what to do, what to do? How do I best take advantage of this situation?

Agent Connors came back with a coffee that was half-sugar at this point with a mountain of whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles. Oh lord, it was unnatural. It wasn’t even coffee anymore.

Something clicked in Agent Connors’ brain and she said, “Oh, this coffee is just too cute! I should post it on my Finsta. Oh, shoot. My phone is broken. That’s just terrible.”

Not as terrible as her acting.

“Can I borrow yours?” She asked with big, pleading eyes. I’ll give her points for the eyes.

“Didn’t you just use your phone to get my texts about where I was?”

She paused for a minute. Bravely, she pushed forward and bonked her head with her palm. “Of course, silly me.” Agent Connors pulled out her phone. “I keep forgetting that I just got it fixed, so it’s still logged in the old noggin as broken. Would you believe that?” She locked eyes with me. “Would you believe that?”

I shifted in my seat. “I guess?”

She laughed awkwardly. “Haha, yeah. Well, it’s still a little bit greasy and oily from being at the… What’s it called again? Phone mechanic? That sounds right. So, I’ll just take a picture with my phone and—oh, oops.” She dropped the phone in her coffee and made a fake sad face.

This wouldn’t have been so bad if she hadn’t ordered a large. Now the poor phone was completely submerged.

I just wonder what was happening in her mind right before she did that.

***

Agent Connors

Time: Right Before She Did That

Location: Her Mind

SA-CRI-FICE! SA-CRI-FICE! SA-CRI-FRICE!

ITS FOR THE GREATER GOOD!

***

Agent Lincoln

Time: 14:12

Location: Chad’s Coffee Shack

Absolutely no idea what’s going on up in there.

“So,” Agent Connors said, “ Can I borrow your phone to call my phone-mechanic guy?” She reached out toward my bag. I withdrew.

“Umm, no.”

“Okay.” She took out her phone from the coffee. “Well, do you have like rice or something I can put this in?” Before I knew it, she lunged across the table and snatched my bag. “I can check this for you—I need… ah, a specific kind of rice. You might not recognize it.”

I grabbed my bag and tried to yank it back from her. “That’s not necessary. I don’t carry lose rice in my bag.”

“Psst… you don’t? Nerd. It’s the latest trend—not that you would know. You don’t even know who Kesha is!”

I yanked it away from her so hard, it sent her flying backward. She recovered by flipping the moment her chair’s back hit the floor. She landed perfectly on her feet with the grace of a panther. Calmly, she brushed off the new wrinkles in her outfit. “Well,” Agent Connors said, still trying to maintain normalcy despite her little acrobat act and everyone in the coffee shop staring at her. “I’ll just take it to the bathroom and dry it off there.” Then she quickly scurried off.

I leaned back in my chair and smirked. Now this was making the most of it! Agent Connors is acting like an idiot and making a fool of herself. I took a smug sip of tea. Life doesn’t get much better than this.

***

Agent Connors

Time: 14:18

Location: The bathroom of Chad’s Coffee Shack

I angrily yanked down on a roll of paper towels. Smooshing it to my phone’s screen, I sighed. I glanced up at the bathroom mirror. My fake marker moles and freckles were smudged with sweat. All of my hair had fallen out of the hat and the glasses were crooked. Simply put, I was a mess.

I finished wiping down the phone. Man, this plan wasn’t working. Maybe I should just call it quits.

I tried turning my phone on and off a few times. Finally, it turned on. “At least one thing isn’t ruined,” I said to myself. And at least Agent Lincoln doesn’t know it’s me. At this point, I should just try my best not to embarrass myself anymore as I leave.

Quietly, I left the bathroom. I didn’t want the entire shop staring at me again. The whole point of being a secret agent is that no one notices. Man, if my superiors saw me today, they would definitely fire me. Today was real low.

