The Cursed Year

The Cursed Year

Finally! 2020 in its final phase! The wicked year is finally at its end. I was laughing hysterically when the final minute approached. I was on my building’s terrace sitting on my bean bag as I wiped off my uncontrollable tears. I was pumped up that this shitty year is finally over. I looked over to both my sides. On one side, I stacked up a couple of beer bottles, vodka and an imported cigar which I was saving for this fine moment.  On the other side, scrumptious home-cooked food lined up, little more than I would eat because why not? I survived the pandemic. I had a firecracker ready in one of my hands and at the edge of the terrace was a firecracker-rocket ready to be launched at the stroke of midnight.  I started to count down the seconds loudly as I  stared right into my mobile screen which already had a new year wallpaper.

Date: Tuesday, 31st December 2020

Time: 23:59:51

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I screamed, “Happy new year!” at the top of my voice and lit my firecrackers and rockets. I laid down on the terrace waiting for the beautiful display of fireworks in the night sky. I waited for a few minutes before I realised the street was rather quiet and almost empty. The sky is clear and not even one firework in my entire neighbourhood. I climbed up even further on top of the water tank and searched for a firework to light up the sky. I saw till my eyes could fathom but no fireworks from anyone. I looked at the time and It was already a couple of minutes past midnight yet no one is celebrating the new year. My patience ran out after ten minutes past midnight. I took out my phone and wished my dad a text ‘Happy new year!’. Immediately a notification popped up on my screen which read

THIS MESSAGE CANNOT BE DELIVERED

It took a second for me to realise that he is no more with me. Losing dad hit me too hard than I thought. A Dad is a son’s walking Wikipedia. Any questions about the world you have? Ask dad and he will have the answer. It does not matter if he knows about the topic or not. He will always have a sensible answer for you. Now that he is gone, who am I supposed to ask all of these questions and have a chat on the world and it’s philosophy? I would usually call my fiance during my bad times but that story is long gone. I would text my friends but I got disconnected from them after college. The bond which I had with them somehow did not feel the same to me. I sat there on my bean bag as I closed my eyes to prevent tears from pouring down my cheeks. Thinking about all of these relationship failures made the food I cooked un-appealing to me. I took out my phone to order comfort food while I finished my third bottle of beer. I ordered a cheese melt pizza, garlic sticks and a choco-blast muffin.  As I typed in my pin code to pay for the food an error popped up  

INSUFFICIENT BALANCE

Do you know what is more painful than a relationship breakup?  The emotional let down of your bank balance when you desire something to eat. I swiped down by phone to check the calendar while I wondered why my salary was not credited. I was taken aback by what I saw on my phone. 

The date read

Wednesday, December 32, 2020. 

I stared at the screen for a full five minutes in confusion. 

“How? Why? How? Why?” These were the questions played in a loop. This year 2021, was supposed to be a better year for me. I felt so, even my astrologer tells the same. “Why is it still 2020 and what is this 32nd date?”  I thought to myself as I began to google. To my disbelief, every search result of ‘how many days in December month’ resulted In 365. I checked the other days of the month every month was either 28 or 30 or 31 days except December which had 365 days. This means that by the time I finish a year it will be two years. I could not deal with this nonsense and felt like I was in a dream. How do I wake up from this dream? How accurate am I that this is a dream? I started to pinch myself to check if there was pain and not only I felt pain; it seemed real. Of course! The brain can play even the pain trick on you. But, how do I know for sure? Is this not a dream perhaps? How do I find out? 

This year, 2020 was the worst for me. Even though I would agree the way people got sick and died due to the pandemic was more gruesome, I had my shares of heartbreak and total decimation of my hopes and dreams. This year my younger sister died of an unfortunate road accident, I lost my dad, not because he died but due to my parent’s divorce, which happened long back, he recently decided to marry another woman and did not want to have any connections with me. Soon after my dad’s marriage my poor mom suffered from the virus and passed away, my fiance left me for a trivial cause and last week my dog was subjected to mercy killing due to chronic disease. How much can a man take? Is there no end to pain?  Is there anything to gain in life for me other than pain? What is with humans and their unlimited potential and capability to tolerate such pain? Who wants to continue their life tolerating such pain? Humans are delicate creatures. They should have a choice to end their life in an instant if the pain is unbearable. 

