The City lights

The stars in the sky remind me of city lights, I wonder if I will see my city again. For a second, I can escape and wonder what is out there, hiding behind those city lights. For a second, I forget that I have not eaten in more than ten days. People can survive more than a month without food, I do not know if that brings me comfort or grief. I crawl back into my makeshift shelter and I go to sleep.

I wake up feeling well. I remember that I will die soon and my perpetual headache returns. I guess I’ll look for food. I begin to write my story. I am writing a story to leave something behind. So all of this is not for nothing. Obviously, I cannot write so I say it out loud instead. Maybe the trees will remember me, I wonder if they will feel bad. I doubt it, the animal kingdom is cruel. They have seen worse.

“My name is Elliott. I was 22 years old. I am 22 years old. I am dying”. I begin to laugh so hysterically that my sides hurt. I am scared so I stop my story for a bit.

I lied when I said that I have not eaten. I have, but probably not enough to keep me alive. Just enough food to keep my head on straight. Sometimes my head goes in circles and I just do not know what to do so I start laughing which scares me because my situation is no laughing matter. The worms crunch in my mouth. You are supposed to keep them in a cup for a day or two before you eat them so that they can shit out any toxins that they have in their intestines. I used to do that out of fear of shitting myself to death but now that sounds like the best way out. I haven’t taken a good shit in days. It is weird the things we miss.

I think of the last few days and how bored I have been. They don’t show you that in survival shows. Most of the time you are bored. If you aren’t you are probably in danger. I wish they said that. I am thirsty. As I walk to the river I start again, feeling the crisp air piercing my lungs.

“My name is Tom and I have lost all hope”. I do not laugh this time. I’m scared. Sometimes I need to scare myself to take things seriously. I’ve been trying to cuss less. I cuss when I am scared.

 “I am 22 years old and I am dying. This is what I leave in this world. These words will outlive me, or they will in my head at least.” I feel good. I hop and smile.

“10 days ago…” I can’t say things like that, it’s not book-like enough. Sometimes I forget that I am trying to write a book.

“It was March and I was going on a hike I think...” Shit. You can’t say “you think” you dud. Try harder.

“It all started when I tried to hike a small portion of the Appalachian Trail. I didn’t tell anyone before I went. Mistake number one. My second mistake was that…”

A fish. Not just any fish. A big fish. I forgot that fish could be that big. I feel like a bear. I grab my stick. He is deep in the river but he is distracted so I know that I can get him. For a second, I feel like I am in a survival show. I am excited. I sneak into the river. The fish is trying to swim upstream so I sneak up on him by walking downstream from him. I don’t know if fish can smell but if he could, he wouldn’t be able to smell me because I am downstream from him. I smile thinking about the shows. I am surviving. I can't help but think about how loud the river is. I am waist-deep and I am almost by the fish. Gallons of numbingly cold water push against my legs making it hard to stand. I realize now that I don’t know how to catch him with a stick. I begin to walk back to shore.

My foot slips. Fuck, is this really happening? Adrenaline takes over until I cannot feel anything. I grasp at nothing trying not to drown but I don’t even know which way is up. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I want to scream but I hold my breath. As I tumble around I curl up and cover my head with my arms. Nice and easy. My legs hit something hard. Really hard... but I am able to grab on. It is a fallen tree. I manage to find air and eventually pull myself onto the shore. I notice that I can’t move my legs. I can feel them though, so maybe I will be able to move them eventually. I crawl away from the shore and try to breathe. As soon as the adrenaline wears off, the pain is unbearable. I see a man fishing downstream. I do not know if he can see me. I want to throw up. I try to scream. I pass out.

I wake up and it feels like I am moving. I must be going home. The night sky is like a city way up there. It's so easy to feel alone when you look at the stars. All the buildings seem so impersonal. But when you listen to the city noises you will begin to feel at home. I close my eyes and listen. I hear leaves rustling and insects chirping. A natural orchestra. I worry because I can’t hear an engine or anything but the worry does not last a long time. I smile again because I know I am going home. What must the trees think of me now? I open my eyes and the stars are all there. I know this is not true but it feels like the harder you look at them the brighter they shine. Maybe they run on our cumulative attention. As I look out into the universe, I feel small. These last few days have made me realize that you do not have to look that far to feel so small. But the stars make me feel small and important. I wonder who inhabits those little building lights? I wonder how bright I shine in the night sky? None of that matters. I look at the night sky and I smile… I am going home.