Dear, Julie

Dear, Julie

I’m addressing this letter to you in the hopes that when you read it, you’ll better understand why I did what I did to you and hopefully forgive me. Do you remember that one dream I told you about? The one set in the antique shop? Well, if you don’t, it’s the one where I met that older man. I remember strolling into his shop, the wooden planks creaking under my feet. A few rays of sun casted onto the floor, illuminating the layers of dust collecting onto the shelves. The oddest little trinkets… things I could never explain lined these shelves. I picked up a glinting golden hourglass, one of the only objects I could identify. It had some weight to it. I knew it was made out of real gold. The details on that thing were amazing! It had the most intricate carvings… I could see some signs of aging on the corners where the detailing started to fade. 

I slightly tilted it in my hand, interested to see how the little sand particles would move. You wouldn’t believe it, but the room itself turned sideways! I panicked. My hands began to shake, which made the room shake, too. Even though the room wasn’t upright, all the trinkets remained in place, completely defying the rules of gravity. An older man appeared out of a heavy wooden door behind the checkout counter. The sound of his footsteps along with the rhythmic thumping of his cane completely overwhelmed my senses.

I remembered the hourglass in my hand and quickly turned it back upright. Everything went back to normal and the man approached me, asking what brought me to his shop. I told him I didn’t know… that I just ended up there somehow, someway. I became distracted by his hat. He wore one of those newsboy caps… the one’s your dad used to wear. Anyways, he told me that people didn’t just randomly come to his shop. There was always a reason. I asked him what kind of reasons there might be. And you know what he said? Well, he said people… people who’ve sinned are sent to his shop to relinquish their wrongdoings. I’ve never thought of myself as a sinner. I mean, I know I have my faults, but don’t we all? Sometimes I get angry… even at you, but I always apologize. All the harm I’ve caused to you… I didn’t mean it because I love you and love is stronger than hate. I explained this to the man. He nodded his head, going along with what I said, but he had this look in his eye… a look that told me he already knew what I was about to say. It’s like a kid admitting to his mom that he broke one of her plates. She’ll stand there and listen, maybe ask a question or two, but she already knows that you broke it and how it happened because well—moms always know. 

He instructed me to turn the hourglass once more. I did. Although this time, instead of the room turning sideways, I was inside our bed, laying next to you, Julie. I’ll never forget the look on your face. Those beautiful eyes of yours were wide and full of concern. Your auburn hair was still matted from sleep. You were wearing your pink pajamas I bought for your 23rd birthday (or was it your 24th?) You asked me what was wrong. I probably moved a lot during that dream or did something else that startled you. I told you it was just a dream about a man and a shop and there was no need to worry. You stroked your hand through my hair and told me I needed to stop staying up so late. Looking back, I don’t blame you if you don’t remember me telling you about this dream because I didn’t go into much detail.

Later on that same day, I walked to work like I always do. It was raining on my walk there and they stuck me outside rounding up shopping carts in the parking lot. You know how miserable that job makes me. Some days are more miserable than others, but that day was pretty bad. I couldn’t help but think about my dream. I don’t necessarily blame you for this Julie, but if you hadn’t woke me up (as I’m sure you did) I probably would’ve discovered my sin that night. It’s okay though because luckily when I took my lunch break, the old man was waiting for me in the break room. Now, I know this sounds crazy. How can a fictitious man I created in my mind appear in the break room at my job? It weirded me out too, but the man explained to me that he’s less of a man and more of a ‘being.’ I wouldn’t describe it as a paranormal thing or an alien, but more of like a time traveler maybe… someone who has access to the future… and other versions of reality. 

He instructed me to reach into my left jean pocket and wouldn’t you know!? The hourglass was inside. I was kind of mad at myself. I should have thought about checking there earlier, but nonetheless, I was glad the man helped me find it. I turned it upside down. The room started swirling like water circling around a drain. The spiral sucked me in. My body collapsed and folded. This feeling reminded me of those origami birds you like to make. Colors of all different shades and vibrancies surrounded me. You probably wouldn’t have liked anything else about this little adventure, but I wish you were there to see the colors. I can’t describe it to you. I have no words for it, but I saw new colors that don’t exist in our reality. I had to close my eyes because the origami feeling combined with the nauseating brightness of all those new colors made me sick.

