Dear Tobias,

 CONTENT WARNING: VIOLENCE

It wasn't the bullets that hurt me, Tobias.

It wasn't the violent words you spewed at me or even your blows that battered me, you've always had a flair for dramatics.

No, what caused me to ache was the expression on your face after you pulled the trigger. Bloody remorse. I’ve never seen this look on you so pronounced before, you never did fancy hesitation. Even then you never ceased to surprise me, remorse was my thing! Besides, it looked quite ridiculous on you, if I wasn't so attune to your mannerisms I'd have thought you caught wind of a foul stench, or was curbing the release of something vicious. Like that summer day all those years ago when we ate those berries you were convinced were safe, although you had not the inkling of what they were. We were so naive, weren't we? untouched by the sin of this world and free from the truth. You never questioned where I came from or why the berries didn't make me ill. What a kind heart your mother must have given to you, to befriend a stray like me. Do you remember that time Tobias? Those days weren't all bad, were they? We used to swim and race and wrestle until your limbs gave out, gleeful in our ignorance.

Yet there we were after the cruel passage of what seemed to be so little time, the warmth of my bleeding wounds a dull reminder of our summers, easing the bitter winter cold that bit my skin. That silly constipated look of regret on your face. What did you regret? Was it the pain you caused me? Was it meeting me in the first place?

You almost seemed familiar to me when your expression returned to anger, but I couldn't help the irking in my soul when you rested your foot on my neck. You got my blood all over your snow boots, the boots that I had given you for Christmas three years ago. What a slob you've become. The Tobias I knew would never let a gift I gave him stay in such foul condition, but you didn't seem to care. This disregard crushed my soul more than you crushing my esophagus. That was an interesting Christmas wasn't it Tobias? The brisk cold was very much like our day in that forest. You got me that dog collar as a joke, remember? By then we both knew of my fatal condition, we never did lie to each other did we? I suppose my transparency is why we’re here.

Was I not down already Tobias? Did you not snuff out my breath with your filthy boot? Why did you continue to smite me? I was numbed to your blows, but not to the memories. You always favored your left hand. The same hand that struck me I remember watching paint elaborate portraits, it’s strokes steady and even,  a nearly meditative focus on your face.  I could never emulate the position you held your brush with the finesse and deliberacy of each and every movement. The same finesse that was used to strike me with such power, but instead of your brush in your hand there was only that hideous wedding ring.

I remember when you told me about her. I was happy for you, but her religious beliefs gave me concern. What would she think of me? Of all the demonic afflictions in her book, where would I fit? I would lie if I said I was not fearful of our meeting. You called me delusional, but I noticed your heightening uneasiness around me, shiftiness, lack of eye contact, canceling plans. Then sooner than later you simply vanished from me altogether. Was I delusional then Tobias? Am I delusional to think how rude it is of you to strike me with the same hand you wear that ring on? The symbol of your love, a symbol of our broken bond?

When did you change Tobias? Was it after your marriage? Your kid? When did you accept Christ? Did you already outgrow me in a matter of three years? Suddenly you were back. I remember you said I just needed prayer, that would put an end to the turmoil inside me. When you and that wife of yours brought me to the church, all I could think of was how long it's been since I last saw you, how the light inside you seemed to have dimmed. Even your scent had changed. It was that damn family, they took you from me and replaced you with a faulty lookalike. My Tobias would never try to repair me. The audacity of this copy had to feign good intentions.  I should've done it there, I should’ve done it right bloody there so I wouldn't have to see this wannabe wearing your face ever again. But no, I took the holy water your wife doused me with, I said the prayers, and nothing changed. Nothing but a growing tension between us that grew heavier than the boot suffocating me, revealing itself slowly, just like the moon that began to peer from the clouds.

The moon, sweet ambient light. Dammit, the real Tobias would never be so careless. I tried to warn you, but your boot obstructed my pleas and the blood filling my mouth stifled my attempts to save you. What use was it anyway, you weren't Tobias, why should I have cared for your wellbeing, but for whatever reason I still wanted you safe. Perhaps because I thought there still was a chance I could bring you back, that you’d realize what I did was for our friendship. That you’d snap out of your lunacy and thank me for freeing you from that desolate life. Why hadn’t it worked like I envisioned? Instead of gratitude all you showed me was unfiltered abhorrence and senseless mourning. That woman and child were no good for you anyway Tobias, if only you had realized that before I had to realize it for you. 

If only you had realized before the moonlight kissed my broken body. 

The bullets didn’t hurt me, but killing you did.