Agent Lincoln was back at our table, talking on the phone and laughing his ass off. So, he didn’t notice me. “Yeah, I’m telling you, Vinny, a marker mole and fake glasses! Plus she tried to stuff all her hair into a hat, like that would work. No, no, no. You’re missing the best part—she dropped her phone in her coffee. It’s pathetic, Vinny.  No, you’re missing the point. I’m having so much fun because I hate her so much. Yeah. Yeah.”

I. Saw. Red.

The bastard! I clenched my fists and gritted my teeth. Oh, he was gonna pay for this. Totally going to pay for this.

The only decision left was how…

I spied with my little eye a perfect little revenge plan. With a new spring to my step, I walked over to him after prepping for my plan. Alright, let’s do this.

Making my steps extra loud, Agent Lincoln noticed me approaching. Quickly, he put his phone away. “Oh, you’re back, Kesha.”

I smiled sweetly at him, putting on my most delightful face. “I am!” I said, gleefully. “And I fixed my phone too, see?” I waved it in his face and showed him my bright locked screen.

If he was gonna think I was an idiot, I was gonna act like one. Might as well finish selling this sorry act.

“Your screensaver is a cat? Are you a cat person?”

“Yep, dogs are just—Ugh. Not my thing. One bit me when I was kid and I’ve just been afraid since.”

Of course, I can still break his windpipe with a single kick, but let’s focus on a simple childhood fear to lower his guard.

Then, I let my happy face drop for a minute, like I was really disappointed. “Anyway, I just got called into work. My work hours are the worst!” I fake pouted and stomped my foot like a little kid.

“So, I gotta go. See you around, ok?” With that, I grabbed my coffee, blew him a goodbye kiss, and left.

But the plan was already in motion.

As I stepped outside, I saw him pick up a scrap of paper on the table.

Hook. Line. And sinker.

***

Agent Lincoln

Time: 20:18

Location: The Local Loading Docks (but not the good one, the one that smells like cheese)

I unfolded the piece of paper Agent Connors accidentally left behind when she ran out for another mission. Rereading the address again, I confirmed I was in the right location. So why didn’t the anxiety go away?

The pit in my stomach was still there. My right foot still nervously tapped on the ground. Sweat still covered my palms.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm—That’s it. I’m trusting my instincts. Something’s wrong. I’m out of here.

Before I could take a single step out of here, a squealing metal crane cried out over my head. I glanced up as a huge metal cage came crashing down on top of me. Then came the laughing. “Agent Connors,” I sneered, recognizing the laugh from the last ‘prank’ she played on me.

“Right on the money,” she answered from the shadows. “Did you enjoy that fake address I purposefully left you? From the looks of it, you did.”

Slowly, she stalked out and into the moonlight. “Thought you could make a fool of me, did you?”

“You willingly drew on your face. You made a fool of yourself.”

With a smirk, she ran her fingers over the bars. “At least I’m not the one behind bars.”

“Why don’t you just put an end to me now?”

“Well, then I run the risk of them sending someone who’s actually competent in your place. Can’t have that, now can I?”

Waving as she walked away, she said, “See you around, Agent Lincoln. For me at least. And again, ha.”

***

Agent Connors

Time: 20:47

Location: Agent Connors’ House

Damn, this smile just won’t go away. Oh well, it is well earned. I cackled to myself in my driveway. Swinging my keys around my fingers, I gleefully waltzed up to my front door.

I stopped.

Is that barking?

Holding my ear up to my door, I gasped. “It is!”

I peeked through the window and the dog's jaw snapped at me. But from the sound of the paws clicking on my hardwood floors, there was more than one. Far more than one.

This is totally the work of Agent Lincoln. He used my dog fear against me. Dammit.

But how did he know where I—

I snapped my fingers. “My coffee. I left it alone with him and took it with me. He must have slapped a tracker on it. Well played, Agent Lincoln. Well played.”

I picked up a plastic flamingo as my weapon of choice from my lawn and gripped the door handle. Taking a deep breath, I leaped inside. “Bring it on, pooches. Bring it on!” I screamed.

And bring it on, Agent Lincoln. Bring. It. On.