 I started to feel my body reform. It kind of felt like when you straighten out an origami bird. There are still creases. The paper is not perfect, but it goes back to being a square and not a bird. I felt like I was inside my body again, but I could still feel the creases. I opened my eyes, expecting to be greeted by some outlandish world with upside down trees and blue grass and green sky, but instead I was standing next to you. Of course, I believe you are beautiful as you are now, but I knew that this Julie I was standing next to wasn’t the version of you I know. You looked so lively. You had the same youthful energy I fell in love with when I met you, but I knew you weren’t any younger than you are now. There were no circles under your eyes. Your hair was done nice, flowing beautifully onto your shoulders. I reached out to grab your hand. It felt so soft— uncalloused. You had a french manicure… Something you haven’t had since high school. You gave me a big, warm smile and told me that we did it. I could feel my heart flutter because I knew what “it” was. You and I were living out our dream. In this reality, all those nights we spent in college, staying up late and skipping class, dreaming up our future, didn’t go to waste. 

We were artists. You had your own shop. Your paintings were in famous museums like that one in France. I was a lead guitarist in my brother’s band; although in this reality, instead of my brother driving off that cliff he stayed alive and we made it big. 

Of course there’s a bitter side to all good things. Everything is too good to be true. That old man came back which annoyed me because I was trying to catch up with this version of you. This is when I found out my sin. You see, originally, I thought my sin was something I already did in the past… something I might have done to you or someone else, but he explained to me that my sin hadn’t even happened yet. I told him I never wanted to leave this reality. Of course he already knew this. That's why he brought me here. He told me that there was an option for me to stay. But the catch was that in order for me to stay in this reality and go on living out my dream life with you there, unbeknownst of my current world, I’d have to kill you. 

I really thought this through. Of course, I’d never want to do that to you Julie, no matter what reality we’re in, but the man said that you weren’t actually going to die because instead you’d just go on living with me in this new world, and we’d finally experience our dreams together. I wanted to take some time… think of a plan to make it as painless as possible, but the man ripped the hourglass from my hand, turned it upright and told me that if you weren’t dead by the time the sand ran out, all versions of us would cease to exist.

I won’t go into much detail about this part because you pretty much already know what happens next, but after this conversation with the man, I was sucked into the swirling drain of origami birds and colors, back into the break room at work. I didn’t feel like I was gone long, but I guess I was because it was 9:59 pm, one minute away from closing, and Mark was kicking me out of the store. 

Thankfully, it wasn’t raining on my walk back home. The air felt crisp and cool which was exactly what I needed to clear my mind before I had to do my sin. I reached into my left jean pocket to retrieve the golden hourglass. Back in that dream land, the top of the hourglass was still filled with sand, but now it trickled down to the bottom, leaving me with only a few sand particles left. I broke into a sprint, dodging passersby as I went. I accidentally bumped into our little old lady neighbor… Grace I think her name is? She laughed it off, asking me what the big rush was. I felt guilty lying to her… I told her I had a cake in the oven.

I fumbled with the keys, trying to get into our apartment as quickly as possible. I almost hit you with the door. Maybe if I knew you were standing there, I would have swung it a little harder. You looked worried. I don’t blame you. I was out late, but now at least when you read this, you’ll know why. You’ll also know why I didn’t greet you… why instead I grabbed one of those kitchen knives your mom bought us as a housewarming gift and held it against your neck. 

I just want to take this time to sincerely apologize to you. It really wasn’t my fault. I wish I had more time to explain because maybe if the sand wasn’t running so low, I would have been able to explain that I wasn’t actually trying to harm you. Then maybe you wouldn’t have run away from me and put me in this living hell called prison. 

I know what I saw in that reality, and it was exactly the life we wanted for each other. We didn’t have to worry about car payments or rent. I didn’t have to work at that miserable grocery store, and you weren’t stuck teaching those low paying art classes. Instead, we were living big, making a healthy living from our passions… never having to worry about money. The hourglass broke. You took it from me, and you never died, so that’s probably why we still exist. Hopefully one day that man will visit me again, I’ll get a new hourglass, and you and I will be able to live out our dreams once and for all. 

Love, Joseph