Always summer

I was in love with him that summer.

Cerulean waters threatened to swallow me, waves crashed noisily onto the silvery beach. I stood under a coconut palm tree, heavy vegetation behind me and the vast ocean in front of me. I had forgotten how this island can captivate you and beguile you. You would experience a certain euphoria that washed you over like a wave whenever you’re under the summer sun. Its heat scorched you but I felt comfort, like an embrace long forgotten.

He was there that summer, long hands cut the water like glass. He swam effortlessly and gracefully in the water but in the land, his long limbs and torso stood out like a sore thumb. He was a troublemaker and a heartbreaker. We were not sure what drew people towards him but he had friends and admirers. I wouldn’t admit back then but I was one of them.

That summer, he was friends with a girl named Raahil, she was there with us. A rather meek looking girl with bronze skin. She was short but puffed up her chest in false confidence every time he threw a glance at her. Jay was like that. He made people want to be things they were not. He made me feel things I never wanted to.

Jumping over the volleyball net, he winked at me and I waved casually, dismissing his gesture but my heart nearly jumped out of my throat. I ran over to participate but there were only four of us and he was winning despite Raahil never touching the ball.

I remembered the scene vividly when we ran to the ocean, its waves kissing the sand with a hiss. In an array of limbs and colorful swimsuits, I spotted Jay winking at me again. He was pointing at Raahil, she was dangerously close to me now. Her hands wheedled into my own with a coy look. I had the sudden urge to smack her head first into the open water. But where we were from, girls were jewels to be handled with care and cherished. I grimaced but I returned the wink to him and he responded with a thumbs up. He sweetly ran his hands through Sheena’s hair, his new interest of the week. She kissed his lips and he never returned it. Jay never returned any girl’s kiss. At least never in public. He never opened his mouth, never brushed his lips against them. Petty as it might be, it gave me a perverse satisfaction.

The water was calm today, but we were close to where the deep blue sea met the reef. The reef with its glass water and colorful clown fishes. I wanted to go diving but Raahil and Sheena would have refused. I felt grumpy and angry, I remembered the sudden urge to float away. Endlessly, listlessly, with no care in the world.

I thought about the last fight Jay was in, his eye shut and lip bruised. I knew he was victorious but the welts on his skin the other day proved his Dad was at it again. Jarim, an influential politician stuck with an undesirable child. An unwanted memory of his first marriage.

“Mother-eater!”

The nick name that stuck with Jay since kindergarten. He would beat them up and get suspended many times but no teacher reprimanded him. And he would scoff and look at them, a disappointed glean in his eyes. As if he dared anyone to stand up to his father’s influence.

When that someone came along, it was very like him to become his best friend. I was ten when I first met him, he was beating up a boy. I never knew the reason why he was hitting him until recently. The boy had slapped a girl and made her cry.

Before I could stop myself, my hands flew to his jaw and Jay tumbled over, surprise slapped on his face. I wiggled my finger in front of him, it was supposed to be like a scene I saw from a movie. But now that I thought about it, it must have been a sight. A chubby kid wiggling his stubby fingers at a boy twice his height and strength. I laughed at how daring I was, if I was half as brave as I used to be, things would be different.

 That day Sheena and Raahil were in a daring mood. I never knew what were in their minds, but they giggled and swam like a bunch of flirty mermaids. They were fairly good swimmers and Sheena was built like an athlete. There was something suspicious going on and I asked Jay. Jay gave the strangest answer it stuck to my memory even after 23 years.

“It’s a mating swim, we watch and then mate afterwards.”

He said it with such a convincing straight face that I almost believed him. I shivered despite the heat and looked at Raahil with a profound disgust. Raahil was looking at me now, her mascara laden eyelashes leaking from her side burns. Perhaps she never knew but her makeup was horrible. The girl was oblivious to her short comings and it only added to how plain and unattractive she was.

“How about we swim laps?”

I was in the swim team but despite Jay’s obvious talent, the school had suspended him from any extracurricular activities. Something to do with upholding moral standards. Load of bullshit it was but nobody was rebellious where I came from. Standing up for someone else and disagreeing with elders were the number one taboos you could commit in our society. But Jay was never governed by any rules. He was universal in his beliefs and stood up to any injustice. Like he was sent to earth as some wayward hero.

Now I wished I insisted he join the swim team.

We swam swiftly, I was shorter than Jay but years of practice gave me speed and stamina. I had an edge to our friendly competition and he loved it. He was competitive and cared more than he wanted to admit, but when I swam I saw him in a different light. I stopped swimming abruptly, an urge washing over me along with an unescapable dread.

