29 comments

Fiction

“Holy shit!”

That’s what you say right before the big black out, not something prophetic or memorable, but a base utterance steeped in a casual strain of blasphemy. In the fleeting seconds that the words take form and flight, your brain cycles through a million images, memories plastered on a spinning reel. You brace for the impact of all the accumulated choices, stunned by the inevitability. The blur of your life becomes a recognizable whole.

you shouldn’t have read that extra chapter last night of Trudy Jas' latest novel / if only you hadn't hit the snooze button this morning (the result of reading too late) / why did you take that call from Aunt Evelyn? / should have picked up those prescriptions before stopping at the liquor store / come on, necessity before desire, but that's always been a lax concept for you / or my favorite, when you beat yourself up over lingering in the shower with thoughts of him / clean and go / no lingering

You could have gotten ahead of this catastrophe if you could get out of your own head, escape the vacuousness of your self-doubt. Propelled, prodded and disowned. You have always been your worst enemy and savior. 

You ruminate over the idea that if just one of the many incidents were changed, altered, or edited, you wouldn't be right here, right now, watching it all digress into the ultimate nothingness. Your measly existence hinged on picking up that call from Auntie, and it's a solid punch in the gut. Breathtaking in how it leaves you gasping for air.

No one wants to say it outright. You are either tethered to an indiscriminate randomness or careening headfirst to a destiny for which you have no control. In either case, the reality will have you up all night, staring at the ceiling fan in its endless revolution. You could have sworn it reversed course, a sudden stopping of the fan blades, a concentric circle backwards to a place of serenity and longing. There was a place of intermittent sprigs of happiness, the flowers lost in the fog.

With little else to distract you, the ranking of regrets begins, an order that is shifting and all-consuming:

not moving to NYC with Frank / stealing that piece of Brach’s candy and hiding behind the sofa at age five / that curt, unnecessary comment to the fast food cashier / hurting Dave with your penchant to flee safe relationships / inadvertently hitting that airborne owl with your car / lying to your niece about being busy during the dance recital / letting the daisies die because you couldn’t muster the energy to water them / cheating on that algebra exam / co-opting, no stealing, that black shirt from your roommate… being untrue to the core.

Isn’t that the biggest elephant in the room? 

You worried and hustled your life away, saved for material things that will end up in an estate sale, a heap of trinkets, a valueless menagerie headed to the landfill.

a smell of waste / a bitterness that you swallow / an angst that bleeds into an understanding, an ephemeral, hurtful needing / wretched, watchful loneliness when you realize the physical things perish

The cacophony of voices ring in your head, singling out the unheeded truths. SLAM it down and walk away, but you know this time there is nowhere to run. You have to face the unsettled uneasiness. Admitting you were wrong is the first step, and you think of him, that lovely voice.

“People fail to live in the moment,” he says the words with a nonchalance, turning back to face your tired exterior.

Concentrating on his high hair line, the dark curls on top of his head a needed distraction, you take a swig of the hard alcohol, the ice cubes rattling.

Leaning downward, he rests his elbows on the bar counter, the palms of his dry hands holding his face. You never noticed his underlying handsomeness.

He looks you squarely centered, a piercing edge to the words that follow, “You have come in here more times than I can count, sad, sometimes elated, but never focused. You’re bound up by things that don’t even know you exist. I know you exist.”

You don’t want the recognition or the kindness, because you might be propositioned for a reciprocation.  Best to shirk off emotion.

“Aren’t you being philosophical?” you offer up, twirling the ice around the emptiness in the glass.

The music in the joint is haunting and melodic. He smirks with a slight shake of his head, anticipating your coy aversion.

“You really don’t want anyone to hold your hand at the end, do you?” A question meant to be unanswered.

He continues, “That’s okay, keep pushing everyone to the edges, Samantha. I think that’s where you feel most comfortable. Alone.”

The tears hold in the corners of your eyes, gritting them back with a weighty resolve. You won’t give him the satisfaction of being right. He is limited in his analysis. How much can he really know when all he pours are drinks?  Bartenders aren’t sages.

That thought cracks against your skull with the impact of night’s ascent. You are alone. You always have been and the trajectory is wrought.

a wheezing brokenness \ a cry for help \ yes, why won’t you call now Aunt Evelyn? \ spare the heartache

When you roused in bed earlier this morning, your eyes focused on his mass of curls, tinted with a hollow grey, the stamp of time. If only you had kissed his cheek or tousled his hair, given him the reassurance that he was the one, let him know his summation was faulty. The oncoming headlights, blindly and nimbly, eclipse any further emotion, suspended between a heaven and hell of your own making.

Die \\\\

Live ////

Scream at the universe for all that it got wrong and for all that you ignored. You pull the steering wheel to the right, hoping to avoid the collision, cursing at this intrusion into your psyche and state of being. Heart palpitations bouncing out of your chest, a sucking in of all of the earth’s air, followed by the gentlest silence.

There is a fading, and a smile, and a permanent ceasing, as I take your hand.

July 19, 2024 20:53

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29 comments

Myranda Marie
21:11 Jul 20, 2024

I love it !! You have immortalized our Trudy !!!