My pillow got wet soon and I even had tears which even ran down my ears and that’s how bad the downpour was.  I realised I should pace myself and try not to hit my breaking point and fall low again. I have been through this before and every time I start to hit my breaking point I just self destruct. When I say self destruct it does not mean suicidal thoughts. I am a coward for such daring things. My self destruct process is slow and even worse than suicide. To give you an overview the first time I went into this self-destruct path I was 60 kilograms and. I am now 110! Yes, I self-destruct using the thing I love; food. You might think that overeating during stress time is normal but have you seen me eat?

My typical destructive days include having Junk foods, Carbonated drinks, homemade junk food. I cook well and I only cook food that makes my heart explode. I eat at ungodly hours, sitting in one place the whole day while I binge-watch an entire series, grind the gaming leader board for months straight. I would only get up from my bed if I had to use the washroom. I was in so much pain for so long that sometimes I miss being in misery if I am happy for a week straight. Ha! Good times. 

I slowly encouraged my pity self and got up with a smile on my face ready to face the remaining year. I badly wanted to investigate more on the bizarre events but chose not to as it would only drive me crazier. I was too much in pain to concentrate on anything. I wanted to divert myself, something which will keep me occupied, like a hobby. I remember reading an article about a writing competition. I used to write well until this cursed year came along which took away my will to write. I searched for the contest and investigated the competition. It was a big competition which lasted a year! One story every week, 52 weeks, 52 stories. I felt this was a good way to pass my time and avoid myself visiting the devil’s workshop. 

I started on the quest and drove myself to see the beginning of a new year. At first, I was slow and rusty because of inconsistent writing. Getting out a new story, a new concept was tiring and some weeks I was a sitting duck. Self-demotivation, procrastination, and a painful past were the hurdles I had on my way. I knew that I needed to face my pain and embrace it to change it to strength. Whenever I felt the world was falling upon me I would let my pain guide me. If a simple emotion called pain has the power to crumble a complex human being then the same pain has the power to restore a crumbled human being. Let your painful past be your mentor. As the pain would overflow my mind, it would take me back to the painful past of my loved ones and allow me to also see the good times I had with them.

 I would see my sister’s dead body on the road but I would also see the precious smile she makes whenever I buy her clothes. 

I would see my parents' crumbled marriage but I would also see my dad holding my mom’s hand on our family’s weekend movie night. 

I would see my mum in the hospital bed but I would also see my mum cooking me my favourite food with a smile on her face. 

I would see my fiance’s breakup text message but I would also see the great memories we had together. 

I would see my dog's cute face as I buried him in the ground but I would also see how he used to fall asleep near my feet exhausted after a playful evening.

Have you heard the phrase ‘You are your own enemy’?  I realised that life is not full of painful memories, we chose to highlight it amongst all other memories. It was time to throw my enemy into the wind and embrace what is left to enjoy rather than drowning in sorrow thinking what is left to enjoy. I knew giving up is not an option and gradually I learnt to tackle my hurdles. One by one I began to fight my hurdles and one by one I began to overcome them. The hurdles which seemed elephantine at that time now is just a piece of cake. 

364 days and 23 hours and 59 minutes passed on with my robust will and iron resolve. I was staring at the time on my phone. 

Date: Wednesday, December 365, 2020.

Time: 23:59:54

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Date: Wednesday, January 1st. 

My eyes shut after seeing the month of January and tears started to gush out of my closed eyes. I was about to laugh when I saw something.

Date: Wednesday, January 1st 2020. 

The year had reset to day one instead of going to 2021. Any other time I would have lost control but I am ready for anything now. I lied down calmly with my eyes closed and a broad smile on my face as I gradually fell asleep. 

On top of the terrace was a person in a black gown. He stood near to the water tank with a scythe in his hand and a grin on his face. He snapped his fingers and gradually disappeared into thin air as he eventually gave up on me. Little did I know that I was going to wake up on the morning of Wednesday, January 1st 2021.

Life is full of mixed emotions.  Joy and Sorrow make up a huge percentage amongst other emotions. Which emotion you want to highlight is up to you. However, remember the other part always. This cuts down the expectation while keeping you sane.  You can either highlight the sorrow part while remembering you also have a joy part or you can highlight the joy part while remembering you also have a sorrow part. This thought process will help you balance your emotions.

When life gives you problems, you accept them,  learn from them, move on and embrace the second phase of life known as Joy.