I remembered Jay asking me what I was doing. And today I knew what I was doing. I kissed him. I let out all the confusion and frustration onto that kiss, the years of emptiness and strange longing. He was a forbidden fruit, far out of my reach and yet he was all I longed for. Years of lying to myself and years of beating myself into the shape society wanted me to be.

But as I was about to let go of his smooth skin, as if the summer sun was blessing me, he pulled me tighter. Jay was everything I dreamed and dreaded of. I was scared he would change me or worse, make me want something I could never have. But there I was, wrapping my hands around his wide torso. Our feet barely touching the sand as waves rocked us closer into each other’s arms.

“Help!”

Her anguished cried wrenched Jay away from my arms. Raahil and Sheena, bare specks in the wide horizon now, were swimming desperately going nowhere. At that very moment I knew they were caught in a strong current, one that pulls you deep into the obsidian sea. The girls wouldn’t last long and I swam, barely a few meters behind Jay.

Jay got there first and held onto Raahil, she was barely conscious now. Exhausted and heaving for breath, she jumped on Jay the minute he got close. Sheena had more sense and pushed Raahil away from the currant but she got nearly swept away by a sudden wave that sucked us further into the sea. I heard gulls crying and the heat was intrusive now. At the nick of time, I held onto Sheena’s arm. Swimming with a forced strength against the strong currant. My eyes were barely open as I escorted her onto safety. The waves were stronger now, splashing onto my eyes and blocking my sight. But years of leisure swimming gave me the direction I needed. Finally after what seemed like half an hour, Sheena was safe. I glanced behind me, hoping to see Jay and Raahil safe and sound. But I only spotted Raahil, wading through the water with tears in her eyes.

“Where’s Jay?!!”

I scanned the reef and the ocean with my eyes while Raahil just sat there and cried. Sheena comforted her but I cut her through- “Where is he??! What happened?!”

Raahil only managed to sputter a few phrases but my heart dropped to my stomach, a heavy feeling settled in my chest.

“He went under…wave. Pushed me…behind me…I couldn’t see him!”

I swam to the very spot we nearly drowned in, the currant was still strong but I had a new found strength in me. I swam deeper, the pressure almost crushing my lungs and yet there was nothing but the dark inky water surrounding me. I couldn’t find him.

At the shore, Sheena had already called rescue services and I was still searching. My fingers had dried, ridges raised itself along my hands and face. Sheena called to me, her eyes swimming in tears.

“That’s enough, Dan!”

But was it? It was never enough and even now standing under the palm tree, I wanted to wade deeper into the water and find him. His green eyes twinkling with mischief and arms surrounding me in a watery embrace.

But I knew it was a fool’s dream. The dead never came back.

Rescue services found his body floating in the ocean, he had a deep gash across his forehead. The theory was that he went under, hit his head on a rock and drowned into an unconscious death. It was ironic, someone who always fought with the system, with himself and everyone that stood between him, his death came to him in such a pitiful way.

“Unconscious when he died.”

Never had the chance to fight for his life. It was not fair.

At the funeral I witnessed nobody crying. Sure, a 17 year old boy losing his life while trying to save others. It was sure to be heroic, the media was in a frenzy. But nobody cried except me. Tears cascaded down my face and I couldn’t tore my eyes from him. His face was bright except for the ugly dash on his forehead and I had the urge to rip it from his face like a sticker. I wanted to hurt everyone so much that they all cried and mourned in unison. I wanted the world to stop and time itself to freeze.

The heart is mysterious. It broke to tiny pieces but it would mend. In my case, it was never the same again.

After the funeral, Raahil was there, bug eyed and shivering inside her black dress.

“I saw you...”

She muttered, her voice like the wind. Despite my grief, I was a coward. I knew what Raahil saw and come tomorrow morning, I imagined the newspaper headlines.

“Dan Hareeck mourns dead gay lover.”

I spat at her feet as I walked by and Raahil broke into quiet sobs.

Next morning, I was on my way to the city then life went by like a blur. I was married to a woman, had kids, got divorced and lost custody of the kids. I came back to the island. Back to the wretched sea that took everything with its waves. The cruel waves reminded me of the only time I was brave.

I couldn’t face myself, my feelings and Raahil never busted out my secret. Perhaps she felt she owed it to her savior. At least the woman knew what her life had cost. What it had cost to me and to Jay. I tried to be brave over the years, my interests turned to a few men. But I saw Jay. Maybe he could have moved on if I died, a thought that festered within me. Maybe he would have found happiness. But I was petty, stubborn and a coward.

For me it was just Jay. 42 years old and still I saw Jay, cutting the water with ease.

I stood under the palm tree, a cigarette in my hand. The sea rumbled angrily and clouds crashed into each other.

The world had four seasons and they went by me in a haze and a blur. Right now it was near winter but in my heart it was always summer. Because Jay was always summer and he would remain to be for an eternity.