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Christy Morgan
23:35 Jul 20, 2024

Hi Myranda! With her turn of prose, Trudy will undoubtedly immortalize herself. But I have learned a lot from her writing, and she is a giving mentor. Thank you for reading my story and commenting!

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Myranda Marie
15:45 Jul 21, 2024

I completely agree !! We are lucky to have her to learn from, and to call friend !!!

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Trudy Jas
01:23 Jul 20, 2024

Welcome back, Christy. :-) You have such a beautiful way of showing what we need to see. Life's fleeting, yet we can't run away from it \ till it's done. And then it's too late. (Thanks for imagining that I ever wrote a book. :-) and thanks for liking my stories.)

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Christy Morgan
15:45 Jul 20, 2024

Giving back some love, Trud! You are the most versatile writer on this site - your stories always have depth and soul. Thanks for your graciously kind words. It’s good being back / you make it feel like I never left 😊

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Trudy Jas
17:13 Jul 20, 2024

Thanks,Christy. Hope you're sticking around for a while.🙂

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Vid Weeks
12:47 Jul 29, 2024

Great piece of writing, thanks for sharing. Incidentally I read yesterday that there is now research that shows we do trigger multiple memories just as we are dying. Made your story all the more poignant. Vid

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Eric E
19:33 Jul 23, 2024

What a ride! Loved this. A fascinating use of perspective and stream-of-consciousness. I stopped and reread lots of it! Some fantastic phrasing and imagery. 😃

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Christy Morgan
14:05 Jul 24, 2024

Thanks for taking the ride, Eric! It was a fun one to write and glad you enjoyed it! Very appreciative of your kind comments 😊

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Martha Kowalski
22:31 Jul 21, 2024

Beyond amazing, I truly love the way this was written, from the style to the story - fantastic <3

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Christy Morgan
12:43 Jul 22, 2024

Thank you very much, Martha! It feels amazing knowing the story is well-received! Appreciate you reading! 😊

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Daryl Kulak
20:40 Jul 21, 2024

I love the story and the callout to Trudy!

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Christy Morgan
12:45 Jul 22, 2024

Thanks, Daryl! It was a fun one to write, and Trudy is well-deserving of the callout 😊 Appreciate your comments!

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Karen Hope
04:32 Jul 21, 2024

Her thoughts and regrets in this pivotal moment are so relatable. Holy shit, indeed! You captured it perfectly.

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Christy Morgan
13:57 Jul 21, 2024

Ahhh, Karen, you don’t know what it means to read your comments…makes my day!! Thank you for reading…feels good knowing that the story is relatable, that you can feel it. 😊

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08:58 Jul 20, 2024

Interesting exploration of scattered thoughts. Thoughts about and around a situation not easy to face. Thanks for reading my story.

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Christy Morgan
15:54 Jul 20, 2024

Thanks, Kaitlyn, for your thoughts! Truly appreciative of hearing your perspective. The idea just came to me, and I was hopeful it would come across as bold and blunt, yet relatable and somehow soothing in its truths. I have more of yours to read….so much to catch up on… thank you again!!

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Darvico Ulmeli
07:22 Jul 20, 2024

I love it.

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Christy Morgan
15:51 Jul 20, 2024

I love your feedback, Darvico!! You’re prolific with your stories… no one can keep up the pace! 😊 Thank you kindly for reading and messsging!

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Martin Ross
04:01 Jul 20, 2024

Very creatively told, and travels so much emotional and psychological territory. Well-done!

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Christy Morgan
15:49 Jul 20, 2024

You made my day with those words, Martin! I have several of yours to catch up on. Kind thanks for reading and commenting. Still smiling! 😊

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Martin Ross
16:12 Jul 20, 2024

😊👍

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Alexis Araneta
02:33 Jul 20, 2024

First of all, I am beyond chuffed to see you and your brilliant work back ! I've missed reading your stories here. What a way to come back too ! Stunning work ! The emotional pull was so well-executed. I felt every single thing your protagonist went through, reaching the inevitable. The descriptions were amazing too. So happy to have you back ! And yes, I am using my real name here now. Hahahaha !

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Christy Morgan
15:47 Jul 20, 2024

Alexis!!! Your feedback always moves me!! It is great to be back in the fold of so many talented writers. You’re always at the top my friend! Hope you are well, and thank you again!!

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Alexis Araneta
16:12 Jul 20, 2024

You're always so sweet, Christy! I've missed you!

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Christy Morgan
00:49 Jul 21, 2024

I’ve missed you too, Alexis! Your vibrance is contagious 😊

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Mary Bendickson
23:24 Jul 19, 2024

Glimpses of life. Very poignant. Thanks for following. Thanks for liking my last two stories.

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Christy Morgan
15:41 Jul 20, 2024

I’ve kept an eye on your works, Mary. You write from a very honest place and your stories connect…always entertaining. They refresh the spirit! Thanks for reading mine!

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Mary Bendickson
15:54 Jul 20, 2024

Thanks. Yours are always worth the time.

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